WISCONSIN~ A new chapter~

Here I am! Back in the Midwest where the dew point is hittin' 70% humidity and the air is so wet my straightened hair is immediately turned to a frizzled mess. The land is flat and glittered with the shiny domes of corn silos. Cows, bunny rabbits, chipmunks and farmers are plentiful.
The sky has been ominous the last few days, the mention of rain tricking us. My heart and emotions were swirling faster than the dark clouds as I departed Tuesday morning bright and early for Phoenix to fly out to Milwaukee. I had been in Arizona for five months fighting for my life- Fighting against this insidious and corrosive disease- anorexia. Finally, with health regained and the treatment team's approval, I was cleared to continue my journey outside of Capri. Where to go? Where to go? IOP was out of the question- insurance "conveniently" rolled over on July 1st which left me with a $3500 out of pocket deductible fee to pay if I enrolled in a formal IOP center somewhere. This sent my obsessive brain into a tailspin. Where to go? Where to go? Many a night I called my parents tormented about what next step to take. I consulted my treatment team over other options. I got on my knees and prayed that the Lord would open my eyes to whatever plan He had.
"Where to go, where to go?" I asked the Lord over again.
"Here into my arms," was His patient, calm answer to my panicking temperament.
For eight years I resided in Wisconsin where I spent my childhood free of addiction and filled instead with laughter. My entire extended family lives mostly here in Fond Du Lac. My Aunt is a recovered addict and also struggled with an eating disorder in points of her life. Later on, she decided to open up a sober living home to give back and reach out to girls struggling with alcoholism and dual-addictions.
It was here that God opened my eyes and her heart to. $90 dollars a week, close to Main Street and aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents it seemed like the perfect spot.
I talked it over with my team and we decided, let's do it~ So I made my flight reservation, crammed all my belongings in a paper towel box, said my goodbyes through tear filled eyes, and flew up to sticky Wisco on Tuesday. Once I stepped off that plane, my stormy heart was calmed by God's peace and the loving arms of my Aunt and Uncle who I am staying the week at until I check into the sober house.
Sunshine enveloped my soul. Trust me, I have moments where my heart clouds over...quite frequently actually. Food is hard. I spend my day by myself until my family returns from work at night. Ed gets in my head.
Skip this exchange. Don't eat your snack. You don't need this, you’re disgusting. P.I.G
But then I see the faces of my family- the small beautiful face of the 5 year old cousin I have NEVER met and I remember...I remember what I am fighting for. A small child of my own someday, perhaps. A life. Freedom. Happiness. And I push on.
I hear GODS voice overpower the perturbing voice of ED: "Into my arms little one. I am here."
For through HIM I can do all things. I can trust- that HE will provide my needs.
The rock I was given before I left Capri had the word "Miracles" inscribed on it. My journey has been a miracle. God continually places miracles in my life- My Aunt and Uncle who have taken me in- shelter, food, and support. It WILL take a miracle to find a job. To somehow financially support myself- with rent, food bills, and doctor's visits. But the Lord has gotten me this far. Through HIM I can do all things.
In my Bible I read this quote, “Living by faith is not easy, but it is essential. It is the only weapon for adversity that cannot fail."
Dorothy Kelly Patterson
One day at a time. Thank you for your support and continued prayers! I need all the help I can get~
YOU ARE ALL MY MIRACLES~

Independence Day

Fourth of July~
Hundreds of years ago this country was founded by the brave men who walked and died before us~ They fought to bring us freedom, equal opportunity, and the chance to live a life free of oppression from the forces of the British and the tyrannical rule of the King.
I spent my fourth of July in Arizona in treatment yet again for my eating disorder, a battle I have been fighting as long as I can remember. Today I am thankful-so very thankful for freedom. For the opportunity to live in a country that allows me to speak my opinion and use my voice without being condemned or punished for doing so. I am mostly grateful today, though, from my freedom today from ED. Yes, I have my good and bad days and still there are times I hear nothing but his conniving voice screaming in my head. I don't love my body on any terms. However, today I was able to go for my first walk in four months, properly nourish my body according to my dietitian, attend A.A. and fellowship with the men and women there, and have some fun and laughs with the women around me fighting the same fight everyday- the fight for our lives. The fight to overthrow our demons~ To kill ED. To declare independence from the scale, from the mirror, from the self defeating thoughts that take us down faster than any bullet or sword ever could. I stand today praising my Leader and Captain who has a whole militia of angels around me praying for me and supporting me. I am so very grateful for my friends and family who have been there for me every step of my journey.
This journey has been long~ 5 months and still counting. It ends here at Capri in two weeks. Where I will be heading on July 17th I am uncertain of still. But I know God will provide me with the finances and the means of doing so. He has gotten me this far and I know He has a plan for my continued recovery.
For all those who fought and died for me and for this country- thank you. To all those who have fought and prayed for me and my redemption- THANK YOU. And to my Higher Power who is freeing me every single day from the bondage of my addictions- THANK YOU~
Happy Independence Day~

Three~

Three is my favorite number~ I do mostly everything in three's. Don't know why...3 just speaks to me.
The Trinity. The Three amigos. The Three stooges~
THREE
I left for treatment three months ago. THREE. I can't believe how time has flown. All I know...is I am out here at Capri (the step down after intense inpatient where I resided for 9 weeks) and am so blessed and grateful to be ALIVE. I feel the sunshine. I feel the ground beneath me. I feel joy- fear-pain- love. Emotions. Things I pushed down and starved out in my disease. God is it hard. But God does it feel good. I feel human again. Winter is back~ And not the cold, bitter beast that invaded me before I awakened~
 The loving, laughing Winter I knew was underneath the bone-shaking cold and the numb appearance.
I got to live this weekend~ My daddy and his girlfriend Sherry flew down from Idaho JUST to see me this weekend. My daddy held me and told me he was proud of me. That he forgave me. And that he loved me. NOTHING could have felt better than that. I am so blessed to have a family who loves me and wonderful friends here and throughout my life, scattered around the country who I can count on.
And a Higher Power who I am forgiven by and who knows all the details~ Thank you GOD~
I wanted to share the letter I wrote when I arrived at Capri~ My letter to my eating disorder.~
Thank you all for your prayers~ Your thoughts~ Your unconditional love. I am living proof that there is a God and He can do miracles if we allow him to. AMEN~

               ~Goodbye Letter to Ed~ By Winter Groeschl~

ED:

We met when I was just a child. You began as a subtle whisper, your intoxicating and exciting fantasies of acceptance and love drew me in. We were immediately joined at the hip as you followed me around like a dark shadow. You knew my deepest secrets and my greatest fears. You then proceeded to take advantage of all I confided in you, stabbing me in the back with piercing daggers dripping with perfectionism, worthlessness, isolating, and self loathing. You took my precious innocence- my carefree childhood curiosity and tainted all I did. My once colorful world became engulfed in sickness, oozing with anxiety and fear. As our enmeshment progressed, your whispers heightened into blood curdling screams preventing any healthy thoughts to circulate into my convulsing brain. Tormented by you and you alone every second of every day- all 86,400 of them. I would crawl into bed and hide under the covers to try to drown you out, yet even when I was able to deceive the insomnia, your putrid images invaded my dreams.

            I felt such shame and disgust with myself and my body. You convinced me I was worthless, dispensable, and deserving of nothing but death. I believed that I was destined to remain a slave to you forever. Or until my very own hand would end the immense suffering.

            ED, I cannot, I WILL NOT, accept this disease as a part of me. I DO NOT equal you. The things I do in my disease are not definitive of who I, Winter, truly am. When I think of the things I have done while cohabitating with you, I am irate. I am ashamed. I have missed out on so much and caused so much pain, confusion, and discord in the lives of those that I love. I believed I needed to punish myself. I needed to starve the bad out of me. To beat my body of all the iniquities I had committed. To run off my feelings of self-loathing. I was running from me. The more weight I lost, the further I was from that 12 year old girl I was so ashamed of. My own flesh tormented me. It was not enough until I had hit bone. And even then you were still there, relentless. My attitude of stubbornness, perfectionism, and need for control drove me to insanity.

            Now I must learn to become fluid, like water. Flexible, wiling, and surrendered. Yet I keep returning to you. Taking back the power and handing it to you willingly, without hesitation. It makes me sick to think I keep trusting a vial creep like you. With your sick seductive lies wooing me back to you over and over. Your sweet promises of control, your voice beckoning me, trying to convince me that I need you. That you are all I deserve. “Only thinness cab equal acceptance and happiness,” your voice whispers. Your harsh tricks and murderous tactics of using the reflections around me to remind me again and again on the horrendous image of myself, me the monster that I see and feel.

            You gave me a sense of control when my world was in the midst of chaos, a coping mechanism for the stressors and fluctuations of life- a sense of accomplishment when I felt that engaging in your lifestyle was the only thing I was truly good at. You numbed my feelings and erased all emotions, the bad AND the good. You were my only friend when I had successfully pushed everyone else away. You allowed me to scream out HELP, using my body to communicate the pain I was in, when my mouth would not form the words. Verbalizing my needs and wants was too intimidating for me, thus my desperation manifested itself physically. However, this maladaptive way of living has taken its toll. You have shattered everything and left me broken, my life scattered in a million tiny pieces. And here I am trying franticly to glue the shards back together. The process is intensely painful and slow. I have blood all over my hands and torrents of tears escape from my eyes. Doubt and discouragement overwhelm me. Yet you underestimate me. I am a stubborn ass. I want healthy relationships with my family, friends, the outside world, my Higher Power, and MYSELF. Maybe in the future, a man who will love me in ways you NEVER could. I dream of finishing school and finding a fulfilling job that gives me that sense of accomplishment and purpose. My passion in life will now be to give back and help others overthrow your tyrannical reign, you disgusting filth. That is all I feel like with you- FILTH. I may have felt temporary feelings of power, but it is all a fallacy. If I stay with you, I would just acquire more shame and guilt, which I already have quite the collection of thank you very much.

            I am exhausted from remaining stuck in this cycle of self pity for years. All I can look forward to in staying with you is isolation and disconnect from the world, myself, and my Higher Power. Mental, emotional, and spiritual deterioration. And an inevitable, gruesome death. I lost myself. I don’t want to do it again. I am choosing to let go of you because I choose to feel my feelings- to take a risk- to encounter the chance that there is more to life than your lies and believe and trust that I am meant for more. Thus, I will be open, willing, and surrendered to my new best friend- my Higher Power. I am letting go. I am submitting to the plan God has for me. Plans to prosper me and and not harm me. Plans for a new and different future. So this is goodbye. I will not miss you. I will not shed a tear. I will not look back. Rot in hell and leave me and everyone else you prey one ALONE. How does it feel?

Sincerely NOT,

Winter~

THANK YOU

I go now to embark upon this journey~ My life is literally in the hands of the Lord. I am terrified. I don’t want to go. I don’t see what all the others see. But I keep hearing the same thing repeated over and over~ TRUST. So this I do. I go blindly into this again…distorted, broken, terrified. 

However, I go with God. I go with many people who miraculously and somehow love me. I am undeserving. I am awed at the amount of support and love I have felt~ I am speechless. Incredulous at the love- the sheer unconditional love- I have been given- that has been POURED out on me. From one section of the country to the other~ LITERALLY from Washington DC to Washington state the prayers and love keep pouring out. I don’t understand what you see in me. All I can do is go back and hope that maybe, I will catch a glimpse, a taste of what you all see.

This is to the wonderful family in Montana who has kept me alive this last month~ The Hofmans. I cannot describe how much I love you and how much I owe to you~ To my church family here at LoneRock~ Thank you so much for your prayers and support this past month~

To my family in Coeur d Alene~ To my beloved parents and brothers who I love with all my heart and more~  I LOVE YOU ALL FOREVER  To my family in Wisconsin and Michigan~ To my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents whom I love~

 To the Torres Family, the Newton family, the Slavens family, to Holly and Katy~ TO ALL my loved ones in CDA Idaho~

To those in Moscow who I love so much! Katie, Sarah D. Sarah V, Josina, Chantel W, John, Patrick, Mr. A. Brown, Heidi~ TO EVERYONE IN MOSCOW

To my Rosewood and ANJ treatment buddies~ THANK YOU ALL so much for your understanding and love and care~ If I can be any testament to you, please hear  this. STICK TO THE PLAN~ STAY THE PATH though it is soooo hard. PLEASE fight as I fight in Arizona~ we fight again together, though apart. This insidious disease cannot take a ONE of us. NO NO NO! I will not allow it! STAY STRONG and ROSES! J

To those on my treatment team who I owe so much to~ to the doctors, my therapist and my dietitian~ THANK you for keeping me alive.

I go now in the name of the Lord. He is my strength. I am weak. I should be and wish at times that I were dead. If I don’t go now…I will not make it. Yes, it would be easier. But I have never done the easy thing. I am stubborn as heck. And I cannot allow ED to take my life. I want to die at the ripe old age of a zillion, climbing mountains and living the life GOD wants me to live- NOT ED.

WITH CHRIST ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! HE WILL SET ME FREE~ BIND SATAN FROM ME O LORD~ KICK THIS IN THE CROTCH! J

JEREMIAH 29:11~

To ALL my readers, to everyone- In the great words of some famous military man I can’t think of: I WILL BE BACK! (he he) And you will all have to deal with me some moreJ This aint goodbye- this is see ya in a tad. GOD IS GOOD. I LOVE YOU ALL. SEE YOU SOOOOOOOOON

·         Please note that my brain is foggy, I am completely forgetful and if I forgot to say THANK YOU to ANYONE HERE IS TO EVERYONEEEEEE! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

AGAIN please- stay in touch-
Rosewood Ranch
Attn: Winter G
36075 S Rincon Road
Wickenburg, AZ 85390

Out of options...

I can't breathe. I can't stop crying. I can't think of anything, my mind just continually dwells in this dark pit, this mire of depression.
I have run out of options. I have been cornered. I can't go home. I can't stay in Montana and allow this family to feel they must take care of me for the long hall. They have lives. Unlike my own pathetic self.
I am going back~ Back to treatment. Arizona for starters. And God only knows where after.
I am disgusted with myself. I don't want to fight for life anymore, honestly. Because going back into treatment means putting life on hold yet again. Failure. Idiot. I cannot stand myself.

Birthday weekend

Birthday weekend~

The wonderful family I am staying with here in Montana drove me all the way to Idaho so I could see my family before my birthday this last weekend! We left Friday, hit up my dietitian in Spokane and had a checkup and blood drawn in Hayden.

Friday night went nothing like I was anticipating. After a nice dinner with the family, I returned home and had a very rough conversation with my parents which literally left me in the fetal position. Since I have been here in Montana there has been no “progress” made. Basically, to my dad that just means gaining weight. Gag. Thus, he threatened that if I don’t start moving up in numbers (again SHUTTER) he will force me back into rehab. What a nice thing to surprise your daughter with on her birthday. Can’t you just get me a card like any other person would? UGH

My heart is broken. And I am angry and stubborn. I need prayer. That ED stays out of my head these two weeks and allows me to surrender myself to what I am to do here. I am scared. I am disgusted with myself and the thought of gaining weight is utterly repulsive to me. I believe I am repulsive and huge. I don’t understand how anyone can see otherwise.

The rest of the weekend was filled with seeing friends- which included seeing my friend Jordan who I met one year ago, to the day! He surprised me from Tacoma and came and visited me for my birthday! How blessed I am! Such a blessing to see him and his inspirational face!

The Lord got us home safely and though it was a challenging trip, God is always good. He always has a plan. I just pray to God that I am allowed to remain here in the comfort of the mountains to heal, instead of being forced to undergo the awful process of treatment yet again. Anger fills my being as I realize that it was me who allowed myself to get to this spot again. I am so disappointed in my weakness. But in the weakness now I hope to be willing. Willing to do what it takes to stay here. Thank you all for your continued prayers~ They are needed now more than ever!  <3

Update from MONTANA~

I have been here about a week now in beautiful Montana staying with this wonderful family. I wake up every morning to smiling faces, beautiful mountains, and a warm wood stove greeting me~
What a gift it is to be shown all these skills I was never given the opportunity of learning growing up from two busy parents. My little "mommy" here has been keeping me busy by giving me lots of options and activities to do during the day: Kids church, babysitting, chores- which she hardly gives me :/ , bible studies, devotions, painting, scrap booking, cooking, etc. She has been amazing! She is even teaching me how to play the piano!  The Mr. has been teaching me backgammon and Dutch Blitz! I get to hang with my old friend here, too when she is not busy working, making bank!
It has been an amazing blessing! Recovery has been good...not easy mentally....but I am following a meal plan (amazing!) and ONLY doing the amount of activity I have been limited to....which has been freaking TORTUROUS!! But I know if I keep acting out it wont get me anywhere...sigh. Such a mental battle.
So the question has now been posed...Do I go back home and try to maintain this good "Streak" or do I stay with this family who has, by the grace of God, offered me to continue staying with them. I want to do whats best for recovery, my family, for this family...Ugh. I don't know WHAT I am supposed to be doing with my life..what the "right" answer is. I am so black and white and I live in this gray world.So how do I adapt now that all my vices are gone? Still learning...still growing...still trying to hang in there- taking one day at a time. It is amazing the love and kindness I have been shown here, how showered with prayer I am.
 I am so blessed. Yet, I feel so guilty and undeserving and can only say THANK YOU.
If my readers have thoughts on all of this, your input is more than welcome :) <3
God bless you today!

MONTANA~

I have been in Montana three days...
I feel like I have gained 30 pounds since I have been here. ED is yelling and screaming and KICKING me. WHAT am I doing? WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING sitting down? Eating that food? NOT running? Not taking care of your family at home? What are you doing intruding on this wonderful family's home? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
1. I'm not doing ANY activity~ I sit..alllllll day. :/
2. I'm eating. I'm following a meal plan. And its scary.
3. I am being loved on by so many people.
4. I'm scared and terrified and KNOW that my body is changing and freaking out. I don't know WHAT it is going to do or look like in a week...let alone tomorrow...but for some reason...being here in Montana with all this love and support and my friends around me is helping...slowing....quieting the noise.
I know I don't want to die. And without change I would have. So I am here. NOT at home where I was free to act out. Yes, in one aspect of my mind I'm a failure. I'm scared. ED tells me I will become fat, disgusting.
But on the other side, I'm safe. I have some structure. I have people who care about me here to love on me...
I feel so blessed and honored. I don't know whyyyy they are putting up with me, why they are so nice and kind to me when I have done nothing to deserve it. It is just such a wonderful testimony to God and his love for us in sending his Son Jesus to us. I am touched, moved, amazed. My iced over heart is slightly unthawing. My crazy brain slightly slowing. With each day (and trust me its minute by minute one day at a time) I keep challenging myself. I keep moving forward. Keep breathing. Keep hoping and putting my faith in those around me. Today, I will look to the GORGEOUS mountains and be grateful that I am alive. That I am here. And that God has a plan. I have NO idea what that plan is...but I will sit in this silence, this uncertainess, this scary place that my brain is in right now...and trust that it can only get better:) Grateful <3

Off to Montana~

I feel as though I am slothing through a bog of the thickest, most grotesque slime you could possibly imagine.
Every day just seems like this epic battle in my head. I feel utterly useless as I sit around at home and try to preoccupy my tortured mind. I hear nothing but the insane shriekings of Satan that comes in the form of my ED. Forever telling me that I am a disgusting, filthy, fleshy, fat freak who deserves nothing more than what I have coming to me- DEATH. 
The voices are so much louder when I am not acting out...and this past week has been absolute hell. I want to run, scream, smash something, pound my head into a wall do ANYTHING to make it stop. So stop thinking about food. Weight. What a disappointing lazy slug I am. No work. No school. What am I? A life sucking flea that only makes everyone around them miserable. I feel even though I am making these HUGE steps (no running, more food) it goes unnoticed. Accept by ED who is FREAKING out. My mind and the voices are equivalent to a horror movie with people insanely screaming 24/7. It is disgusting.
I am going to visit good friends in Montana for a week or two to see if ANYTHING helps. I don't know why they are willing to take me in, I feel like such a burden...I cannot believe how blessed I am to have this offer to come and have a routine- something to do. Maybe it will help? I don't know...but I do know I am desperate. For any sort of relief right now. And tearing my hair out and bashing my head against the wall is probably not the best solution. This off to beautiful Montana I go~ All of your prayers and thoughts have and are appreciated! I am utterly spent. But I will continue to try to put one foot in front of another while wading through this haze. I cant see where I'm going. There is no light and I'm blindly stumbling along. I cant feel anything anymore. I'm emotionally unavailable. Checked out. I cling to the only thing I have left~ YOUR support and words of encouragement. THANK YOU

Terrified....

So now that I have accepted that I cannot stay in this place, that I am tired of being sick and tired, my treatment team and I are discussing my options.
1. Inpatient
2. I do this...I really do this. I eat. And NOT run.
And 3. IM TERRIFIED. I know logically in order to reverse this process the lengths it takes to get there. I know logically I have to eat food. And not run. And allow my body to GAIN WEIGHT (ughhhhhhhhh)
In a world and society that pushes losing weight EVERYWHERE, hearing those words or USING them- GAIN WEIGHT just equals failure in my distorted head. I feel disgusting. I think I look fine. No one says anything...so why do I need to gain weight? I suck. Why should I be allowed food?
All I know is I am terrified. I don't know what a "normal" person eats in a day. I am afraid I have shot my metabolism. So I am so scared of eating normally...of trying to eat more for that matter. Of food and my body...in general!
I am terrified... But going BACK to inpatient is also mortifying...even admitting that I'm back to thinking about that option is so revolting to me. I let everyone down. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE STRONG. I AM SUPPOSED TO HAVE MY LIFE TOGETHER. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE RECOVERED. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM? All I know is I am disappointed in myself beyond words. And now terrified to take any steps forward. :/

When I can't find the words....

I am engrossed. Entrenched. Trapped. Tormented. Stuck. Encased. Unable to move. Tired, weak, lethargic. Simply trying to hold onto the last bits of energy before I end my day. Secluded. Isolated. Depressed.
How do you know when you have had enough? When you are at your edge? When your time has come? When you give up~ What is your "rock" bottom?
For many addicts, alcoholics, drug users etc. a number of things can send them into remission. They run out of money, get kicked out of their living space, a loved one leaves them. Health complications. Death?
I don't fear death. Maybe that is my problem. I don't care enough about this shell that I occupy to give it a second thought. DEATH- not a word I think too much about.
Here is another word I have a hard time spitting out~ RELAPSE. When released in July, I thought recovery would be simple. Swift. Endless. This time, I told myself, I will NOT fail.
I have not been honest. I have not been truthful. I have sheltered everyone. Lying. Pretending. Faking that all was well and I was OK. While secretly having a passionate love affair with the devil~with my eating disorder. And now I must be honest with not only you and others, but with myself. My hands are tied. I allowed myself to become his slave. I RELAPSED. I failed. I am back to where I was a year ago. And I shake my head in utter disgust with myself. This is what it has come to.
I didn't think it was that bad. Sure, my parents kept saying shizz like "you look bad." well...I think I look like a heinous fat monster. so....
And noone else notices. Noone else says I look "bad" (as in too thin.) But here is the truth- it wont be enough for me ever. There is no THIN ENOUGH in my eyes. And as much as it pains me to know that I DESPISE the way I look now and others dont even notice...Im beginning to wonder if the pain and agony I am feeling locked in this disease is worth it anymore.
Now I face my options once more- stop what I am doing and take the steps needed towards recovery or...to be honest DIE. I believed I was invincible. I thought I could just do this forever. But this last week has been eye opening. Something has shifted. I can feel death on my shoulder, its cold, icy fingers clenching my heart- seeping into my bones.
When I was 13 years old I have vivid memories of playing M.A.S.H with my best friends~ Not a care in the world, besides who I end up marrying on this fake sheet of paper of course! I had so many hopes, so many plans, so many dreams of where I wanted to be when I was 18-19-20 years old. A singer/songwriter? An actress? College! Dating! Married? Where am I now? Spent my 19th birthday in rehab. Live at home. No job. No school. My life revolves around this- ED. And now it could take the one last miserable thing I have left- my existence. My very life.
I feel I have let everyone down. My family and friends should be ashamed. I have pushed everyone away as I have dug myself into this shallow grave. Sometimes I think it would be better off to die...to spare everyone from my crazy, ugly messed up self. I was supposed to be the good example for my younger brothers. I am supposed to have my life ironed out...well at least be able to care for myself properly. I am disappointed with myself, to say the least. It just adds to this cycle.
I don't really know what to say...or where to go from here. So I take today as it comes...one step at a time. This is not the blog entry I WISH I was writing, but it is one that must be written. I thank you all for your love and support, though I truly cannot fathom how anyone can stand me at this point. GOD bless~