OK so….I'm super tired and super sick…aaaaand I can’t sleep for the life of me…Awesome…So I instead…will write~
I have been thinking a lot about my friend who called me the
other night searching for support. She also struggles with an eating disorder
and told me how the other day at work, some woman came up to her and said one
word, “Congrats!”
Confused, my friend looked at her and replied, “Ummmmm….for
what?!” The woman then stated, “You are pregnant, right?! CONGRATS!”
My friend is NOT pregnant. Nor is she even close to looking
like she would be even CAPABLE of carrying a child. She was devastated. And I
was furious. My heart broke and my mouth gaped open when she told me this
story. I have been there. In fact, my mom and I were talking eons ago about
defining moments in our lives that really triggered the spirals of our eating
disorders…comments that not only left lasting impacts in our memories and
heart, but our bodies as well, as we both struggle with anorexia.
“You have a big butt!” Was a comment I heard from a boy I
grew up with and had an epic childhood crush on!
“You are fat!” were the rebuttals my two brothers would scream
back at me during our sister/brother fights.
“If you lost x amount of pounds, you would be a ten,” was
the suggestion my mother was given in high school by her crush.
While eating disorders are a conglomeration of much more
than just comments like these, beware that words really do affect people and
the view they have of themselves. But it was just extra toppings added to the perfect storm…
As I listened to my friend and struggled to find the answers
for her…the right advice…the perfect thing to say…I realized I didn’t even know
how to respond. Because I feel like anything I could say would be dripping with
hypocrisy. I didn’t know how to handle it. How is she supposed to? Besides keeping
in mind that she is among good company: Beyonce and Kim Kardashian are always
gracing the tabloids rumoring to be 'preggers' with their baby bumps, which in
all reality is just gas!!!! Or a weird fitting shirt!!! Or….maybe...just perhaps a
friggin' food baby! So why does what other people say affect us so much? Or do we just allow
it to?
This has been something I have been mulling on
lately…an issue I feel God has been placing concretely on my heart and showing me is an
area that needs some work in my life~ People pleasing, care-taking, the
desperate search for outside approval, and how much my self-worth is based on
what others think of me.
Yesterday morning I went to church and was told by my small
group leader that that specific Sunday morning it was our small group’s turn to
step out during the sermon and pray specifically for the message that was being
given. Immediately, I didn’t want to. I wanted to be selfish and listen to the
sermon! But I didn’t want to upset my leader so I decided to go and pray with
her…we prayed for the worship team, the pastor, the church, and the newcomers
walking through the door. And we prayed for us as Christians to be open and
welcoming, with our hearts to be in the right place and for our spirits to be
focused on bringing glory to God…and not ourselves. Bringing glory to the
Father…and not myself. I was struck by this. How often do I participate in
things for the mere purpose of wanting to please others or make myself look
like a ‘good’ person? Which led me to a slew of self-probing questions~ Many of
which led me to feeling like a horrible person…the insides of my heart feeling
like it was just grated by sandpaper…left pink, raw, and gaping.
Why do I put makeup on when I go out? Why do people post
pictures of themselves in bikinis, after workouts, during diets, after
haircuts? What is the purpose of selfies? Besides the HILARIOUS duck lip pose
of course..;) But really…If I were the last person on earth…would I still run?
Why do I force myself to wake up before class every morning- rain, snow, sleet,
sickness, or pain- to run? Yes, there is definitely a joy I experience- the endorphins,
the reduction of anxiety and release of stress, the time alone-away- with God. But is it also to not burn calories? To EARN my
intake of food for the day? To make sure I present myself as healthy and fit?
To prove myself competent?
A co-worker of mine made a comment to me the other
day~ “You are so hard core! My daughter and I always see you, the same time, every
morning either biking to school, the gym, or running! No matter the weather...even Saturday when it was 17 degrees!” I just laughed…and immediately felt
relieved…
"Well at least I am good at something!" I thought. That right there...Pride. But for what? Running around
in circles? I once saw a post on Facebook that made me laugh…and think at the
same time: I forgot to post I was going to the gym on Facebook…My workout is
ruined!
How often I see posts of people stating how many reps they
can do, how many miles they run, how much weight they have lost and what a
killer workout they just had. And my stomach turns. Why? Because I get
irritated! WHY?! BECAUSE IM JEALOUS! If I see anyone running on the side of the
rode, I am immediately angry at myself because…well, if they are running I should
be too! No excuses! BUT WHY?! I always say I am such a perfectionist…I HAVE to
do this…I MUST do that~ Good grades, perfect scores, clean house and room, new
clothes, spotless appearance. For what? My glory? Others praise? Or HIS? Does
HE care? Does my Savior care when I have my hair perfectly straightened, teeth
whitened, clothes pressed and lookin’ fly but yet don’t want to bend down and
pick up that crying child because they might get snot on my new shirt! Don’t want
to get dirty helping another person up or muss up the hair do by walking in the
rain to a friend in need! God forbid I be late to somewhere because I am
stopping to say hi to someone who needs a friend! How selfish I have become…how
self-seeking. Why can’t I be OK with myself regardless of whether I am in PJ’s
or in a dress… Why can’t a woman look at herself in the mirror and exclaim, “Damn!
I am WORKING it today!” instead of having to rely on someone to comment on how
pretty she looks. Can she not recognize the beauty within herself as a human
being, a creation of God without someone telling her so? And if someone does
tell her so, will she truly even believe it or take it to heart? Why can a man
not buy tickets to his own gun show? Does he have to prove himself manly or can
it instead be a trait inherently possessed by him no matter if he shows his
true emotions or not? Can we judge a man on his integrity and the size of his
heart and measure of love for his brothers and Christ instead of how much he
can lift or how ‘swoll’ he is? Who gives a crap what size her chest is…what
brand his jeans are…how much money is in your bank account or what you cumulative
GPA is. But…in the end…like Linkin Park says…“It doesn’t even matter.” J
Reading through Luke chapter 13 with my awesome
accountability partner #loveher, I came across two significant stories tonight…as
I lie awake! J
Verse 24 says: “Strive to enter through the narrow gate, for
many will seek to enter and will not be able. When once the Master of the house
has risen up and shut the door, and you begin to stand outside and knock at the
door saying, ‘Lord, Lord open for us’!” But He will answer and say to you, “I
do not know you…where you are from?” And you will begin to say, “We ate and
drank in your presence!” But He will say, I tell you I do not know you, depart
from me all you workers of iniquity. FOR INDEED: those who are last will be
first and those that are first will be last.”
WOW…so are you tellin’ me…even if I work my butt of to be
first in my graduating class, first woman to do this…earn this amount of money…run
this many miles…it will result to nothing in the end?!!!
In verse 10, Jesus the Lord beholds a woman who has been bound
by Satan for 18 years, suffering from a spinal problem. And though the woman
does not ask for healing, Jesus restores her, having compassion for her,
regardless of it being on the Sabbath! I have struggled the entirety of my life
with sin…with caring about what people will say...what they will think…how they
judge me. But just like this…the Lord lays His hands on her saying, “Woman, you
are loosed from your infirmity,” and immediately she is made straight and
glorifies God! I want to be like that woman…who has been crooked in her
strivings for so many years…22 to be exact, but in an instant is forgiven by God. I want to forget about what others
think…and pretend that it is just me and Jesus. Cause in the end…that is all
that it will boil down to!
Selah and sweet dreams…maybe?…finally?...hopefully~J
