THANK YOU

I go now to embark upon this journey~ My life is literally in the hands of the Lord. I am terrified. I don’t want to go. I don’t see what all the others see. But I keep hearing the same thing repeated over and over~ TRUST. So this I do. I go blindly into this again…distorted, broken, terrified. 

However, I go with God. I go with many people who miraculously and somehow love me. I am undeserving. I am awed at the amount of support and love I have felt~ I am speechless. Incredulous at the love- the sheer unconditional love- I have been given- that has been POURED out on me. From one section of the country to the other~ LITERALLY from Washington DC to Washington state the prayers and love keep pouring out. I don’t understand what you see in me. All I can do is go back and hope that maybe, I will catch a glimpse, a taste of what you all see.

This is to the wonderful family in Montana who has kept me alive this last month~ The Hofmans. I cannot describe how much I love you and how much I owe to you~ To my church family here at LoneRock~ Thank you so much for your prayers and support this past month~

To my family in Coeur d Alene~ To my beloved parents and brothers who I love with all my heart and more~  I LOVE YOU ALL FOREVER  To my family in Wisconsin and Michigan~ To my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents whom I love~

 To the Torres Family, the Newton family, the Slavens family, to Holly and Katy~ TO ALL my loved ones in CDA Idaho~

To those in Moscow who I love so much! Katie, Sarah D. Sarah V, Josina, Chantel W, John, Patrick, Mr. A. Brown, Heidi~ TO EVERYONE IN MOSCOW

To my Rosewood and ANJ treatment buddies~ THANK YOU ALL so much for your understanding and love and care~ If I can be any testament to you, please hear  this. STICK TO THE PLAN~ STAY THE PATH though it is soooo hard. PLEASE fight as I fight in Arizona~ we fight again together, though apart. This insidious disease cannot take a ONE of us. NO NO NO! I will not allow it! STAY STRONG and ROSES! J

To those on my treatment team who I owe so much to~ to the doctors, my therapist and my dietitian~ THANK you for keeping me alive.

I go now in the name of the Lord. He is my strength. I am weak. I should be and wish at times that I were dead. If I don’t go now…I will not make it. Yes, it would be easier. But I have never done the easy thing. I am stubborn as heck. And I cannot allow ED to take my life. I want to die at the ripe old age of a zillion, climbing mountains and living the life GOD wants me to live- NOT ED.

WITH CHRIST ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! HE WILL SET ME FREE~ BIND SATAN FROM ME O LORD~ KICK THIS IN THE CROTCH! J

JEREMIAH 29:11~

To ALL my readers, to everyone- In the great words of some famous military man I can’t think of: I WILL BE BACK! (he he) And you will all have to deal with me some moreJ This aint goodbye- this is see ya in a tad. GOD IS GOOD. I LOVE YOU ALL. SEE YOU SOOOOOOOOON

·         Please note that my brain is foggy, I am completely forgetful and if I forgot to say THANK YOU to ANYONE HERE IS TO EVERYONEEEEEE! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

AGAIN please- stay in touch-
Rosewood Ranch
Attn: Winter G
36075 S Rincon Road
Wickenburg, AZ 85390

Out of options...

I can't breathe. I can't stop crying. I can't think of anything, my mind just continually dwells in this dark pit, this mire of depression.
I have run out of options. I have been cornered. I can't go home. I can't stay in Montana and allow this family to feel they must take care of me for the long hall. They have lives. Unlike my own pathetic self.
I am going back~ Back to treatment. Arizona for starters. And God only knows where after.
I am disgusted with myself. I don't want to fight for life anymore, honestly. Because going back into treatment means putting life on hold yet again. Failure. Idiot. I cannot stand myself.

Birthday weekend

Birthday weekend~

The wonderful family I am staying with here in Montana drove me all the way to Idaho so I could see my family before my birthday this last weekend! We left Friday, hit up my dietitian in Spokane and had a checkup and blood drawn in Hayden.

Friday night went nothing like I was anticipating. After a nice dinner with the family, I returned home and had a very rough conversation with my parents which literally left me in the fetal position. Since I have been here in Montana there has been no “progress” made. Basically, to my dad that just means gaining weight. Gag. Thus, he threatened that if I don’t start moving up in numbers (again SHUTTER) he will force me back into rehab. What a nice thing to surprise your daughter with on her birthday. Can’t you just get me a card like any other person would? UGH

My heart is broken. And I am angry and stubborn. I need prayer. That ED stays out of my head these two weeks and allows me to surrender myself to what I am to do here. I am scared. I am disgusted with myself and the thought of gaining weight is utterly repulsive to me. I believe I am repulsive and huge. I don’t understand how anyone can see otherwise.

The rest of the weekend was filled with seeing friends- which included seeing my friend Jordan who I met one year ago, to the day! He surprised me from Tacoma and came and visited me for my birthday! How blessed I am! Such a blessing to see him and his inspirational face!

The Lord got us home safely and though it was a challenging trip, God is always good. He always has a plan. I just pray to God that I am allowed to remain here in the comfort of the mountains to heal, instead of being forced to undergo the awful process of treatment yet again. Anger fills my being as I realize that it was me who allowed myself to get to this spot again. I am so disappointed in my weakness. But in the weakness now I hope to be willing. Willing to do what it takes to stay here. Thank you all for your continued prayers~ They are needed now more than ever!  <3

Update from MONTANA~

I have been here about a week now in beautiful Montana staying with this wonderful family. I wake up every morning to smiling faces, beautiful mountains, and a warm wood stove greeting me~
What a gift it is to be shown all these skills I was never given the opportunity of learning growing up from two busy parents. My little "mommy" here has been keeping me busy by giving me lots of options and activities to do during the day: Kids church, babysitting, chores- which she hardly gives me :/ , bible studies, devotions, painting, scrap booking, cooking, etc. She has been amazing! She is even teaching me how to play the piano!  The Mr. has been teaching me backgammon and Dutch Blitz! I get to hang with my old friend here, too when she is not busy working, making bank!
It has been an amazing blessing! Recovery has been good...not easy mentally....but I am following a meal plan (amazing!) and ONLY doing the amount of activity I have been limited to....which has been freaking TORTUROUS!! But I know if I keep acting out it wont get me anywhere...sigh. Such a mental battle.
So the question has now been posed...Do I go back home and try to maintain this good "Streak" or do I stay with this family who has, by the grace of God, offered me to continue staying with them. I want to do whats best for recovery, my family, for this family...Ugh. I don't know WHAT I am supposed to be doing with my life..what the "right" answer is. I am so black and white and I live in this gray world.So how do I adapt now that all my vices are gone? Still learning...still growing...still trying to hang in there- taking one day at a time. It is amazing the love and kindness I have been shown here, how showered with prayer I am.
 I am so blessed. Yet, I feel so guilty and undeserving and can only say THANK YOU.
If my readers have thoughts on all of this, your input is more than welcome :) <3
God bless you today!

MONTANA~

I have been in Montana three days...
I feel like I have gained 30 pounds since I have been here. ED is yelling and screaming and KICKING me. WHAT am I doing? WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING sitting down? Eating that food? NOT running? Not taking care of your family at home? What are you doing intruding on this wonderful family's home? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
1. I'm not doing ANY activity~ I sit..alllllll day. :/
2. I'm eating. I'm following a meal plan. And its scary.
3. I am being loved on by so many people.
4. I'm scared and terrified and KNOW that my body is changing and freaking out. I don't know WHAT it is going to do or look like in a week...let alone tomorrow...but for some reason...being here in Montana with all this love and support and my friends around me is helping...slowing....quieting the noise.
I know I don't want to die. And without change I would have. So I am here. NOT at home where I was free to act out. Yes, in one aspect of my mind I'm a failure. I'm scared. ED tells me I will become fat, disgusting.
But on the other side, I'm safe. I have some structure. I have people who care about me here to love on me...
I feel so blessed and honored. I don't know whyyyy they are putting up with me, why they are so nice and kind to me when I have done nothing to deserve it. It is just such a wonderful testimony to God and his love for us in sending his Son Jesus to us. I am touched, moved, amazed. My iced over heart is slightly unthawing. My crazy brain slightly slowing. With each day (and trust me its minute by minute one day at a time) I keep challenging myself. I keep moving forward. Keep breathing. Keep hoping and putting my faith in those around me. Today, I will look to the GORGEOUS mountains and be grateful that I am alive. That I am here. And that God has a plan. I have NO idea what that plan is...but I will sit in this silence, this uncertainess, this scary place that my brain is in right now...and trust that it can only get better:) Grateful <3