I feel as though I am slothing through a bog of the thickest, most grotesque slime you could possibly imagine.
Every day just seems like this epic battle in my head. I feel utterly useless as I sit around at home and try to preoccupy my tortured mind. I hear nothing but the insane shriekings of Satan that comes in the form of my ED. Forever telling me that I am a disgusting, filthy, fleshy, fat freak who deserves nothing more than what I have coming to me- DEATH.
The voices are so much louder when I am not acting out...and this past week has been absolute hell. I want to run, scream, smash something, pound my head into a wall do ANYTHING to make it stop. So stop thinking about food. Weight. What a disappointing lazy slug I am. No work. No school. What am I? A life sucking flea that only makes everyone around them miserable. I feel even though I am making these HUGE steps (no running, more food) it goes unnoticed. Accept by ED who is FREAKING out. My mind and the voices are equivalent to a horror movie with people insanely screaming 24/7. It is disgusting.
I am going to visit good friends in Montana for a week or two to see if ANYTHING helps. I don't know why they are willing to take me in, I feel like such a burden...I cannot believe how blessed I am to have this offer to come and have a routine- something to do. Maybe it will help? I don't know...but I do know I am desperate. For any sort of relief right now. And tearing my hair out and bashing my head against the wall is probably not the best solution. This off to beautiful Montana I go~ All of your prayers and thoughts have and are appreciated! I am utterly spent. But I will continue to try to put one foot in front of another while wading through this haze. I cant see where I'm going. There is no light and I'm blindly stumbling along. I cant feel anything anymore. I'm emotionally unavailable. Checked out. I cling to the only thing I have left~ YOUR support and words of encouragement. THANK YOU
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Terrified....
So now that I have accepted that I cannot stay in this place, that I am tired of being sick and tired, my treatment team and I are discussing my options.
1. Inpatient
2. I do this...I really do this. I eat. And NOT run.
And 3. IM TERRIFIED. I know logically in order to reverse this process the lengths it takes to get there. I know logically I have to eat food. And not run. And allow my body to GAIN WEIGHT (ughhhhhhhhh)
In a world and society that pushes losing weight EVERYWHERE, hearing those words or USING them- GAIN WEIGHT just equals failure in my distorted head. I feel disgusting. I think I look fine. No one says anything...so why do I need to gain weight? I suck. Why should I be allowed food?
All I know is I am terrified. I don't know what a "normal" person eats in a day. I am afraid I have shot my metabolism. So I am so scared of eating normally...of trying to eat more for that matter. Of food and my body...in general!
I am terrified... But going BACK to inpatient is also mortifying...even admitting that I'm back to thinking about that option is so revolting to me. I let everyone down. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE STRONG. I AM SUPPOSED TO HAVE MY LIFE TOGETHER. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE RECOVERED. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM? All I know is I am disappointed in myself beyond words. And now terrified to take any steps forward. :/
1. Inpatient
2. I do this...I really do this. I eat. And NOT run.
And 3. IM TERRIFIED. I know logically in order to reverse this process the lengths it takes to get there. I know logically I have to eat food. And not run. And allow my body to GAIN WEIGHT (ughhhhhhhhh)
In a world and society that pushes losing weight EVERYWHERE, hearing those words or USING them- GAIN WEIGHT just equals failure in my distorted head. I feel disgusting. I think I look fine. No one says anything...so why do I need to gain weight? I suck. Why should I be allowed food?
All I know is I am terrified. I don't know what a "normal" person eats in a day. I am afraid I have shot my metabolism. So I am so scared of eating normally...of trying to eat more for that matter. Of food and my body...in general!
I am terrified... But going BACK to inpatient is also mortifying...even admitting that I'm back to thinking about that option is so revolting to me. I let everyone down. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE STRONG. I AM SUPPOSED TO HAVE MY LIFE TOGETHER. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE RECOVERED. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM? All I know is I am disappointed in myself beyond words. And now terrified to take any steps forward. :/
Saturday, January 14, 2012
When I can't find the words....
I am engrossed. Entrenched. Trapped. Tormented. Stuck. Encased. Unable to move. Tired, weak, lethargic. Simply trying to hold onto the last bits of energy before I end my day. Secluded. Isolated. Depressed.
How do you know when you have had enough? When you are at your edge? When your time has come? When you give up~ What is your "rock" bottom?
For many addicts, alcoholics, drug users etc. a number of things can send them into remission. They run out of money, get kicked out of their living space, a loved one leaves them. Health complications. Death?
I don't fear death. Maybe that is my problem. I don't care enough about this shell that I occupy to give it a second thought. DEATH- not a word I think too much about.
Here is another word I have a hard time spitting out~ RELAPSE. When released in July, I thought recovery would be simple. Swift. Endless. This time, I told myself, I will NOT fail.
I have not been honest. I have not been truthful. I have sheltered everyone. Lying. Pretending. Faking that all was well and I was OK. While secretly having a passionate love affair with the devil~with my eating disorder. And now I must be honest with not only you and others, but with myself. My hands are tied. I allowed myself to become his slave. I RELAPSED. I failed. I am back to where I was a year ago. And I shake my head in utter disgust with myself. This is what it has come to.
I didn't think it was that bad. Sure, my parents kept saying shizz like "you look bad." well...I think I look like a heinous fat monster. so....
And noone else notices. Noone else says I look "bad" (as in too thin.) But here is the truth- it wont be enough for me ever. There is no THIN ENOUGH in my eyes. And as much as it pains me to know that I DESPISE the way I look now and others dont even notice...Im beginning to wonder if the pain and agony I am feeling locked in this disease is worth it anymore.
Now I face my options once more- stop what I am doing and take the steps needed towards recovery or...to be honest DIE. I believed I was invincible. I thought I could just do this forever. But this last week has been eye opening. Something has shifted. I can feel death on my shoulder, its cold, icy fingers clenching my heart- seeping into my bones.
When I was 13 years old I have vivid memories of playing M.A.S.H with my best friends~ Not a care in the world, besides who I end up marrying on this fake sheet of paper of course! I had so many hopes, so many plans, so many dreams of where I wanted to be when I was 18-19-20 years old. A singer/songwriter? An actress? College! Dating! Married? Where am I now? Spent my 19th birthday in rehab. Live at home. No job. No school. My life revolves around this- ED. And now it could take the one last miserable thing I have left- my existence. My very life.
I feel I have let everyone down. My family and friends should be ashamed. I have pushed everyone away as I have dug myself into this shallow grave. Sometimes I think it would be better off to die...to spare everyone from my crazy, ugly messed up self. I was supposed to be the good example for my younger brothers. I am supposed to have my life ironed out...well at least be able to care for myself properly. I am disappointed with myself, to say the least. It just adds to this cycle.
I don't really know what to say...or where to go from here. So I take today as it comes...one step at a time. This is not the blog entry I WISH I was writing, but it is one that must be written. I thank you all for your love and support, though I truly cannot fathom how anyone can stand me at this point. GOD bless~
How do you know when you have had enough? When you are at your edge? When your time has come? When you give up~ What is your "rock" bottom?
For many addicts, alcoholics, drug users etc. a number of things can send them into remission. They run out of money, get kicked out of their living space, a loved one leaves them. Health complications. Death?
I don't fear death. Maybe that is my problem. I don't care enough about this shell that I occupy to give it a second thought. DEATH- not a word I think too much about.
Here is another word I have a hard time spitting out~ RELAPSE. When released in July, I thought recovery would be simple. Swift. Endless. This time, I told myself, I will NOT fail.
I have not been honest. I have not been truthful. I have sheltered everyone. Lying. Pretending. Faking that all was well and I was OK. While secretly having a passionate love affair with the devil~with my eating disorder. And now I must be honest with not only you and others, but with myself. My hands are tied. I allowed myself to become his slave. I RELAPSED. I failed. I am back to where I was a year ago. And I shake my head in utter disgust with myself. This is what it has come to.
I didn't think it was that bad. Sure, my parents kept saying shizz like "you look bad." well...I think I look like a heinous fat monster. so....
And noone else notices. Noone else says I look "bad" (as in too thin.) But here is the truth- it wont be enough for me ever. There is no THIN ENOUGH in my eyes. And as much as it pains me to know that I DESPISE the way I look now and others dont even notice...Im beginning to wonder if the pain and agony I am feeling locked in this disease is worth it anymore.
Now I face my options once more- stop what I am doing and take the steps needed towards recovery or...to be honest DIE. I believed I was invincible. I thought I could just do this forever. But this last week has been eye opening. Something has shifted. I can feel death on my shoulder, its cold, icy fingers clenching my heart- seeping into my bones.
When I was 13 years old I have vivid memories of playing M.A.S.H with my best friends~ Not a care in the world, besides who I end up marrying on this fake sheet of paper of course! I had so many hopes, so many plans, so many dreams of where I wanted to be when I was 18-19-20 years old. A singer/songwriter? An actress? College! Dating! Married? Where am I now? Spent my 19th birthday in rehab. Live at home. No job. No school. My life revolves around this- ED. And now it could take the one last miserable thing I have left- my existence. My very life.
I feel I have let everyone down. My family and friends should be ashamed. I have pushed everyone away as I have dug myself into this shallow grave. Sometimes I think it would be better off to die...to spare everyone from my crazy, ugly messed up self. I was supposed to be the good example for my younger brothers. I am supposed to have my life ironed out...well at least be able to care for myself properly. I am disappointed with myself, to say the least. It just adds to this cycle.
I don't really know what to say...or where to go from here. So I take today as it comes...one step at a time. This is not the blog entry I WISH I was writing, but it is one that must be written. I thank you all for your love and support, though I truly cannot fathom how anyone can stand me at this point. GOD bless~
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