I am engrossed. Entrenched. Trapped. Tormented. Stuck. Encased. Unable to move. Tired, weak, lethargic. Simply trying to hold onto the last bits of energy before I end my day. Secluded. Isolated. Depressed.
How do you know when you have had enough? When you are at your edge? When your time has come? When you give up~ What is your "rock" bottom?
For many addicts, alcoholics, drug users etc. a number of things can send them into remission. They run out of money, get kicked out of their living space, a loved one leaves them. Health complications. Death?
I don't fear death. Maybe that is my problem. I don't care enough about this shell that I occupy to give it a second thought. DEATH- not a word I think too much about.
Here is another word I have a hard time spitting out~ RELAPSE. When released in July, I thought recovery would be simple. Swift. Endless. This time, I told myself, I will NOT fail.
I have not been honest. I have not been truthful. I have sheltered everyone. Lying. Pretending. Faking that all was well and I was OK. While secretly having a passionate love affair with the devil~with my eating disorder. And now I must be honest with not only you and others, but with myself. My hands are tied. I allowed myself to become his slave. I RELAPSED. I failed. I am back to where I was a year ago. And I shake my head in utter disgust with myself. This is what it has come to.
I didn't think it was that bad. Sure, my parents kept saying shizz like "you look bad." well...I think I look like a heinous fat monster. so....
And noone else notices. Noone else says I look "bad" (as in too thin.) But here is the truth- it wont be enough for me ever. There is no THIN ENOUGH in my eyes. And as much as it pains me to know that I DESPISE the way I look now and others dont even notice...Im beginning to wonder if the pain and agony I am feeling locked in this disease is worth it anymore.
Now I face my options once more- stop what I am doing and take the steps needed towards recovery or...to be honest DIE. I believed I was invincible. I thought I could just do this forever. But this last week has been eye opening. Something has shifted. I can feel death on my shoulder, its cold, icy fingers clenching my heart- seeping into my bones.
When I was 13 years old I have vivid memories of playing M.A.S.H with my best friends~ Not a care in the world, besides who I end up marrying on this fake sheet of paper of course! I had so many hopes, so many plans, so many dreams of where I wanted to be when I was 18-19-20 years old. A singer/songwriter? An actress? College! Dating! Married? Where am I now? Spent my 19th birthday in rehab. Live at home. No job. No school. My life revolves around this- ED. And now it could take the one last miserable thing I have left- my existence. My very life.
I feel I have let everyone down. My family and friends should be ashamed. I have pushed everyone away as I have dug myself into this shallow grave. Sometimes I think it would be better off to die...to spare everyone from my crazy, ugly messed up self. I was supposed to be the good example for my younger brothers. I am supposed to have my life ironed out...well at least be able to care for myself properly. I am disappointed with myself, to say the least. It just adds to this cycle.
I don't really know what to say...or where to go from here. So I take today as it comes...one step at a time. This is not the blog entry I WISH I was writing, but it is one that must be written. I thank you all for your love and support, though I truly cannot fathom how anyone can stand me at this point. GOD bless~
