That damn dark chocolate...

ED hates chocolate…Winter…well, if you put anything remotely resembling dark chocolate covered ANYTHING in front of her, prepare for it to be consumed like it is going out of style, like it is being discontinued, never to be found on the shelves again after this sighting. I will devour it. Period. ED hates me…He hates the fact that I have a sick sweet tooth. That I love to eat. That I enjoy food. And not just carrots and celery...no FOOD~ Sugary, gooey, chocolate dipped, fat ridden food. I look around at all the women around me and feel such guilt. Such shame. I hear him telling me that I am the only one who comes back from a weekend at home with a Costco sized bag of dark chocolate covered pretzels and devours nearly the entire bag in three days…He tells me that I am not worthy of wearing the new clothes I bought because I don’t deserve them and I should starve before I wear anything new. He tells me I should cut myself because I told myself I wouldn’t eat sweets after getting home and then in moments of intense weakness I eat them. Lots of them (called ironic processes- the more you try not to think about the chocolate “hiding” in the cupboard, the more you hear it calling your name…)

I am tired…sick and tired of this. Of loathing myself. Of not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. Of wanting to cut my wrists with everything and anything I find on the sidewalk as I walk to class. Of endless suicidal ideations running through my racing mind. Yep, I am following somewhat of a meal plan. And I am STILL eating all this shiz on top of it…and no matter how many times my dietitian tells me that I am still prolly “hyper-metabolic” ED just screams…YOU FAT LARD YOU NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT! You are disgusting…

And I am breaking down…I don’t want to deal with it anymore. And I don’t know how to stop. I feel so out of control. So weak. For eating. For indulging. I don’t know what people see…All I know is I see a giant pig. I feel like a tub of lard. And I am terrified right now. Terrified of my body…But more terrified of the all these feelings and emotions and strings of hatred running through my tired mind…

Someone throw me a life line…

Surrender~

I haven't posted in a while...I am back in school and all the writing I seem to do is for school...blarg.    I am taking a poetry class for my one last required Humanities class and find myself loving it. I am writing poetry left and right...and mostly during wee hours of the morning when I SHOULD be sleeping or in other classes when I SHOULD be listening...oops. But I wanted to share this one with you~ May your paths be easy today, your burden light <3

 

 

Surrender

Feet pounding the pavement, I run for all I’m worth.

(Since that is all I am worth)

 A number, a mileage, a weight on the scale

Be faster, be smarter, be skinnier than a rail.

Smaller than her? Tinnier than that?

All I see staring back at me, all I feel…

Is fat.

This is no laughing matter, it’s no mental trick

I loathe every cell, the sight makes me sick

You told me all I’m worth is the size of my waist

In that case, I’m down for the count, in for the chase.

This is no longer a game, I will win first place in this race.

Mile one flew by, followed by root marker three.

And before she knew it, she was sprinting free

Free from the comments, the pressures, the stares

Throwing all caution to the wind, shrugging off all of her cares

The miles kept on passing, time flying by

Don’t stop now sweet girl, for if you do you might die.

But if you don’t, well then my dear, of this I am certain.

You will not make the final scene, life shall draw the last curtain.

Thus, each day I straddle the imaginary line

Between life, so uncomfortable, and death so divine.

Carry on now brave soldier, keep up the good fight

Your burden is oh so heavy, but His yoke is easy n’ light.

Forgiven is the word tattooed on your wrist

Don’t ever say, “When I’m gone I won’t even be missed.”

Your life is worth something, it was everything to me.

I already paid the price, I died on that tree.

“This isn’t going to be easy, God, I’m scared to death can’t you see!”

“All you can do is your best,” He replies.

“Just let go and trust me.”