ED hates chocolate…Winter…well, if you put anything remotely
resembling dark chocolate covered ANYTHING in front of her, prepare for it to
be consumed like it is going out of style, like it is being discontinued, never
to be found on the shelves again after this sighting. I will devour it. Period.
ED hates me…He hates the fact that I have a sick sweet tooth. That I love to
eat. That I enjoy food. And not just carrots and celery...no FOOD~ Sugary, gooey, chocolate dipped, fat ridden food. I look around at all the women around me and feel such
guilt. Such shame. I hear him telling me that I am the only one who comes back
from a weekend at home with a Costco sized bag of dark chocolate covered
pretzels and devours nearly the entire bag in three days…He tells me that I am
not worthy of wearing the new clothes I bought because I don’t deserve them and
I should starve before I wear anything new. He tells me I should cut myself
because I told myself I wouldn’t eat sweets after getting home and then in moments of intense
weakness I eat them. Lots of them (called ironic processes- the more you try not to think
about the chocolate “hiding” in the cupboard, the more you hear it calling your
name…)
I am tired…sick and tired of this. Of loathing myself. Of
not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. Of wanting to cut my wrists with everything
and anything I find on the sidewalk as I walk to class. Of endless suicidal ideations
running through my racing mind. Yep, I am following somewhat of a meal plan. And
I am STILL eating all this shiz on top of it…and no matter how many times my
dietitian tells me that I am still prolly “hyper-metabolic” ED just screams…YOU
FAT LARD YOU NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT! You are disgusting…
And I am breaking down…I don’t want to deal with it anymore.
And I don’t know how to stop. I feel so out of control. So weak. For eating.
For indulging. I don’t know what people see…All I know is I see a giant pig. I
feel like a tub of lard. And I am terrified right now. Terrified of my body…But
more terrified of the all these feelings and emotions and strings of hatred
running through my tired mind…
Someone throw me a life line…
