New Years 2013~

This year I want to___ ___________fill in the blank.

January 1^st- This seems to be the magical day that apparently begins the year that you will eat healthier, lose x amount of pounds, get in a relationship, END a relationship, be nicer, go to church more, budget your finances, quit smoking, drinking, work harder, BE BETTER and any other New Year’s resolutions that you come up with. I know for me the days after New Years are always annoying…because my gym is packed…and then attendance will wane like it always does… I hate all the pop ups on my Facebook and internet page about dieting and lose this amount of weight this year…Thanks but no thanks. Been there…done that. It didn’t make me a better person. I wasn’t happy. It was miserable. Yet ED is good at making me forget this, the King of Lies. But I am fallibly gullible…I made the foible, the utter mistake of stepping on that DAMN scale after the holidays. Why? I don’t know…I regret it and want to punch myself in the face…However, I will not do that. Just like I will choose not to self-harm over the shock of the number I saw staring back at me. I will not starve myself. I will try to refrain from over exercising. I will hold myself accountable. I told my mom right away. I told people around me that would understand and support me despite this stupid mistake. I tried to be kind to myself. I tried to ask myself what I would tell someone close to me who I cared about what to do in this situation. I breathed and prayed and cried…because though the number is higher than ED thinks it should be…I am alive. I am healthy. I have energy. And that number does not define me. I used to feel like whenever I walked anywhere in my disease, I had a huge sign stating ~ANOREXIC~ pasted to my forehead. Now I just feel like I have that damn number stuck to me…everywhere. Why do I constantly hold myself to this standard when I would NEVER judge or ask anyone what they weighed? IT DOES NOT MATTER TO ME ONE IOTA! So why do I think I should hold myself some unit of measurement that will fluctuate with age, the time of month, year…EVEN DAY! Good Lord. No, this year I choose to focus on how I measure up to God! I choose to weight myself by HIS standards. And that means getting up every morning, building my fire, and letting it blaze for HIM. So that those who hopefully will see the light in my eyes and not the death that was there last year at this time will know that it is because of HIM~ For He who began a good work in us will be faithful to complete it. But I sure as heck can’t complete that life if I am running on empty. And even though I feel like controlling that number will solve all my problems and give me a sense of control, of power, I have to constantly remind myself of how THAT went. No. ED can no longer have that power. GOD has full control of my life now. When I give Him ALL of the parts of me, not just the ones I feel comfortable giving Him, there is success. There is victory in Him. But alone, within my own power, I create disharmony and absolute misery for myself, which then ripples out to my beautiful family.       Last night was a family dinner with my dad for his girlfriend. I didn’t want to go. In fact, I told myself I was not allowed to go. Well, ED told me I couldn’t. Then my little brother (not so little anymore…) called me on his way home from Portland. And he said this to me.

“I CALLED TO BITCH YOU OUT! YOU CAN’T HAVE PLANS TONIGHT! YOU HAVE TO COME WITH ME TO THIS STUPID FAMILY DINNER SO WE CAN SIT THERE AND ENTERTAIN EACH OTHER! YOU MUST COME WITH ME! “

Yaaaaa #sorrynotsorry Im SOOOOOO not going so have fun!

But then I prayed about it. I assessed why I really didn’t want to go. And all the reasons I didn’t want to go were ED related.

F my life I told myself…It is so weird/aggravating/incredibly hard to explain having two sides in your head. If I go, my ED will be super pissed at me. If I don’t go, Winter will feel badly. So I friggin’ went…after much debate and indecision and hemming and hawing and NOT WANTING TO FRIGGIN GO. And yep, I was right…ED was pretty pissed. He just saw that number on the scale going uppppp and upppp and upppp! But ya know what was awesome…My lil brother…his girlfriend…my dad…THEY DON’T FRIGGIN CARE WHAT THE NUMBER ON THE SCALE IS! My lil bro just wanted me there to keep him company. We ended up laughing till our guts hurt…I love him. And I decided ED can’t keep me from my family. EVER AGAIN. Cause I don’t care…well…at least I desperately don’t want to care about that stupid scale…It doesn’t own me. Just like an inanimate object doesn’t care what it weighs. I betcha anything my bed at home….it is not worried about how many pounds or kilograms it weighs. It doesn’t wonder if the comforter I put on it makes its ass look big or if the fitted sheets are making it appear to have a muffin top. If it was rock hard and boney, I would not want to sleep on it. I need my bed to be firm to support me, my back, and joints, but plenty soft and padded to rest on and sink into.

This is my New Year’s resolution: To not care about that insignificant number on the scale. On the treadmill. On the tag on my clothes. How many calories are on my plate. I want to worry about the number of laughs I have in a day, only counting the moments I am able to look back on and think THAT WAS FRIGGIN AWESOME because I listened to God, my family, my friends and someday MYSELF instead of friggin ED! J My goal…not to weigh myself. My physical being. But my spiritual, mental, and emotional self on a weekly basis and make sure I am on track and sustaining myself. Of course, to make sure I am sustaining myself physically as well! But to be kind to myself. To focus on those around me, those I want to help with my degree, those who may be struggling and hurting with their own struggles. A quote I read and stuck with me was this: Be kind to everyone around you for each person is fighting their own battles. Amen and Amen! And can I get an AMEN!? Everyone has their issues, whether it be smoking, drinking, money etc. There are so many stumbling blocks in this world. My goal…this year…to help kick those blocks in the balls, taking the power away from those things!

OWN 2014! FORWARD! Onward! UPWARD!

CHRIST-mas 2013

What is the best Christmas present you have ever received? Like the Grinch from Dr. Seuss’s book, sometimes we learn the best gifts don’t come wrapped in packages, boxes, or bags! Don’t get me wrong…I love giving and receiving Christmas gifts as much as the next 6 year old child (at 21  years old J) I love me some ribbons and bows and I could huff the intoxicating sent of Scotch tape till my brain cells are like Sugar Plum mush… However this year, I have realized that there are three things that I have been gifted that will forever go on my “Naughty and Nice” list for Christmas presents~

1.       The gift of God’s son to this earth~ Jesus Christ. My Father, HE is the best Christmas present I have ever received. His love, grace, and endless mercy is priceless. He calls me by name, He knows my innermost thoughts, He has the days of my life listed, and the hairs on my head counted. He knows all that I have done and before I open my mouth next He knows what I will say. My future is mapped out in the palm of His hand. He loves me so much that He died for me! He has claimed my soul. I am forever His. He paid the greatest expense for my gift…with His blood, sweat, and tears. He did this to buy my life back…to pardon my numerous sins with His unfathomable love. This IS the best gift I have ever possibly been given. The amazing thing? YOU can have it too! Anyone who believes in Him can have eternal life~ He offers this immense gift to us all- Forgiveness, Grace, Peace, Life. You don’t have to pay for shipping and handling, there is no service charge or entrance fee. You don’t have to buy any other silly gizmos or useless extensions or warranties along with it. There is no cash, credit card payments, or checks involved. It is FREE. And it is waiting to be opened and loved on by you and me J

 

2.       Last year at this time, I couldn’t sleep through the night. I was frigid continuously, covered in goose bumps and lanugo, despite wearing layers of clothing under my work uniform. My extremities and lips were a raunchy purple hue. I rode a bicycle to work in 10 degree weather, where every time I bent down to retrieve something, I would see stars, my head swimming.          I couldn’t lift anything heavier than a bottle of soda on the conveyer belt for customers to scan. I was mistaken for a 15 year old at 20 years of age. My treatment team had quit seeing me because I was a liability. My heart rate was at 32 bpm. I was muted. I was disintegrating. I was lifeless. I was a slave to Anorexia. I needed help…again. But after being admitted to an Eating disorder facility both winters before 2013, I refused to go back. Even if it inevitably meant being kicked out of the Sober Living home I was staying in and living on the street.  Then my beautiful souled friend whom I had met in treatment my first visit started talking to me. As a nurse, when she heard about my heart rate and the condition I was in, as well as the sheer mental state I was suffering, she was gravely concerned. This frightened me. It actually caught my attention. I didn’t realize that this was an issue. I was in complete and utter denial, my eye sight completely obscured by ED, unable to see any clear truth. Slowly, through the prayers of many, God began to soften my heart. For three excruciating weeks I sought out Inpatient treatment options near my surrounding area. Each place rejected me due to my unstable EKG and blood work results. I refused to consider the possibility of going back to the same treatment center I had attended the two prior times I was hospitalized. But again, God used their amazing intake coordinator and staff to love on me and change my heart. In January of 2013, I entered the doors of Rosewood Eating Disorder Center in Wickenburg, Arizona for the third (and God willing, LAST) time and began the uphill journey back to life. It was and still is an everyday struggle. Unlike an addiction to drugs or alcohol, abstinence is not recommended for anorexia…that is kinda how I got to treatment in the first place! Instead, they say that food is your medicine- restoring your brain and bodily functions. It is an excruciating, terrifying, and humbling experience. It was also the best thing I have ever done. I met so many amazing people along the way who taught me that getting help does not deem you weak, but instead shows just how dedicated one is to being the best that one can be in life. Those people are survivors. They have waded through the shiz, earning their stripes and stories. I am forever grateful. This year I not only have the gift of recovery, I have the ability to be back in school, studying the very passion of my heart- Psychology- that I hope to use to one day help others on their journey to Recovery- to one day see them open that glorious gift and hold onto it forever. It may sit on a shelf for extended periods of time…collecting dust with seldom use. It may be misused. It may be thrown away. But the beautiful thing? It can be taken down from that shelf. It can be brushed off and be as good as when you first opened it. As I have learned through my interaction with many other fighters, it can be re-gifted, for so many have influenced my healing process in incredible ways. This Christmas, I am so grateful for the gift of Recovery. It is one I hope and pray I will fight to give myself each year!

 

3.       Lastly, I am so grateful for the gift of family, for a Holiday my brothers and I can spend together with our parents. Though our family is dysfunctional, quirky, and wild- I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I am so proud of the fierce woman my mother has become. She is my partner in crime, my gumba, my best friend. She knows me better than any other person on this earth…HECK she squirted me outta her vagina! Come on now! My brothers and their amazing hearts and eclectic personalities~ My father and his kind soul and hard-working drive. I fall in love with their imperfections, not the things they strive to be “perfect” at. I am so grateful they do the same thing for me- for I am greatly flawed! One day, I hope to be able to view myself as “enough” imperfections and all!

 

This year, I want to thank you all for giving me the greatest gift you could possibly give me: The gift of you never ending support, kindness, and love. It is priceless to me. Each and every one of you are a gift to my life each day. I wish you all the best on this CHRIST mas Eve~ Please know that you are loved! May God bless you and keep you~

Winter Grace~

 

Enough~

   I have been trying to reach out to a friend who has been going through relationship problems lately. Most of the time I don’t know whether to try to spew out all the advice I have building up inside of me on his predicament or if I should keep my mouth shut and try to just listen. I straddle that thin line between my co-dependent self wanting desperately to fix it for him and my wise mind knowing that he has to go through this pain by himself…which sucks cause every fiber in me wishes I could take it from him. A lot of the depression-induced thoughts he is having really strike my own heart. Will I ever be able to have a healthy relationship? How can I allow myself to fully trust someone when I have been hurt so many times? What if God wants me to be alone? In hearing his agonized questioning, I had to step back and look at my own heart before I carefully responded to his deep intrigues.

   For many individuals, loneliness is kryptonite. Women have to go to the bathroom in large groups, for Heaven’s sake! In fact, just the other night I walked into a restaurant to meet a date there for dinner. Since I was a tad early, I waited inside at the front for him. The seating hostess asked if I was a party of one and I quickly told her that I was waiting for someone, silently thanking the good Lord that I didn’t have to be there eating alone. Awkward. But why? Why is that awkward? Why is it such an uncomfortable thing to go out to eat by yourself? To take yourself to the movies? Buy yourself flowers? We are meant to be in relationship with one another, but does it always mean that we must be looking for that in a partner? In a dating situation? For me, I don’t think it does. While I hope that God has a man out there for me to settle down with some day, I do not fear being “alone” for the rest of my life. Because I have experienced community and the fulfillment that it brings and I know I will never be truly ALONE. Why? Because 1. I have God, 2. I have family, and 3. I have a slew of other brothers and sisters in Christ to do life with! This has been made very apparent to me throughout this last year going through treatment, school, an amazing baptism, and joining a wonderful church. I no longer have to fear what others think of me. I don’t have to get absurdly nervous before going out on a casual date. (Though trust me…I still do! J ) Why? Because I AM WHAT I AM. If I try to make some man fall in love with the well behaved, put together woman I WISH and could PRETEND to be…he is falling in love with something that isn’t true. And though I may be able to keep the act up for a little while, sooner or later he will find the soot on my cheek and realize I ain’t no Cinderella! Instead, I want to go into the night being totally myself. My quirky, crazy, random, hyper self. I’m gonna order dessert, eat with my hands, tell you about how I love my family, am crazy about God, spend my free time in a library, and listen to Lady Gaga profusely. I’m going to show you the scars from where I trip over myself running, tell you my most embarrassing moment, and explain why I would rather read a book than go out drinking on a Friday night. Chances are I will show up 10 minutes early because I am OCD, have little to no makeup on, and may not be wearing pants cause I hate real clothes…(Don’t worry I will DEFINITELY be wearing bottoms of some sort….GOOD GRIEF!) I will shake my head when you go into rants about how much you work out, I will stop you at crude or racial jokes and rude smirks about someone sitting next to us, and I will cock my head in confusion when you start talking about video games and movies. This will probably drive most dudes away. This may prevent me from ever marrying. And I have accepted that IT’S OK. So to all those SINGLE peeps out there, don’t sweat it. Yes, it always nice to be with someone who tells you how awesome you are or buys you shiz…but the truth is…I have to be able to do that for myself FIRST before any man does that for me. Because otherwise I will just get angry at him, turn mean, green, and bulky and throw things at him like the Hulk. Because I don’t believe it. And no matter how much you try to convince me that I am not an ogre, I will not be able to take that into my speculatory heart without some major self- reconstruction first. And that is where it is up to me. To take time to learn what I actually like, instead of liking whatever THAT guy likes…instead of morphing myself into whatever Bob or Jerry or Tiny Tim want. I want to be what GOD wants. I want to be the daughter He intended me to be. And if that happens to fit into the mold of a relationship with a man, awesome! If not…mmm I might not feel so awesome…but I’ll get over it! Because God has other things planned! For He who has begun a good work in me will be faithful to complete it~ His plans are greater than anything I could ever construct. So here’s to throwin’ my hands up in the air, dancing to the beat of my own drum, enjoying bein’ single, and knowing that a party of ONE is just nifty, as well! Cause no matter what, I’m never ALONE~

This message has been brought to you by:

YOUR CHEEKY MONKEY, WIN J