What is the best Christmas present you have ever received?
Like the Grinch from Dr. Seuss’s book, sometimes we learn the best gifts don’t
come wrapped in packages, boxes, or bags! Don’t get me wrong…I love giving and
receiving Christmas gifts as much as the next 6 year old child (at 21 years old J)
I love me some ribbons and bows and I could huff the intoxicating sent of
Scotch tape till my brain cells are like Sugar Plum mush… However this year, I
have realized that there are three things that I have been gifted that will
forever go on my “Naughty and Nice” list for Christmas presents~
1.
The gift of God’s son to this earth~ Jesus
Christ. My Father, HE is the best Christmas present I have ever received. His
love, grace, and endless mercy is priceless. He calls me by name, He knows my
innermost thoughts, He has the days of my life listed, and the hairs on my head
counted. He knows all that I have done and before I open my mouth next He knows
what I will say. My future is mapped out in the palm of His hand. He loves me
so much that He died for me! He has claimed my soul. I am forever His. He paid
the greatest expense for my gift…with His blood, sweat, and tears. He did this
to buy my life back…to pardon my numerous sins with His unfathomable love. This
IS the best gift I have ever possibly been given. The amazing thing? YOU can
have it too! Anyone who believes in Him can have eternal life~ He offers this
immense gift to us all- Forgiveness, Grace, Peace, Life. You don’t have to pay
for shipping and handling, there is no service charge or entrance fee. You
don’t have to buy any other silly gizmos or useless extensions or warranties
along with it. There is no cash, credit card payments, or checks involved. It
is FREE. And it is waiting to be opened and loved on by you and me J
2.
Last year at this time, I couldn’t sleep through
the night. I was frigid continuously, covered in goose bumps and lanugo,
despite wearing layers of clothing under my work uniform. My extremities and lips
were a raunchy purple hue. I rode a bicycle to work in 10 degree weather, where
every time I bent down to retrieve something, I would see stars, my head
swimming. I couldn’t lift anything heavier than a bottle
of soda on the conveyer belt for customers to scan. I was mistaken for a 15 year
old at 20 years of age. My treatment team had quit seeing me because I was a
liability. My heart rate was at 32 bpm. I was muted. I was disintegrating. I
was lifeless. I was a slave to Anorexia. I needed help…again. But after being
admitted to an Eating disorder facility both winters before 2013, I refused to
go back. Even if it inevitably meant being kicked out of the Sober Living home
I was staying in and living on the street.
Then my beautiful souled friend whom I had met in treatment my first
visit started talking to me. As a nurse, when she heard about my heart rate and
the condition I was in, as well as the sheer mental state I was suffering, she
was gravely concerned. This frightened me. It actually caught my attention. I
didn’t realize that this was an issue. I was in complete and utter denial, my
eye sight completely obscured by ED, unable to see any clear truth. Slowly,
through the prayers of many, God began to soften my heart. For three
excruciating weeks I sought out Inpatient treatment options near my surrounding
area. Each place rejected me due to my unstable EKG and blood work results. I
refused to consider the possibility of going back to the same treatment center
I had attended the two prior times I was hospitalized. But again, God used their
amazing intake coordinator and staff to love on me and change my heart. In
January of 2013, I entered the doors of Rosewood Eating Disorder Center in
Wickenburg, Arizona for the third (and God willing, LAST) time and began the uphill
journey back to life. It was and still is an everyday struggle. Unlike an addiction
to drugs or alcohol, abstinence is not recommended for anorexia…that is kinda
how I got to treatment in the first place! Instead, they say that food is your
medicine- restoring your brain and bodily functions. It is an excruciating,
terrifying, and humbling experience. It was also the best thing I have ever
done. I met so many amazing people along the way who taught me that getting
help does not deem you weak, but instead shows just how dedicated one is to
being the best that one can be in life. Those people are survivors. They have
waded through the shiz, earning their stripes and stories. I am forever
grateful. This year I not only have the gift of recovery, I have the ability to
be back in school, studying the very passion of my heart- Psychology- that I
hope to use to one day help others on their journey to Recovery- to one day see
them open that glorious gift and hold onto it forever. It may sit on a shelf
for extended periods of time…collecting dust with seldom use. It may be misused.
It may be thrown away. But the beautiful thing? It can be taken down from that
shelf. It can be brushed off and be as good as when you first opened it. As I
have learned through my interaction with many other fighters, it can be
re-gifted, for so many have influenced my healing process in incredible ways.
This Christmas, I am so grateful for the gift of Recovery. It is one I hope and
pray I will fight to give myself each year!
3.
Lastly, I am so grateful for the gift of family,
for a Holiday my brothers and I can spend together with our parents. Though our
family is dysfunctional, quirky, and wild- I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I
am so proud of the fierce woman my mother has become. She is my partner in
crime, my gumba, my best friend. She knows me better than any other person on
this earth…HECK she squirted me outta her vagina! Come on now! My brothers and
their amazing hearts and eclectic personalities~ My father and his kind soul
and hard-working drive. I fall in love with their imperfections, not the things
they strive to be “perfect” at. I am so grateful they do the same thing for me-
for I am greatly flawed! One day, I hope to be able to view myself as “enough”
imperfections and all!
This year, I want to thank you all for giving me the
greatest gift you could possibly give me: The gift of you never ending support,
kindness, and love. It is priceless to me. Each and every one of you are a gift
to my life each day. I wish you all the best on this CHRIST mas Eve~ Please know
that you are loved! May God bless you and keep you~
Winter Grace~
