The last two sessions with my therapist have been really eye opening....
I realized that I operate in modes-these modes all relate to one another and operate on a circular track.
There is the eat mode...and not just eat a little...like eat A LOT...like been restricting and gone too long without food and need something NOW really hungry mode that FREAKS me out MODE.
Red Mode.
Then there is the moderate- maintaining mode where I'm comfortable and following my meal plan for the most part and sufficiently feeding myself. Not too hungry, not too full.
Green mode~
Then there is my compensation mode in which either I was JUST in the red zone and now must compensate for a previous slip up- in Ed's mind-
Or, I know an event or dinner is coming up and I'm going to probably eat foods I'm not comfortable with OR GASP perhaps have something OFF my meal plan.
Its like a bank in my mind...I have to make sure I have racked up enough points to "earn" the special event food or whatever. I have to have stuck to my rigid rules, starved myself enough before hand, and had enough activity to compensate for whatever I'm about to "indulge" in. The indulging lasts...seconds....before I am already trying to calculate what I have to do to get rid of it. I can't even enjoy it. I must compensate to make up for the calories I just allowed that I feel unsafe with. Skim here, subtract here, add more physical activity there.
Orange mode-
Then there is my restrictive mode, which is pretty similar to my compensation mode. STRICT adherence to my meal plan- LIMITED EVERYTHING- accept for working out of course...that is as much as I can get away with....
yellow mode~
THEN there is the scary alert zone/mode in which people start saying I look sick and start bugging me about being "too thin." Too thin....this is preposterous to me...I want to look at them and shout...CANT YOU SEE ME?? NO! THIN?? ME!!! NOOOOO! I will always be the fat 12 year old girl I remember..the one that haunts me every fucking day of my life. The only thing I see in the mirror EVERY friggin day. The very thing I run from IS ME. Thus, I don't get this concept of too thin when it comes to me.
Black Mode. Death mode.
It is now the season of fall....which means soon it will be winter. Which means soon the skies will open up and a crap ton of snow will fall on the ground, making it quite difficult to take my strolls in which help give me my mental sanity, at best. FOR YEARS I have struggled with winter. I get super depressed and FREAKED out...because I HAVE TO BE ABLE TO COMPENSATE FOR WHATEVER I PUT INTO MY MOUTH!!!! Thus, the fact that it will soon be "the most wonderful time of year" again soon has been heavy on my heart. Like a crap ton of bricks :/
Lastly, my therapist and I established that I really need a new role model. For years and still to this day, as much as I hate to admit, I STILL use my mother as the barometer of food intake. Of "normal" activity. ED still shouts that daughters are SUPPOSED to be smaller than their mothers....and WOW I SUCK because she is TINY. Me, I more resemble a walrus. Blubbery. *shutter*
Whenever I think about perhaps trying some new food, I think....well....she doesn't eat this. All I grew up knowing was what SHE put in her mouth. I have NOOOOO friggin clue what a normal healthy human woman eats....what is "normal" for a day's worth of food and activity. I just go by what I was shown...ED. Its safe. Its comfortable. Its all I knew. I was taught by the best "Anna" practitioner there was.
CRAP. These three topics, my modes which can be switched at a DROP of a hat...like an on and off light switch, the fact that winter is coming and my one stress release is slipping away like the setting sun, and the fact that I can't eat without seeing my mother's skeletal frame running down the fucking road has all been really affecting me lately. Your prayers would be appreciated. Sigh. I really am messed up....
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Happy friggin' birthday
Ya know the feeling?? That feeling that just won't go away!! It is like the smell of disgusting bacon. The taste of Italian seasoning that lingers on your breathe for hours. A spaghetti sauce stain on a white shirt. You can't get rid of it. It wont go away, no matter how hard you try.
Ya...well that's the feeling I'm dealing with right now. Tension. I could cut it with a knife. It is just lingering in this house. My brother and I don't get along. I try to be nice...I really do. But I just end up saying the wrong thing AGAIN and then its World War III. Its always my fault. I'm always wrong. I'm always the b*$#@ that everyone hates and I should never have come home. This was the gist of the fight we had yesterday. I left the house in tears. I never wanted to come back. I walked...for hours. This is my MO. Sometimes not the best idea...but yesterday. I just needed to. Walk it out. Kick some stones. Curse at the sky. And cry. A good cry is always the best. Draining, but you feel so much better after. Also...talking with my favorite people ever (Brenda and Miles Torres) helps a crap ton. I don't know how they stand me... me and my angsty stories. blah blah blah. Ugh. I'm so undeserving.
But now today is my brother's birthday. 1. I just want to punch him in the face. 2. I was supposed to drive him to the mall today and spend the afternoon following him and his little friends around the mall which, I was actually kind of looking forward to because I could have spent time with him. But after yesterday, ya. He kicked me to the curb, decided he wanted my dad to. whatever. 3. HES GETTING A FRIGGIN BDAY CAKE and ED is already killing me about it. To eat or not to eat? that is the bloody question!
Soooo many thoughts are going through my head. If I eat some, how am I going to get rid of it. I will only eat some if my mom does. What if they say something about me NOT eating it. Maybe I should just not eat all day. OR ever again!!! I don't want to eat cause I feel miserable after everything that was said yesterday anyways. And I don't deserve food. Maybe I will just stuff my face with the goshdamn thing!! kglkdjslksjklfjsdklfjsl
Oh my gosh I hate ED. So ya...at this point, I just want to take the cake and chuck it out the friggin window. THIS would bring me great pleasure. However, my brother would just be even more awkwardly angry at me than before. no bueno.
So what it comes down to is...I pretty much feel like I am a sucky daughter/sister/ PERSON ALL AROUND. I just cant do anything right for anyone. I'm always angry apparently. My answer to that...HECK YES I'M ANGRY. I have to clean up all your friggin messes AND on top of that deal with your CRAPPY attitudes and hear you complain about EVERYTHING in life. ALSO on top of that...I am an adult..who sucks at life and lives at home, has a crappy job that does not even start till Tuesday, is taking two friggin piddly classes at a community college because I dropped out of school last semester due to MY FRIGGIN EATING DISORDER. Yes I'm angry. BUT NOT AT YOU! AT MYSELF. And how gosh dang LAME I am. So sorry that my inward sulkiness is affecting YOU. Shiz.
I am just feeling like I want to get out right now. I don't want to be at home. They don't want me there. I am dispensable. I am just a pain in their kankle. A nuisance.
Yep that's my middle name Winter LAMEEEE NUISANCE GROESCHL. Trust me it is...people call me that behind my back...;)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ok. I need to go....punch...scream.....DANCE IT OUT to Lady GAG now. IF you have any suggestions.....or an alternate living situation idea....LET ME KNOW. You guys are da best. don't know why you read this. Your eyes are probably all burning. I apologize....go soak your corneas. I love ya.
Ya...well that's the feeling I'm dealing with right now. Tension. I could cut it with a knife. It is just lingering in this house. My brother and I don't get along. I try to be nice...I really do. But I just end up saying the wrong thing AGAIN and then its World War III. Its always my fault. I'm always wrong. I'm always the b*$#@ that everyone hates and I should never have come home. This was the gist of the fight we had yesterday. I left the house in tears. I never wanted to come back. I walked...for hours. This is my MO. Sometimes not the best idea...but yesterday. I just needed to. Walk it out. Kick some stones. Curse at the sky. And cry. A good cry is always the best. Draining, but you feel so much better after. Also...talking with my favorite people ever (Brenda and Miles Torres) helps a crap ton. I don't know how they stand me... me and my angsty stories. blah blah blah. Ugh. I'm so undeserving.
But now today is my brother's birthday. 1. I just want to punch him in the face. 2. I was supposed to drive him to the mall today and spend the afternoon following him and his little friends around the mall which, I was actually kind of looking forward to because I could have spent time with him. But after yesterday, ya. He kicked me to the curb, decided he wanted my dad to. whatever. 3. HES GETTING A FRIGGIN BDAY CAKE and ED is already killing me about it. To eat or not to eat? that is the bloody question!
Soooo many thoughts are going through my head. If I eat some, how am I going to get rid of it. I will only eat some if my mom does. What if they say something about me NOT eating it. Maybe I should just not eat all day. OR ever again!!! I don't want to eat cause I feel miserable after everything that was said yesterday anyways. And I don't deserve food. Maybe I will just stuff my face with the goshdamn thing!! kglkdjslksjklfjsdklfjsl
Oh my gosh I hate ED. So ya...at this point, I just want to take the cake and chuck it out the friggin window. THIS would bring me great pleasure. However, my brother would just be even more awkwardly angry at me than before. no bueno.
So what it comes down to is...I pretty much feel like I am a sucky daughter/sister/ PERSON ALL AROUND. I just cant do anything right for anyone. I'm always angry apparently. My answer to that...HECK YES I'M ANGRY. I have to clean up all your friggin messes AND on top of that deal with your CRAPPY attitudes and hear you complain about EVERYTHING in life. ALSO on top of that...I am an adult..who sucks at life and lives at home, has a crappy job that does not even start till Tuesday, is taking two friggin piddly classes at a community college because I dropped out of school last semester due to MY FRIGGIN EATING DISORDER. Yes I'm angry. BUT NOT AT YOU! AT MYSELF. And how gosh dang LAME I am. So sorry that my inward sulkiness is affecting YOU. Shiz.
I am just feeling like I want to get out right now. I don't want to be at home. They don't want me there. I am dispensable. I am just a pain in their kankle. A nuisance.
Yep that's my middle name Winter LAMEEEE NUISANCE GROESCHL. Trust me it is...people call me that behind my back...;)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ok. I need to go....punch...scream.....DANCE IT OUT to Lady GAG now. IF you have any suggestions.....or an alternate living situation idea....LET ME KNOW. You guys are da best. don't know why you read this. Your eyes are probably all burning. I apologize....go soak your corneas. I love ya.
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