Ya know the feeling?? That feeling that just won't go away!! It is like the smell of disgusting bacon. The taste of Italian seasoning that lingers on your breathe for hours. A spaghetti sauce stain on a white shirt. You can't get rid of it. It wont go away, no matter how hard you try.
Ya...well that's the feeling I'm dealing with right now. Tension. I could cut it with a knife. It is just lingering in this house. My brother and I don't get along. I try to be nice...I really do. But I just end up saying the wrong thing AGAIN and then its World War III. Its always my fault. I'm always wrong. I'm always the b*$#@ that everyone hates and I should never have come home. This was the gist of the fight we had yesterday. I left the house in tears. I never wanted to come back. I walked...for hours. This is my MO. Sometimes not the best idea...but yesterday. I just needed to. Walk it out. Kick some stones. Curse at the sky. And cry. A good cry is always the best. Draining, but you feel so much better after. Also...talking with my favorite people ever (Brenda and Miles Torres) helps a crap ton. I don't know how they stand me... me and my angsty stories. blah blah blah. Ugh. I'm so undeserving.
But now today is my brother's birthday. 1. I just want to punch him in the face. 2. I was supposed to drive him to the mall today and spend the afternoon following him and his little friends around the mall which, I was actually kind of looking forward to because I could have spent time with him. But after yesterday, ya. He kicked me to the curb, decided he wanted my dad to. whatever. 3. HES GETTING A FRIGGIN BDAY CAKE and ED is already killing me about it. To eat or not to eat? that is the bloody question!
Soooo many thoughts are going through my head. If I eat some, how am I going to get rid of it. I will only eat some if my mom does. What if they say something about me NOT eating it. Maybe I should just not eat all day. OR ever again!!! I don't want to eat cause I feel miserable after everything that was said yesterday anyways. And I don't deserve food. Maybe I will just stuff my face with the goshdamn thing!! kglkdjslksjklfjsdklfjsl
Oh my gosh I hate ED. So ya...at this point, I just want to take the cake and chuck it out the friggin window. THIS would bring me great pleasure. However, my brother would just be even more awkwardly angry at me than before. no bueno.
So what it comes down to is...I pretty much feel like I am a sucky daughter/sister/ PERSON ALL AROUND. I just cant do anything right for anyone. I'm always angry apparently. My answer to that...HECK YES I'M ANGRY. I have to clean up all your friggin messes AND on top of that deal with your CRAPPY attitudes and hear you complain about EVERYTHING in life. ALSO on top of that...I am an adult..who sucks at life and lives at home, has a crappy job that does not even start till Tuesday, is taking two friggin piddly classes at a community college because I dropped out of school last semester due to MY FRIGGIN EATING DISORDER. Yes I'm angry. BUT NOT AT YOU! AT MYSELF. And how gosh dang LAME I am. So sorry that my inward sulkiness is affecting YOU. Shiz.
I am just feeling like I want to get out right now. I don't want to be at home. They don't want me there. I am dispensable. I am just a pain in their kankle. A nuisance.
Yep that's my middle name Winter LAMEEEE NUISANCE GROESCHL. Trust me it is...people call me that behind my back...;)
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ok. I need to go....punch...scream.....DANCE IT OUT to Lady GAG now. IF you have any suggestions.....or an alternate living situation idea....LET ME KNOW. You guys are da best. don't know why you read this. Your eyes are probably all burning. I apologize....go soak your corneas. I love ya.
