Letter to Body~

Dear body:

I wish I could say I like you…even accept you. I wish I could recall all the things you do for me instantly, trust you without hesitation. But the truth is, we have major relational issues. In the past, you have been used, violated, and disrespected by myself and others. I am sorry I didn’t protect you, that I disregarded all your needs and wants and instead threw you around like a rag doll, placing shame, guilt, and regret onto you. Your outer being emitted that very essence of my soul: self-consciousness, fear, and vulnerability. Which was time and time again taken advantage of. I still believe this was my fault. I feel I deserved it. I allowed it to happen, somehow asked for it. The only way I knew how to alleviate the nauseating feelings of disgust, the memories of hands on me, the things I have done…was to RUN. To shrink away from myself and others…literally. To retreat back to skin and bone, because that is all I deserved. All I knew.

I ran you into the ground, I starved you. I sucked the life from your veins and robbed you of all pleasure, joy, and nurturing. Yo9u were my slave, and I your driving task master. I wanted you to be perfect, immaculate from all you did to how you looked. Never again would I ever hear the word ‘fat’ used in reference to you, though this one word I utter to myself every breathe I allow to fill my lungs.

You are my vehicle to explore life, my vessel in which to store all the beauties in life, the shells that inhabits my soul. Yet you are my worst enemy, my greatest fear, and my darkest battleground. However, if I continue to engage in this fight, I will fail. I am not stronger than this disease. If is cunning, baffling, and powerful. So now I must raise my white flag. I give up. I can’t destroy and degrade you any longer. I admit defeat. I surrender. I wanted to capture beauty, but failed to see the beauty within. I wanted to find safety, but I landed myself in Hell. I long to allow human touch and affection in without grimacing at the terror that you will hurt me…again. I expect it now and shutter at the reverberating question that ruminates in my soul. “What are they thinking of me? What have I done? What will be done to me?” But to be honest, I’m too tired of caring. What others think of me is none of my business. They know my name, they know my story. At the end of the day, it comes down solely to me and God. He doesn’t make mistakes, or so I have been told. So I now apologize- for the mistakes I have made. How I have treated you. What I have allowed to happen to you-the pain I have inflicted onto you. I thank you for putting up with my demands and for never giving out on me. I hope you will accept my demands so we can rebuild this relationship. I know you are unsure and frightened. I am scared too~ so we will begin with baby steps. “Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.”

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Your scars tell a story. Your arms embrace life; your hands allow others to reach out to you for help. Your smile can change your perception, and your feet can carry you on this journey, no matter how strenuous, how rocky, how tedious or painful. I won’t give up on you. I won’t give up on us. We are in this together. May God protect us as we trudge this road of happy destiny. One day at a time.

Sincerely~

W.G

Tissue Paper

Wondrously opaque~ Gifts inside
covering up the surprise.
Gorgeous, lovely presentation to the viewers eye.
Wrinkled and fake, torn with the fringes hidden,
wrenched out of the way to get to the treasure
All happened so sudden.
Overuse has made it withered
It's forgotten its value,its purpose
to bring joy, love, compassion.
But this life has lots its season
This desire has lost its reason.
Misuse has left this one abused
Self mutilated, perceptions skewed.
Standing tall, so strong and capable.
Face made of stone, stoic and able.
Till you draw near and examine up close
Exposing the optical illusion
discovering its footing is loose.
Putting up a good front,
shriveling from within.
Don't poke, don't prod
for my walls are but
tissue paper thin.

The Journey

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.

~ Mary Oliver ~

How to make poor choices~

1. Don't think before you speak.
2. Impulsivity is your best friend.
3. Don't ask ANYONE for their input. Assume that you know what is best.
4. Don't ask clarifying question.
5. If there is a dark, creepy alleyway...definitely walk down it.
6. If a creeper asks you for your phone number in line at CVS, give it to him.
7. If Simon says ------
8. Don't read the directions.
9. Don't touch! TOUCH IT
10. Go shopping alone and spend your entire paycheck.
11. Red means GO- Stop signs are just a suggestion.
12. If your nervous to tell someone about a choice you are making, its probably the wrong one.
13. Be by yourself...all the time.
14. Tell your life story and talk about all your past relationships on the 1st date.
15. Cut your hair.
16. Take in a stray cat.
17. Don't bring a sweater.
18. Get a tattoo or piercing when under the influence...or from a man in a windowless, white van.  (Ready for this! BRIDESMAIDS QUOTE!)

Brynn:Guess what happened to me today?

Annie:Mmm... what?

Brynn:I got a free tattoo. I could not believe it. The guy said, "do you want a tattoo?", opened up the side of his van...

Annie:Noooo...

Brynn:...and said "it's for free!" So I said, "sure."

 

19. Let your friend dye your hair.

20. Don't study for that pop quiz.

21. When your drunk, call your ex. Who is already on speedial.

22. But a pint of Ice cream and swear only to eat half.

23. Go spray tanning.

24. Call your father.

25. Mess around with another girl's boyfriend.

26. Go through your boyfriend's phone...texts (in order from previous to oldest)

27. Don't listen to Sirie.

28. Seek out all possible sugar daddy's on Match.com

29. Hair extensions...Grow a rat tail. Shave your eyebrows.

30. Brazilian bikini wax at home anyone?

31. Conveniently forget your sunscreen at home~ And peel off your burnt, peeling skin before beach visit number 2. You'll feel great in the morning.

32. Sit next to the homeless man on the bus. Proceed by licking the bus handle.

33. Sit next to the crying baby on your Southwest flight.

34. Eat the deli meat that's been in the hot car for hours.

35. Curdled cream. Tastes fine? Eh, I'm gonna drink it.

36. Text while driving. Preferably during rush hour...or in the presence of a cop.

37. Dawn in the dishwasher.

38. Toothpaste, deodorant, and Depends are not mandatory. To save money, make sure to leave your tampon in for as long as possible. Toxic shock isn't as bad as it sounds.

39. Rationalization, justification, and minimization are your three best friends.

40. Keep secrets...Don't ask for help. Cause lets be honest, nobody...I repeat, NOBODY is trustworthy.

 

 

 

 

The frenemy~

"The best thing a girl can be in the modern world is a tough warrior. A smart cookie. An empathizer. A pirate. A time-traveler. A sweet nurturer. A rebel. A hard worker. A unicorn. Not a freakin' fool who is totes pretty"~
- The Frenemy

Sunburn and co-dependency~

People should come with a warning label...CAUTION: Flammable when hot. May cause a burning sensation.*
I love people...period. Some would call me...co-dependent. I call it...deeply caring for mankind. Who am I kidding? I would take a bullet for another person. I'd give my last crust of bread to a fellow in need. "If your friends all jumped off of a bridge, would you?"
Yes...I would.
I went to the beach two days in a row and laid out with friends...and of course conveniently left my sunscreen at home. And as a consequence, got sun burnt. Surprise!
After a sleepless night, due in part to a conflict with my roommate and also to sun burnt armpits (yes, even my armpits were burnt) I came to the realization...co-dependency is synonymous to sunburn.

1.If you don't wear sunscreen, you gonna get fried!
 *If you remain in a poor relationship too long and do not use appropriate boundaries, you will get burned.*

2. Repeated burns from the sun will cause melanoma
 *Abusive relationships (whether it be physical, emotional, or sexual) create long-lasting consequences.*

3. Working rigorously in the sun too long WILL make you sick and tired.
 *Toxic people infiltrate your mind and cause you pain. Doing everything for them, all the time, disregarding your own needs and wants will slowly kill you.*

4. After realizing the extent of the sun damage, you must apply aloe vera continuously. Every hour on the hour. And in order to treat your sun burnt back, you are going to have to ask for help. Which is weird and awkward. Because who wants to ask someone to smother you in lotion? Not me...But in order to prevent peeling and momentarily feel relief from the flames your body is surely emitting...it must be done.
 *After taking care of others for so long and catering to their needs only, it is hard to break out of this cycle. One must practice taking care of their own needs continually. It will be hard and you will feel selfish.*

 5. Wishing you HAD worn sunscreen wont change the fact that you are sun burnt
 *Worrying profusely about others, trying to control them and give them unwarranted advice, losing sleep over their problems, and wishing you could fix everything for them and comparing what you should have said or did with what you did say or do will not create world peace.

6. As your sunburn begins to fade, your skin will shed away the dead flesh you burnt the shiz out of...Its gross and flaky...but hey, progress! Not perfection!!!!)
*As you start to heal and take care of yourself first, and then others (in a non codependent way) the layers of your true self will begin to become exposed.

So take it from me...Whether you are hitting the beach with a friend...or worrying constantly about them...use sunscreen...and your voice...Set up an umbrella...and boundaries. Bring water to quench your thirst, and take (YOU) time to satiate your needs as well.
And with that, my friends, I'm off to bathe myself in aloe...
Deuces~
Winter Grace

In the arms of the ocean~

Got up early this morning~ The house was quiet as I silently left for my morning A.A. meeting.
Sunday mornings are my favorite...
I am filled with gratitude today. Grateful to be here, amazed at how immense His love is for me, despite all I have done and the hardships I have trudged through this last week. When I trust Him, and let go, I feel free. And it is so relieving to know that He has a plan~ When I advocate for myself, for my life, all falls into place. How great is our God?
It's always darkest before the dawn. The A.A message was on impermanence. How feelings come and go. This too shall pass~ Like waves in the ocean. The tide ebbs and flows.
My friend and I went to the beach today. I love the ocean. Starbucks in hand, bearing books to read- I am content. Thoughts still convulse in my head~ Especially with body image and having to wear a swimsuit...in public. But surrounded by the sand, the sun, the sound of the ocean, the smell of sunscreen, the laughter of innocent children playing in the sand, and the company of a good friend, I feel at ease. I bare myself and feel free. Free with showing my scars, love handles, imperfections and all to the world. For this is me. And the ocean is the one place I can lose and find myself all at the same time. Like a two-sided boom-a-rang. I toss out my doubts and negativity, only to receive back compassion and hope, riding on the backs of the mystical, blue waves.
Because we all have a story. Each of our bodies, different in their own ways, are our own story books. Our shells disclose where we have been and what we have gone through. Not one is worth more than the other. We are more than our appearances, for our vessels encase our most genuine and beautiful attribute of all, our souls.
How will I be remembered when this life is passed? Not prematurely by my disease of Ana, but when God's perfectly planned out days come to a close. What will be said of me then? The legacy I have left. Will it be that I was a kind, compassionate, quiet woman? Or will it be said of me that I was a warrior. A soldier of that which is right. An honest, outspoken advocate for HEALTH, healing, and hope.
Nothing lasts forever. In the blink of an eye, all could be over. We never know. I say this not to be morbid, not to dwell on an end...But to remind myself of my primary purpose on this earth. To serve-the encourage. To live, breathe, and sleep love, kindness, gentleness, patience, and self control. To immerse myself in all things true, and to reach out to those no one else bothers to engage. To be salt to the world and light to the earth. To live my life to the fullest, as His fearless fighter.

THIRD STEP PRAYER:

 God, I offer myself to Thee- 
To build with me
and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self,
that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties,
that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help of Thy Power,
Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always~

  http://youtu.be/zMBTvuUlm98

When life hands you...oranges?

All of life is like an orange. Squeeze an orange and you don’t get milk, or coffee, or coke. You get orange juice, regardless of which hand or machine squeezes that orange. Why? Because only that which is inside comes out, nothing else. So what about you? When money or work or relationship wrings you dry and squeezes you tight, what comes out? Anxiety? Frustration? Jealousy? Or do love, joy and peace come out? The next time you’re squeezed, don’t blame the hand doing the squeezing; instead notice what comes out and set about changing what’s inside.
-Ted Dekker

The struggle

Flesh, flab, fat
What are they looking at?
I think I can, I think I might
Have the wish I wish tonight.
The desire to, to be thin.
To be empy from within.
Get away. Let me be.
No come back, come save me.

I hate all that I have become.
Every instance, situation, everything I have done.
Body, I hate you for betraying me.
I hate you for the monster I now see.
I hate breathing and living in THIS
I wish it would take me with one swift, final kiss.
To feel the pain and see the bone.
No emotions, a facade made of stone.
Run, run far away from me.
No please wait.
Look but don't.
Don't see
Me~

Indiana Jones

  
   Last night in process group at IOP, a gentleman shared a glimpse of his perspective with us on recovery~ For me, not only could it relate to recovery, but any decision going on in every day life that requires trust, faith and courage~
He and his friend were walking down the street when they encountered his friend's daughter- an addict, homeless, and hopeless consuming her first meal of the day, gummy worms, in the heat of the late afternoon. Her mother, understanding all that entails, suggested she go to the hospital and ask for help, knowing they would take her in immediately and help her get well. Her daughter replied, "It's just not that simple."   From an outsider’s perspective, it IS just that simple mechanically. And it can be very frustrating for the person watching us going through our struggles (eating disorder, alcohol, gambling, relationships, drugs etc.) when we do not accept their advice.

   But to the inward self conflicted with addiction, this concept is much easier said than done. As much as we wish desperately that we could ‘just stop,’ IT has become the only way we know how to survive. We are stuck between a rock and a hard place. We logically  understand we will die if we keep doing what we are doing, but we feel that if we cease our behaviors...we will die. Damned if we do, damned if we don't. Thus, our first step towards seeking recovery and trying to take the steps necessary towards helps is like this scene from the third movie in the Indiana Jones series. He is trying to retrieve the Holy Grail and before him is a massive precipice, deterring him from his goal- this prized possession. To the viewers eye, we can see the path laid out before him and know it is safe to step out. But to Mr. Jones, it looks unfathomable. It would seem to him that if he steps off this cliff into the chasm, he will plunge to his death. Yet, he knows he must trust that to successfully get to the other side, he must take that first leap of faith.
   This step of faith is all too familiar to us humans we venture out into life and live each day, beginning our journey EVERY morning striving towards our goal~ the Holy grail of LIFE, This life we hear is promised with sobriety and serenity. This life we read in books and is described to us by our sponsor and friends who have trudged this road before us. The choice then becomes ours to take in EVERY situation we face in life. Will we take the leap of faith and trust there is an outside force protecting our well-being? Will we stay stagnant, paralyzed by our fear of change, unable to move, until we are finally caught by our fast-approaching demons and slaughtered? Or will we stop abruptly, turn around, and cower in our corner and hide? Staying captive to our greatest fears.
   Today, I choose to face the fear. Life…trust me it is not all rainbows and butterflies. But it is better than death. And my worst day in recovery is still better than my best day in my addictions.

~Journey on, brave one. There will be solice in the end.


 

 

 

Mother's Day~

This morning during my daily A.A. meeting, the speaker was talking about fear, doubt, and resentment. Another woman shared on her study of the Four Agreements~
"Be Impeccable With Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love."
I began reflecting upon how I speak to myself. And it struck me how cruel I am. How perturbing my dialogue truly is to my inner child. I thought about how I would speak to a little girl, my own child-thank God I don't have mini Me's running around the world :O But if I did, how would I treat her? The same way I treat myself? Calling her fat, worthless, disgusting, and broken. Would I tell her she was a mistake and a failure and that she won't be able to do anything right in life?
The thought made me queasy. That is not how my mother treated me, and I HOPE and pray to God that no child has to hear those words come out of ANY ONES mouth, especially their own mothers!
I would treat my child with unconditional love and understanding~ I would hold her and wipe her tears away, comfort her when she was fearful, and whisper how much I loved her.
Is that how I am treating myself? Um...not even close. But it definitely made me think. We accept the love we feel we deserve. We treat people how to treat us. We get back what we put out into the world. What am I putting out? A mousy, victimized aura? Or a strength and courageousness that could only come from one place: My higher power~

Happy mother's day to all the mom's. And to my belly button mom who loves me unconditionally and has supported me through thick and thin~ I would not be where I am today without all of you~ <3

Ten Warning Signs

My avid yet futile search for a job finally provided me with an interview this morning. I finally received a phone call on Friday afternoon which I quickly answered even though I was in programming. (Bad llama.) I was so enthused to hear that a place wanted me to come in for an interview! I absent mindedly wrote down their phone number and address on my hand. Then I was swept away to more groups about feeling feelings and handeling emotions and kicking ED in the face yadda yadda yadda. By the end of the day I got home and remembered, "OH YA! I need to google where this place is!" And then I realized...
1. That all I knew about it. It was a place...that I had applied to. That wanted to interview me. For the job that I apparently had applied for. At this place. THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE IT IS OR HOW I PERTAIN TO IT. shiz.
2. I had washed my hands and completely removed all evidence of the number and address that was written on me prior to this moment.
3. Um...ya...about this job business...Really? *Inward Grown*
It is funny...I have been working since ten years old and LOVED making my own money. And everyone told me...oooo dont worry about work right now! And now people are telling me, YOU NEED TO FIND A JOB and I'm feelin' like...ya know I really like this time...this open space of nothingness that I am filling with things that I love. Like writing. And seeing friends. The ocean. Shopping. Being FREE to find me and get to know Winter. With all this t.i.m.e.
Time that will now be robbed by being enslaved to a desk.. To make money. Which will be spent on medical bills and rent and gasp...FOOD. Ugh. Why can I not have a money tree? Or instead of raining men, maybe it could just rain money?

But I digress. I come back to reality and grab my phone and locate the number that called me earlier that day and hit redial. Thank God for redial. Shiz. They are closed. So I jot down the info from their answering machine (which turned out to be um...WRONG and out-of-date) and dont think about it 'till Monday moring. Ok. I lie. I thought about it (actually dreaded it) all weekend...but ya know...denial is my middle name. Or a river in Egypt... I forget. So I get up this morning and pull on a skirt and try to look somewhat put together and wait for my friend to pick me up with the little guy she nannies for. I get into the car and begin to harness my inner mermaid as we sing "Part of That World." We pull up to the address I re-checked at 8am (opening) and low and behold~ THERE SHE BLOWS!~
But no seriously..it really blew.

****TEN WARNING SIGNS YOU SHOULDN'T WORK SOMEWHERE...LET ALONE PROLLY SET FOOT INTO THIS PLACE~*****
1. Green awnings....with big,white,awkward writing...and row upon row....of flashlights, lightbulbs, strobe lights...and all things "glowy" being sold inside by
2. Middle Eastern men. (NO. STOP. I'm NOT being racist here) but I'm pretty sure they had pictures of Saddam Hussein on the walls in their office....or Allah. Couldn't tell the difference. On the flip side...At least I would be required to stop 5 times a day to pray to Allah so I would definitely be able to get my snacks in to meet my meal plan requirements....kiddingggg kidding....:)
3. Does this mean I get to travel to Afghanistan/Pakistan/Iran/Iraq for the Christmas party?! Will their be a white elephant gift swap, I wonder? Will I GET an elephant!!! hmmm...note to self...DO NOT, I REPEAT~ DO NOT...fly there...travel separately...check.
4. I couldn't understand a word the dude who interviewed me said...Didn't even catch his name. Fail.
However, I could probably get away with answering the phone by saying,
"BUDDY THE ELF! WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?" every day and he wouldn't even know!
5. Dark cluttered messy desks. Panic attack just waiting to happen.
6. No benefits. 8-5 desk job. Minimum wage.
7. A teeny-tiny, yippy dog attacking my non-pants protected gams....I hate skirts...and small animals with claws upon bare legs.
8. "Are you afraid of dog?" Afghani man asks.
"No, not at all!" I reply as I try to shake the mangy mutt off my leg. Lying....
"What is his name?" I ask.
"Oliver," man grunts.
"Oh, so cute! My grandma has a Goldendoodle named Ollie!"
I think the man responded with "Dog's are smarrrrt." But he also could have said, "You smell like fart." so I am not positive....Like I said...thick accent....:/
9. Pretty sure it smelled like fart.
10. Seven minute interview...it took longer for me to brush my teeth and pull on the skirt in preparation for the interview than the actual commencement itself.

And that's the Dog'on truth!! ;)
Over n' out!
Winter G~

Love will always win~

     It is an overcast, windy morning today in California. And though the sun may not be peeking it's head out, it cannot stop the joy and gratitude I have flowing through my heart. As I sit reading my morning meditations on recovery, the May 5th reflection is perfect for what I am feeling and thinking~ Words from God to me on a page...He never ceases to amaze me.
     "Because we only strive for perfection, we recognize nothing less. We block our awareness of the ordinary successes that our our again and again. Thus, the serenity the program promises us eludes us. But we ARE succeeding. Each that that we are abstinent, we succeed. Many of us are taught that success only came in certain shapes and sizes. And we felt like failures. We need NEW definitions. It is time to discard these old definitions and embrace the new ones the program offers us."head.
     So often I get stuck on ruminating over my mistakes and character defects. The horrible conversation I just had with my dad. My financial insecurity and the stress of trying to make ends meet. The endless process of searching for employment. Body image. The millions of voices connected to all my "isms" running rampant in my crazy head. My brothers' struggles. What so and so are thinking of me. I want so much to own this place on earth that God has given me. To stand my ground, speak my truth, and release all fear and live boldly.
Yet, I feel so defeated when all my insecurities creep into the pores of my being and saturate my soul. cloud my vision. And control my actions and my day. But today this reading spoke to me and pulled the tape off of my mouth. I don't need a significant accomplishment to celebrate. I dont have to do anything spectacular. I get so stuck on being a human doing instead of a human BEING.
This morning I looked back at the small, yet monumental victories I had and realized they just happened. I didn't have to do anything to feel the sunshine on a warm day.The collectiveness of an A.A. meeting in which I was able to sit still in perfect serenity for 10 WHOLE minutes of mediation and not squirm around like a three year old ruminating on 101 things going on in my life or what I needed to do that day. A day by myself at the ocean, just sitting in the water and feeling the strength of the waves carry me away. Flying down the street on a road bike and having the strength and stamina I didn't have while under the tyranny of Ana. A call from a good friend. Plucking eyebrows (a talent of mine!) Holding a baby. A cup of decaf coffee. Talking to my little brother. The blessing of waking up every morning with gratitude. The ability to just be me and to laugh...and to cry. To speak my mind. To allow others in. To get hurt and to learn. To not wear makeup. To dress up for no reason. To be terrified yet peaceful at the same time. Because in just being, God will work all things out. 

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace,                                       that where there is hatred, I may bring love;
                         that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;

                             that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
                                  that where there is error, I may bring truth;
                                  that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
                                 that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
                                that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
                                that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
                 Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;
                                           to understand, than to be understood;
                                                 to love, than to be loved.
                                      For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
                                          It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
                                It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.

Namaste~