I once had a dream...
That I was a slave to life itself. That I could not step outside without worrying about being seen by those around me who pleaded with me to stop the way I was living. I was constantly tired. No amount of sleep could remove the bags from my eyes and the exhaustion from my eyes. Each day felt like a horror movie placed on repeat. I woke up dreading the day before me, crippled with anxiety, just trying to make it through the hours until I get fall fitfully into a surface haze of sleep.
I was on the verge of being kicked out of my sober living home because I had relapsed on my eating disorder. Everyone looked at me with concern in their eyes, a grimace on their face.
I once had a dream that I was in living hell where I lived like this for YEARS...
I wish I could tell you I woke up from this bad dream. That everything is different now. That the voices don't plague me, the anxiety doesn't exist any longer. Instead of waking up to a complete and total transformation, each day I must change the dream I am living in. I must continuously fight the battle in my head and my natural desire to want to hurt myself.
I can tell you that my life is so different today~ It looks, feels, tastes different. As I was walking outside yesterday, I was struck HARD with a bus....
OK not a literal bus (did I scare you?? :P ) No, with a GOD bus! With a Happy Yellow-how thankful I am that my life has turned 180 degrees- BUS!
I am so thankful for all my friends and family who have stuck by me and love me with a love I cannot comprehend~ My family is lop-sided, quirky, and dysfunctional. But they are MY family. And I love them for that. Especially my best friend, my panda, my baby girl: My mom, Brenda Jane Fierce, who is the reason I breathe some days. "Sisters, sisters-Their were never such devoted sisters!" *LOVE
For the opportunity to be back at school studying what I love. Yes, it is stressful and sometimes I want to junk punch it all in the face and finally accept that I should just work at McDonalds forever. And then I giggle and put the pen to paper and push on. McDonalds my arse! I'll show you!!!
For the ability to run without shame, without fear of being seen by people who will yell at me (though they didn't ever yell they were just concerned:(. I am so thankful I don't have to hide constantly. NOW I can run without the shame of knowing that I am hurting my body. I am no longer a slave to it, but rather run on sheer passion and exuberance for the energy I have been given to live life again.
MOST of all, I am thankful for God's gift of His grace, His never ending patience. Because I am one silly, stubborn nifkin who likes to screw things up...ALOT. I always think I can do it MY way. False. When will I learn this? No idea. But thank God I have a Heavenly Father who doesn't require me to pass some test, who holds me to a certain GPA, a bill I have to pay each month for my salvation, a certain number of hours I have to work, a number I must weigh, a size I must fit- an empty shell I must be. No. He wants me to be my weird, crazy, Winter self. I don't know why. I don't understand why He loves THIS. But I can feel Him. And I know in some way (though sometimes Satan tries to convince me otherwise) HE DOES LOVE ME. For when I look back at where I was last year, where I have been, and what my life is like today...I see His love~ And it is astounding to me. I am blessed. And I want YOU all to know what a joy you are to this world. Even when you don't feel like it, YOU ARE. Simply because you breathe. This is a truth I am trying to learn each day, slowly. And though life seems impossibly insurmountable at times and I would rather crawl through crushed glass, I simple remember- He dies for US. He hasn't dropped me on my head yet...:)
Happy Thanksgiving to all! Know that I am so Thankful for YOU~ Gobble gobble!
