When peace like a river...

Usually I dislike Sundays…not the day themselves but the feeling that is associated with it.

The dreadful feeling that the weekend is over and it is back to reality. The calm before the Monday.

This semester, Sunday’s have been especially rough, usually punctuated  by having to drive back from my hometown in Coeur d Alene where I spent the majority of my weekends with my second family (sometimes my first, too) to the dirty Scow. I just drag my feet… a lot… on Sundays. On the seventh day, God rested. Well, I just bitch and moan. :/

Today was different. This Sunday I don’t have that retched feeling in my gut. This week is my last week on undergraduate classes. In two weeks, I will be graduated. It seems like yesterday my second mom, Julie, was hugging me as I complained (like I usually do) about having to go back for my last semester at school.

“It will go so fast,” she said! “Soon you will be done!”

She was right. The time HAS flown past. It has also crawled ridiculously slowly. It has been out of control crazy busy. It’s also been a slow, painful crawl to the finish line. And today, after a crazy Friday and Saturday, I took some self-care me time and biked to Washington, I ride that I have done often. But this time, I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace, one I don’t feel often. I can probably count on one hand how many ‘peaceful’ moments I have had throughout this Senior year. This afternoon was one of them.

While I have learned a lot about psychology, theories, scholastic facts etc. at school, I feel the most important thing I have learned here at the U of I was about myself. How I handle stress (not gracefully) relationships (ugh..I suck) and just LIFE (well…I am still figuring it out.) A degree doesn’t prove how smart you are, how ready you are in the real world, how established you are in your life…well at least for me it doesn’t. This degree signified fight. Determination. A lot of blood, sweat, and tears. But it also was underlined in surrender. To a greater idea that I didn’t have any insight on. Faith. And I am NOT good with not being ‘in the know,’ so there was a lot of second guessing, panic, and unease. There still will be. That’s life. However, all I have is today, and I just keep trying to make the most of each minute I am given.

This weekend began with “Artibility” an event put on by adults with learning disabilities who were given the chance to be funded by a grant through the university to let out their creativity through sculpture, painting, drawing etc. They had been working on their creations all semester, and the end result was marvelous. Though it may have seemed like a hodge podge of color and lines and mess, it was beauty to everyone who witnessed the end product. Especially the Creator themselves.

Friday night I was kidnapped by my roomie and her boyfriend to go see Avengers. Which was sold out. SO then we tooled around WSU and saw little baby bears and awesome cars and listened to “Animal” by Maroon 5 and laughed our guts out. Then I got to listen to Jazz music and sip wine with my amazing friend Lisa who has gotten me through so much of this past Senior year. God knew exactly what I needed when He put us in the same class togetherJ

Saturday I strolled around the arboretum, meandered the Farmer’s Market and tried on silly clothes with my friend David, hit the Renaissance fair, and then day drank at the Brew Fest (the best!) where I ran into two people I adore, Sarah and Hannah. Sarah can make me laugh like none other, no matter how much time has passed since we’ve seen one another. Hannah brought me to tears in the best possible way.

Got to watch some of the boxing fight with good ole Zack and then dinner and karaoke with my girl Kelsey. Slept in this morning, watched the beautiful Kelsey in her dance recital, did some chores around the apartment, and then took myself on a long bike ride in the sun.

Usually my head swarms with negative thoughts about myself, especially my body. But today, in shorts and a tank top, I just rode. Just me and music and the Palouse. And when my head is finally silent, God reminds me that I am not a failure, that He has a plan, and that all is well. To be calm. And to trust Him.

When I got back, I called my grandparents who I never talk to enough. And because of who I am, I expect to be reprimanded for not calling more often, yelled at for not checking in. You know what they say…every time?

‘WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU!!!’

I never heard this growing up. Hearing it now brings me to my knees. What an amazing example of unconditional love. No matter how long we go without talking, they never fail to just shower me with their love and support. And I could not be more grateful.

That is what is in my heart today, after an incredible weekend. Gratitude. No, I am not a size two. I am far from OK with my body. However, I had the energy to run around all weekend, the ability to hug those I haven’t seen in forever and truly enjoy myself. Yeah it’s uncomfortable. It is hard as hell. But it’s worth it. Life is amazing if you allow yourself to stop and enjoy it. I am so glad for those moments that God has let me experience, days like today and this past weekend. And I am so grateful for those of you who have been such supports to me on my journey and who I know will continue to do so as I head into the next stage of my career and life.  I cannot thank you enough for that. Some may look down on social media, say it is a waste of time. Sure it probably is. I spend way too much time on it. But it also gives me the opportunity to access and stay in touch with the people I adore in life. No matter how far away we are or how long we have gone without talking.

As I think about leaving Moscow, I get really sad. Which is crazy because it is such a little shit hole! But I LOVE this little shit hole and it has a piece of my heart. The only thing I ever wanted, my only goal in coming to school here, was to grow and to touch people’s lives. I hope that when I leave after my four years here that I can say that my smile may have brightened someone’s day. I know everyone I have met here has done that for me and made this rough road a little easier~

Here’s the last week of this semester, the end of my undergraduate studies! May it fly by for all of us! J

****Win****

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Arizona sunsets

I didn’t think I would graduate college. I didn’t think I would live to see my friends all begin to get engaged, marry, have babies, begin their lives. I thought mine would be done. Ended. That is what I had hoped for. I had given up on myself. I didn’t want to live in the hell I was stuck in.

When I went to Rosewood Center for Eating Disorders for the first, second, third time- there was a sense of peace there I had never felt before. And as I slowly began to refeed and nourish my body, I also reformed my thoughts and emotions. I found my laughter again.

I am now seventeen days away from graduating with my degree in psychology from the University of Idaho. I have been striving for “recovery” for two years. Recovery. It is far from perfect, because I am NOT perfect. But in the imperfect, there is learning opportunities, healing, and advancement. Today I choose life. And today I was given the opportunity to interview with the very place that saved my life. This time they were not asking me about what condition my health was in, how badly I had plummeted again, but rather my strengths, what I can offer to their group of employees.

After, I asked what it was like for the head of HR to switch from his role in chemical dependency to an eating disorder facility. His answer~

“I didn’t know eating disorders were a large issue. When I began at rosewood, my first week I experienced malnourished individuals coming in like zombies. Blank stares and that walk of weakness. Defeat. But then you watch them come alive again through restoration and refeeding. It is beautiful, the process of finding themselves.”

I literally had goosebumps cover all of me as he finished. After the phone interview, I hung up and sobbed. Partially out of relief, mostly out of gratitude.

Yes, today I was accepted to work at Rosewood Rach for the summer of 2015 until I start my GRADUATE degree in the fall.

I wish I could pinpoint exactly what I am feeling right now…but honestly there are too emotions to choose just one. Sadness in leaving the family and friends I have here in Idaho, gratitude, shock, excitement, anxiety, fear, some guilt and unsureness. I don’t know what God has in store for me, but I do know that I am eager to find out what His crazy plan is. For my life definitely has not turned out as I had planned. But then again, maybe that is a good thing. Who knows where I would be if it has been my will and not His.

Here is to a new adventure, as the story unfolds and the pages keep turning.

W~