Summer 2014

     So...summer break has come and gone. Parents are giddily getting their children supplied with new crayons and fresh notebooks, eagerly anticipating when they can ship their little hooligans off to school. I remember this time of year fondly, back when I worked at Target, and had to put away the MASS amounts of clothing children would try on. Moms would stroll up with shopping carts full of clothes for her daughter or son, then spend hours trying them on, only deciding to buy a few select items leaving me with a pile full of rumpled up clothing I had to disentangle and put away. Now, as I sit reflecting on my '14 summer, I cannot help but feel totally gipped. I had all these plans. Plans to get a rocking tan, go on long camping trips and arduous hikes, study diligently for my GRE, vacation to Oregon, write a book, create world peace, save third world countries, fight the multiplying forest fires, end world hunger and stop all these silly ‘water bucket’ challenges. Needless to say, I didn’t accomplish much on my summer ‘to do’ list. :/ As classes near and my heart races as I think about the upcoming essays, and tests, long hours studying in the library with way too much caffeine dripping through my veins, I don’t know whether to be mad, sad, angry…or just super anxious like I am now…SO instead of dwelling on the things I DIDN’T do, I am going to be positive and thankful for all the things I did get to do! Thus, here is the run down...my compilation of Winter’s summer 2014 shenanigans list:

·         I went to Silverwood for the first time! First roller coaster! Screamed my head off…I have never seen my friends laugh that hard…J

·         Got to be in my first wedding and see my beautiful friend who I cherish so much, Crystal Beavers, get married to her AWESOMELY hilarious husband Patrick in Seattle where I had my 1^st ever shot of tequila!!! J

·         Attended my friend’s bday party as his ‘special guest of honor’ which was too cute and had some of the craziest cake-shaped like a ’14 hands’ wine bottle! OH and learned how to two-step country dance with Crystal, taught by some old dude at the bar we were at! :) I don’t think I have ever had the hick-ups that badly though…:/ #tequila, white Russian, white wine, champagne, beer, shots…TOO MUCH MIXING

·         Applied for nearly a million jobs throughout CDA- ranging from secretary to overseeing the parasail station at the lake! (I actually got the parasailing job…but turned it down!) BECAUSE I got a job at Scratch restaurant as a server/hostess where I was blessed to work at this summer! Catering for weddings, wine tastings, special dinners- It was an awesome experience! Discovered white wine…#1^st time…and brie cheese. Holy batman. I now can now add opening bottles of wine to my skill list…Met some awesome people, and some definite CRANKY people…lol but it was rad and I can’t wait to see them again at Christmas breakJ

·         Set some boundaries with people in my life I needed to. Took care of my health and wellbeing when my initial housing plan didn’t work out. Made grown up decisions. YAY ME

·         Healed up from a nasty hip/leg injury and now can run again! pain free!

·         Went swimming…mmm…maybe four times:/

·         Orange is the New Black

·         Read nothing but status updates on facebook...and fortunes from panda express.

·         Listened to Pandora religiously

·         Missed all the fireworks on fourth of July cause I fell asleep (AKA passed out:/ LOL)

·         Snap chat for two weeks and then forgot I had it.

·         Got to go on someone’s 21 run J

·         Lived off ice cream…like every night…:/ Seriously…Cold stone knew us by heart…#regulars

·         Oh and peanut butter…#fordayz

·         And blended chais and mocha frappachinos. Discovered Mexican mocha fraps and Calypsos…mmmmmtastymmmmm #somuchforeatingmygreensallsummer #oops #sorrynotsorry

·         Used way too many hashtags…

·         My bike got stolen…and then two days later I found it! THANKSGOD!

·         Home brewed beer at someone’s GORGEOUS house. It took six hours. Six. Long. Hours. :/

·         KROC CENTER WAS MY SECOND HOME…besides work

·         Makeup? Nope. Sweats? ALWAYS. And skirts/dresses when sweats were completely out of the question.

·         Befriended the old lady next door…

·         Bought gas twice…grocery shopped 3 times, and didn’t try ANY clothes on…EVER. SCORE.

·         Worked Car d Alene, Ironman, fourth of July, and Art on the Green. Got to see the first Ironman finisher of 2014! AMAZING!

·         Got to see my two amazing friends, Erin and Zach, become Mr. and Mrs. Davis! Quite possibly the cutest wedding #EVER

·         Movies were my solace at the end of a long day when all my words were used up and I could only communicate with Jeremy in grunts…

·         Which leads me to the bestest part of my summer? Getting to see my best friend/boyfriend/love every day…Jeremy. HE put up with me when I started my new job and literally didn’t know how to function for 2 weeks. He fed me coffee and ice cream whenever I needed. And when I didn’t need it. Quizzed me on my GRE terms. Gym partner. Movie date. Drove all the way to Seattle and got HORRIBLY lost just to come see me in the wedding I was in. Bought me Red’s hard cider and mango margaritas. Late night Panda Express runs. 5AM mornings when we were literally incoherent. Back rubs…where lots of puppies died :/ Night time swims in the lake when it was just too bloody hot to sleep. Tickle fights. Cold Spaghettios. Endless giggling at inappropriate Facebook memes. Not judging me for air drying ALL my clothes. Putting up with me fawning over every baby I laid eyes on. SLUG BUG champ. The word ‘ratchet’ being used by me way more times than ever necessary. His poor roommate walking in on me peeing. Sorry Andy…so sorry. Water fights. Not punching me in the face…or running away when things got hard. Letting me be me…with all my weirdness…and being so immensely patient.

 

Overall, though my summer may not have gone how I planned it in my head, it went just as God had wanted it. And that is good enough for meJ Here’s to an amazing summer…to a summer in recovery…with many more to come…to the next phase of my life.

#BRINGITSENIORYEAR

Turn down for what?

ü  Just eat something…

ü  This is all in your head…

ü  You look fine.

ü  You are so skinny! How do you do it?!

ü  If you were a stronger Christian/person, you could just stop doing this.

I have heard it all…

The one I got just recently…”You could never tell you were sick!”

This statement was one of the hardest to swallow…though all are hard for someone with an ED to hear. Just because you don’t look like a skeleton MUST mean you don’t struggle…Just because your weight isn’t exceptionally low obviously means you have it all put together internally, mentally, emotionally. The reality could not be further from the truth. Nothing was more disheartening to me than when I was in treatment for anorexia and a mentally incapacitated person would finally walk through the door in desperate need of help, seeking, begging, searching. And then maybe…after three days, once their weight had “stabilized”, they were booted because some all-knowing insurance companies deemed them medically stable. It makes me so angry.

Why did I deserve treatment and they didn’t based on such a minute marker as a number? Such insignificance. Yet still, in my daily life, I am dictated by numbers. My mood, how much I eat, how long I work out, competing with another woman at the gym based on their outsides, comparing what I eat to the finicky women ordering her dressing on the side. Hold this. None of that. It is everywhere. Everywhere I turn there is some ad for this new fast weight loss product or this new diet trend. Don’t eat this or that. Well hell! I mine as well not eat anything then! That is where my head goes. And lately, my head has been very loud. Calculating. Correcting. Cramming. What I need to do in order to burn it off before I even put the nutrients to my mouth or taste its essence on my lips. LIFE. No longer can look at food as calories, read a label, count carbs. No. Food has to be my medicine. The fuel that drives my body. The electricity that powers my brain. I feel like a very tired fish...swimming upstream, fighting against an ocean of people obsessed with outward appearances. Training for this, swearing off that. Cause if we breathe in too much air now, we will get fat. Where is the logic in that? Tell me, when will it end? When will we think more about what is in our hearts than our plates? Or check our attitudes out rather than body checking in the mirror, calorie counting on our phones, or BMI calculating online? When will we worry more about how much time we spent loving on others than how long we were at the gym for? The amount of compassion we have rather than the size of our backside, thighs, or hip to waist ratio? When will we tune up our outlook on life rather than focusing on solely toning our biceps? Go to church one day…compared to the gym multiple times in a week. Unfortunately, my carnal nature and automatic response is to give it to my body rather than give it to God. To focus on ALL OF THE ABOVE. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle…I fight society and its norms…but mostly I fight myself and my own expectations. And frankly, I am getting tired of fighting. I am letting go. Of numbers, sizes, scales, calories, fat grams, jeans and anything without an elastic waist line, diet plans, structured and rigid meal plans, hours spent with no sleep-empty-alone in quietness I create for myself. Controlled chaos may have been my best friend and loyal lover, but I can no longer seek the approval of those whose opinions will mean nothing in the end. I must fight for those who never had the chance to find their peace, their freedom. ED is a deceptive bastard. This disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful. Just this year, we have lost too many souls to this darkness. Days ago we lost our beloved Robin Williams to depression and addiction. It is all the same-just with a different face. It will consume you. Death is the end result. Or a sad, sick, empty life dedicated to futile efforts of perfection, escape from a reality that is always waiting for you, a cold hard loss. Do not fool yourself into thinking the fleeting pursuit of thinness will result in anything less. It didn’t for those I have lost. And for those in the midst of the battle, I see the same death I saw in my eyes at my worst.

So, just for today- I will forgive myself. Shove my inner critic in the corner, stifle the thoughts that scream I am not worth it, not good enough, or will never amount to anything. I will listen to that one voice that whispers quietly…yet audibly. The voice of health, life, recovery. It is not easy, but it was never promised to us that it would be. “But by the grace of God, there go I.” And as I head back to school in slightly over a week, (Good lord in heaven…:/) I pray that I am overcome by His passion, energy, zeal- to finish this last year of school strong. To take care of myself. To be patient. Positive. Prayer filled. Because on my own strength, I will fail. It takes a village. Because I am one giant mess. But I am His mess. And luckily for me, I find things better within the clutter anyways;)

I know I cannot do this alone. So. I am asking for check ins- texts, phone calls, even letters would be fantastic! However, prayers…prayers are a must. I need them like I need oxygen…and yes. Food.

Thank youJ

Winter Grace