ü
Just eat
something…
ü
This is
all in your head…
ü
You look
fine.
ü
You are so
skinny! How do you do it?!
ü
If you
were a stronger Christian/person, you could just stop doing this.
I have heard it all…
The one I got just recently…”You could never tell you were sick!”
This statement was one of the hardest to swallow…though all
are hard for someone with an ED to hear. Just because you don’t look like a
skeleton MUST mean you don’t struggle…Just because your weight isn’t
exceptionally low obviously means you have it all put together internally,
mentally, emotionally. The reality could not be further from the truth. Nothing
was more disheartening to me than when I was in treatment for anorexia and a
mentally incapacitated person would finally walk through the door in desperate
need of help, seeking, begging, searching. And then maybe…after three days,
once their weight had “stabilized”, they were booted because some all-knowing insurance
companies deemed them medically stable. It makes me so angry.
Why did I deserve treatment and they didn’t based on such a
minute marker as a number? Such insignificance. Yet still, in my daily life, I
am dictated by numbers. My mood, how much I eat, how long I work out, competing
with another woman at the gym based on their outsides, comparing what I eat to
the finicky women ordering her dressing on the side. Hold this. None of that.
It is everywhere. Everywhere I turn
there is some ad for this new fast weight loss product or this new diet trend.
Don’t eat this or that. Well hell! I mine as well not eat anything then! That
is where my head goes. And lately, my head has been very loud.
Calculating. Correcting. Cramming. What I need to do in order to burn it off
before I even put the nutrients to my mouth or taste its essence on my lips. LIFE.
No longer can look at food as calories, read a label, count carbs. No. Food has
to be my medicine. The fuel that drives my body. The electricity that powers my
brain. I feel like a very tired fish...swimming upstream, fighting against an
ocean of people obsessed with outward appearances. Training for this, swearing
off that. Cause if we breathe in too much air now, we will get fat. Where is
the logic in that? Tell me, when will it end? When will we think more about
what is in our hearts than our plates? Or check our attitudes out rather than
body checking in the mirror, calorie counting on our phones, or BMI calculating
online? When will we worry more about how much time we spent loving on others
than how long we were at the gym for? The amount of compassion we have rather
than the size of our backside, thighs, or hip to waist ratio? When will we tune
up our outlook on life rather than focusing on solely toning our biceps? Go to
church one day…compared to the gym multiple times in a week. Unfortunately, my
carnal nature and automatic response is to give it to my body rather than give
it to God. To focus on ALL OF THE ABOVE. I feel like I am fighting a losing
battle…I fight society and its norms…but mostly I fight myself and my own
expectations. And frankly, I am getting tired of fighting. I am letting go. Of
numbers, sizes, scales, calories, fat grams, jeans and anything without an
elastic waist line, diet plans, structured and rigid meal plans, hours spent
with no sleep-empty-alone in quietness I create for myself. Controlled chaos
may have been my best friend and loyal lover, but I can no longer seek the
approval of those whose opinions will mean nothing in the end. I must fight for
those who never had the chance to find their peace, their freedom. ED is a
deceptive bastard. This disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful. Just this
year, we have lost too many souls to this darkness. Days ago we lost our
beloved Robin Williams to depression and addiction. It is all the same-just
with a different face. It will consume you. Death is the end result. Or a sad,
sick, empty life dedicated to futile efforts of perfection, escape from a
reality that is always waiting for you, a cold hard loss. Do not fool yourself
into thinking the fleeting pursuit of thinness will result in anything less. It
didn’t for those I have lost. And for those in the midst of the battle, I see
the same death I saw in my eyes at my worst.
So, just for today- I will forgive myself. Shove my inner
critic in the corner, stifle the thoughts that scream I am not worth it, not
good enough, or will never amount to anything. I will listen to that one voice
that whispers quietly…yet audibly. The voice of health, life, recovery. It is
not easy, but it was never promised to us that it would be. “But by the grace
of God, there go I.” And as I head back to school in slightly over a week,
(Good lord in heaven…:/) I pray that I am overcome by His passion, energy,
zeal- to finish this last year of school strong. To take care of myself. To be
patient. Positive. Prayer filled. Because on my own strength, I will fail. It
takes a village. Because I am one giant mess. But I am His mess. And luckily
for me, I find things better within the clutter anyways;)
I know I cannot do this alone. So. I am asking for check ins-
texts, phone calls, even letters would be fantastic! However, prayers…prayers
are a must. I need them like I need oxygen…and yes. Food.
Thank youJ
Winter Grace
