6 months~

I have been "in recovery" for 6 months. And by "in recover" I mean, actively trying to get my life back from the pits of hell I was in....also known as my E.D. ugh.
Honestly, tonight I feel just NASTY. Im just gonna throw out alllll the words E.D. is callin me right now~ cause it is soooo friggin loud! FAT, UGLY, DISGUSTING, FAILURE, CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT!, PIGGGG,STUPID, HIDEOUS, BLOB, GOOP (i dont even know what that means...i just feel like it....) WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING, IDIOT!!!!! PLAYDOUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
REVOLTING, LAZY,  HEINOUS, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT!!!!
Frick. After 6 months i thought the voices would shut up. HE IS SOOOOO LOUD TONIGHT!
I WANT TO RUNNNNNN I NEVER WANT TO LOOK AT FOOOOOOD AGAINNNNNN
why!!! why why why.....I feel like a monster. I pity those close to me. I suck. Im controlling and a jerk and i yell at my brothers and I cause pain and anger and disappointment and regret. Im not making a difference. Im just taking up space with my doughy-ness.
I CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT! I AM CLUMSY AND AWKWARD AND I SAY THE WRONG THINGS AND GIVE THAT "TONE" AND GET WEIRD LOOKS AND I LOOK JUST WEIRD
kjksljfklsjdflksjfklsjdlsjklf
ok I need to stop...Im sorry all. :/

Memories~

Sometimes I wish I could be brainwashed. There are times I wish I could have amnesia and forget about this stupid disease. Can't teach an old dog new tricks. Ugh...why does this have to be so true.
I wish I could forget, erase my memory of the things I have done in the past. The tactics and tweaks I know oh so well. The paths I have chosen and the things I encountered along the way.
I am cleaning up the kitchen and went to put something away in a cupboard when I came across a large manila envelope. Inside were all the letters I sent to my dad while I was in treatment.
Ya know how some people write in a journal or a notebook when they are feeling angsty and then burn it when its full? ya..well those letters...are like that journal. I don't know why I thought I should look at them again, but I did. And all those memories came flooding back to me. Being in treatment. What hell it was. The pain I caused my father and my family. And it makes me sick. It kills me to see the words on the page. Feel the feelings all over again. Yuck. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, poison. I want to wash myself off...I feel dirty. All the guilt and shame just comes right back. I want to starve it away. I want to run till I die. Because right now I don't feel like I deserve to be here. I deserve what I did to those around me who loved me. I deserve the pain and agony and financial shortcomings I have inflicted on others. THAT is why I feel I deserve ED. I deserve that life. I deserve to suffer. I don't feel like I deserve the forgiveness I know has been given to me. Again. And again. And again. Why? Why did You save me? What good am I to You? Look at me!!! I'm a mess. A freaking mess! 19 years old, living at home and barely a penny to my name. I just walk around with this shame and guilt on my back- Friggin ED choking me to death. I'm a quivering ball of flub, just waiting for something...someone to kick me around. I just want to scream DON'T LOOK AT ME!! Don't touch me! Can't you see? Can't you see the disgusting sinful screw up that I am?!! I can't get it together. I am messing everything up for you. 'Sorry' is the perpetual plee I cry out to you. Swear its the only word I can mutter, manage, offer up to you. A sorry human being. Sorry that I cannot be more for you. Sorry that I was going to do it all for you- going to make everything better. And I can't.
I. Am. Sorry.

Time Travel...and other confessions

Who knows the answer to life?

Not ME!!!

If I had a magic glass ball that showed me the future, I would chuck it and break it into a million tiny fragments. I just watched the movie Time Traveler’s Wife for the first time last night. Super great movie! Totally intriguing to me! But I am pretty sure Rachel McAdams is on crack for marrying a dude that can see the future…and mingle among past, present, and future. Cause knowing how your life will play out would drive me up the wall. Cause the future scares the bat crap out of me. If I would have been given a glimpse into the future a few years ago, I don’t think I could have handled what I saw. God does not give us more than we can handle- Thus, he thankfully does not give us the capability of being omniscient. Personally, my brain would implode.

Right now I am guilty of future tripping quite a bit. Where is the money going to come from to pay off the rest of school? Will I be able to go back to U of I in the spring? Maybe I should RA again…What am I going to do after my undergraduate it finished? Holy crap...I have to figure out my life. Jksdfsajuuidhgjkdnfkj

This is where I need to stop and give myself a chill pill. My chill pill-opium. No just kiddin’. My personal remedy is the Bible. Costs less… oh and the side effects are less invasive.

I kind of cling to this verse like James Franco from the movie 127 hours clung to that big ole’ boulder for.. what was it…like…oh ya! 127 hours! Oh, he was stuck?…Well shoooooot.

Here it is: Jeremiah 29:11-New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I do have hope. Because I know I have a future. And I know me worrying about it today is not going to do a flying fart. It ain’t gonna change NOTHIN’. It is just going to give me a large, burning ulcer. (yuck~) It will just take away from the lessons I am to learn today. Why is it that I can’t trust God on these things? Like the way I trust my dietitian or my therapist. I KNOW they have my back-they are watching the numbers and they will help me keep on track with recovery. So why is it that I can’t put that same amount of trust in God? I think it may be because I don’t feel as though I DESERVE to have that peace of mind. I feel like I have had points in my life where I downright disobeyed him, blatantly and directly to His face. He pointed me in the right direction- I gave Him an impy grin, flicked Him the birdy, and went the ENTIRELY opposite way. I sat in church and heard Him loud and clear telling me how I was SUPPOSED to be living my life. I would cry, I would cry harder and think yeah I really need to do this. I would then proceed to go home and start living my life of sin and deception and secrets all over again.

 In church for the past several weeks, we have been going through the book of Ephesians. Yesterday’s message touched on the act of stripping off our old sinful ways and becoming more like Christ. Pastor Rodney asked us to honestly assess which way our lives were growing- towards Christ or towards ungodliness. I know I have hit my rock bottom. Rehab was DEFINITELY my bottom. I know which way I need to be growing. But are all my actions and thoughts and beliefs pointing upwards? Am I doing everything I can for His kingdom? Am I walking my talk? This is where I honestly have to assess myself. After that service and an email conversation my wonderful friend whom I met at the Ranch, I can see where there are things that are still tinged and tainted with ED. A lot of things. And that concerns me. I thank God I am not where I WAS. But I still feel like I have a lot of work to do. I am imperfect. And I thank God everyday for my friends and family who KNOW this and see this in me, yet still love me. Even when I can’t. Because right now, I am kind of disgusted by me. Disgusted with the sinner I am. Disgusted with how Satan still uses ED to drive a wedge between me and life. But as God as my witness and with the strength I have in me, I will fight to kick down that barrier every day.

R.I.P ED

I LOVE YOU ALL~

Me, myself, and I

I can’t make a decision to save my life.

Don’t go shopping with me. I won’t be able to decide if I should buy it or not. So I will walk around for half an hour with it. Then I will decide to get it. Then I will put it back. Then I will ask to go back and get it again. I will once again get it, quickly pay for it, get home and the then return it.

I hate shaving.

I DO eat my vegetables.

My idea of makeup- Chapstick and maybe some concealer to cover up the dark bags under my eyes cause my friend once asked me, have you slept lately? No, I really just got junk punched in the face by a homeless zombie. Actually, as a matter of fact, I just didn’t put makeup on today thanks for noticing. :/

I don’t watch TV and movies. I have ADD.  I have the attention span of a kindergartner. I will begin twitching and making weird noises if you try and subdue me for too long. I may start screaming and you may need to take me out the of room.

I read.

I am picky.

I use phrases like shiz, oh mylanta, and gee wiz to give "life" to my vocabulary. In essence, I talk like a second grader.

My time spent on my walks outdoors is my sacred me time. It is the equivalent to your cup of coffee in the morning. Without it, I can not function.

No, I do not think it is cute when your ugly dog start chasing me. Pen that UGLY thing up.                           

I will clean. If you mess it up, I will castrate you.

No I don’t want to go to dinner with you. Because watching me eat is like watching World War II all over again.

I should come with a warning label- May cause severe itching, burning, bleeding or bruising. Harmful if swallowed. That’s what she said.

Yes, I use that phrase. Quite frequently. So get used to it.

I want Jim Halpert as my husband.

Yes I know I am leaving the house with no makeup on, my workout clothes as my attire, and my hair in a semi-falling out ponytail. Avert your eyes. They may spontaneously begin to bleed.

I am a penny pincher. And when I say pincher, I mean I try to save money ANY way I can. NO, not prostitution thank you. But by any other means.

My goal in life has been the same ever since I was three- to be the white Oprah.

I cannot burp. It is not that I don’t want to! Believe me I do! My body is just malfunctional.

Malfunctional is not a word. Yet, I seem to have used it twice.

Yep, just spell checked it. Not a word. Yes, I use spellcheck.

I run into things. I drop things with no good reason. I fall up/down/through stairs. I can’t walk straight. And yes I am sober at the time.

Worrying is a pastime of mine. If it were an Olympic sport, I would take gold.

I need to quit complaining.

Can’t touch this. (Cue music now..da nah nah nah…nah nah…nah nah..) No seriously…don’t touch me.

I like to sing. Annoying loud. All the time.

I give a pretty damn good puppy dog face. Gets my dad every time.

I am controlling.

I wonder if a human can subsist on pickles and frozen yogurt…

I get quite unpleasant when hungry. Which is pretty much the only cue you will get that I am hungry. I won’t tell you.

SHES HAVING A SEIZURE. No…no that is just me attempting to dance.

My voice is, quite possibly, the most annoying noise on the planet.

I would rather live in danger, than die with fear.

I am what I am. No changing this one. I can’t be tamed. Oh gag I think I just quoted Miley Cyrus…I TAKE IT BACK. Heave…heave…gag...barf.

This is me. Take it or leave it. There are days where the quiet assails me. I wish I were something more. Something different. There are days when I am afraid what you think of me. I panic when I do something outside my comfort zone. I try to lose myself in the chaos of life. Perhaps then I will forget what I am.

Look into my eyes. But not for too long. For I fear you will see the truth. All the things I have done. All the words that are unspoken, resting on my lips. The taste of bitter mourning, never to reach the surface. Perhaps they will spill out. Fly into the air. And then drop to the ground and shatter as broken glass. Will you then pick up the pieces? Or will you point and laugh at the mistake that I am. This thing that is me. Will you risk cutting yourself to help me put this mess back together? Or will you walk away and mutter that I am not worth your time, not what you were looking for. Am I destined to be alone? Will I ever amount to anything?  My greatest fear resides in your response. I shutter as you walk past. If you only knew. Me.

Fake vs. Real

FAKE~ Having a false or misleading appearance.

One that is not authentic.

To contrive and present as genuine.

"Fake people are like pennies, two-faced and worthless. Real people are never fake, and fake people are never real." Anonymous

Here are some thoughts of mine on this concept of FAKE things~

Fake boobs- Ya know their phony when they don’t bounce. :/

Fake environmentalists- Claim they don’t eat meat to “save the animals”…and then they parade around in their fur coats and pelt hats.

Drive their Prius two miles to work and then snowmobile, four wheel, and jet ski all weekend.

Bottled water while there are places in the world that DONT have access to clean water directly.

Recycle? What's that?

Fake tan- You, my dear woman, are not tan. You are orange. Either you have contracted a very serious skin disease, Leprosy perhaps? Or you deficient in some essential vitamin. I would get that checked out, ASAP.

Fake ID’s- So Betty Sue…why don’t you run along and give this back to your momma. You ain’t 21.

Is Winter your real name?????

Fake diamonds- “Dude! Your wife tried to trade her ring in?”

“Ya, and then she found out it was fake…”

“No wonder you’re sleepin’ on the couch…”

Fake: Can’t go to sleep, leave the house, or be seen without makeup on.

Fake smile: Wow…that looks like it hurts….I hate being constipated.

Plastic surgery: Again again!…smile again….Nope still nothing. It is amazing…NOTHING on your face moves! Please refer to Michael Jackson’s nose. Grotesque.

Fakers- I have no flaws. FAKE humility- I have no strengths and only weaknesses. REAL people: I got strengths and weaknesses baby! I am perfectly imperfect!

Hair: ‘Scuse me! I think you just l dropped your cat…

The poof…. is a large mound of hair that is pushed up close to the forehead and secured with a zillion bobby pins and a mass amount of hairspray. If you push on it gently….POP GOES THE WIESEL!

Nacho cheese…oooooh good Lord. NO that would be orange goop..probably the same goop people use to fake tan with.

Bologna: Processed cat and dog body parts…a little circular convenient sliceeeee of slimy goodness!~(barf)  Oooooh my bologna has a first name in OSCAR- um STOP right there…that was your DOGS name..Oscar…the same dog that went into make this crap.

Fast food- It may be fast, but it is definitely not food.

SPAM: Anything that could survive a nuclear blast should not be consumed or ingested.

Stuvia: mmm tastes like sugar…cause it’s made  from…CANCER CAUSING CHEMICALS!

Fake: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny. Kid…if some bearded man dressed in red slides down your chimney…it is NOT Old Chris Kringle…THAT would be an escaped convict/felon. Call the 911 ASAP.

Fairy tales: Ya ya ya…if I had seven little men following me around constantly, I would KNOW that it wasn’t real! And there is no WAY they lived “happily ever after.” And glass slippers…hello! CRACK

Models: Sure, you could live your life strutting down a runway, pouting at camera, and subsisting on rice cakes and carrot sticks. But that is not life. That is FAKE. Was Mother Teresa a size two? Did Jesus fake bake and spend his loaves and fishes gettin’ his taaaaan on? I think not. They will be remembered for the great works they did-the things they accomplished. So while the whole world is fooled into thinking that thin is in- I know what it leads to. I can play out the tape. Twiggy is not pretty. And I refuse to allow you to make me think otherwise. Know why? IT’S FAKE

REAL life is doing chores likes making the bed, scrubbing the latrine, and doing the dishes. It's workin' 9-5 at some insanely boring desk job, but hey it pays the bills. It is being a mother, a teacher, a surgeon, a waiter. It is spent scraping your kids poo off the wall at 4 am. Holding your friend's hair when she has a little too much to drink. Waiting by the phone for that special person to call you just so you can hear their voice, though they are thousand's of miles away. REAL life is hard. Get a helmet. It sucks at times. But I wouldn't trade it for a moment. Because trials are what makes us stronger. Tribulation creates a fire in us that can never be quenched. God created this life for us- He chose to provide the Way, the Truth, and the Life to save us. Real enough for ya? THAT kind of love can never be faked.

* I would like to dedicate this post to my good friend Jami (AKA DILLHOLE) Kidd~ You inspire me- you are one of the most REAL people I know.

SHOUT out

Shout out to all my friends, family, and fellow Rosewood/ANJ survivors who have been there for me and have been praying for me throughout this journey~
I am so blessed- God is good all the time, even when the circumstances are dire.
Friends and family: Thank you all for your support and love-even when I mess up at this thing called life.
My fellow ED survivors~ I LOVE YOU ALL and please stay strong.
Jesus- Thank you for life. <3 Help me to LIVE it and not be a slave to ED, in bondage to satan's lies.
Help me find me way. Im scared right now..so many unknowns and doubts. All I can do is wait and see how the cards will play out and let the pieces fall where they may.
R.I.P ED