Who knows the answer to life?
Not ME!!!
If I had a magic glass ball that showed me the future, I would chuck it and break it into a million tiny fragments. I just watched the movie Time Traveler’s Wife for the first time last night. Super great movie! Totally intriguing to me! But I am pretty sure Rachel McAdams is on crack for marrying a dude that can see the future…and mingle among past, present, and future. Cause knowing how your life will play out would drive me up the wall. Cause the future scares the bat crap out of me. If I would have been given a glimpse into the future a few years ago, I don’t think I could have handled what I saw. God does not give us more than we can handle- Thus, he thankfully does not give us the capability of being omniscient. Personally, my brain would implode.
Right now I am guilty of future tripping quite a bit. Where is the money going to come from to pay off the rest of school? Will I be able to go back to U of I in the spring? Maybe I should RA again…What am I going to do after my undergraduate it finished? Holy crap...I have to figure out my life. Jksdfsajuuidhgjkdnfkj
This is where I need to stop and give myself a chill pill. My chill pill-opium. No just kiddin’. My personal remedy is the Bible. Costs less… oh and the side effects are less invasive.
I kind of cling to this verse like James Franco from the movie 127 hours clung to that big ole’ boulder for.. what was it…like…oh ya! 127 hours! Oh, he was stuck?…Well shoooooot.
Here it is: Jeremiah 29:11-New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I do have hope. Because I know I have a future. And I know me worrying about it today is not going to do a flying fart. It ain’t gonna change NOTHIN’. It is just going to give me a large, burning ulcer. (yuck~) It will just take away from the lessons I am to learn today. Why is it that I can’t trust God on these things? Like the way I trust my dietitian or my therapist. I KNOW they have my back-they are watching the numbers and they will help me keep on track with recovery. So why is it that I can’t put that same amount of trust in God? I think it may be because I don’t feel as though I DESERVE to have that peace of mind. I feel like I have had points in my life where I downright disobeyed him, blatantly and directly to His face. He pointed me in the right direction- I gave Him an impy grin, flicked Him the birdy, and went the ENTIRELY opposite way. I sat in church and heard Him loud and clear telling me how I was SUPPOSED to be living my life. I would cry, I would cry harder and think yeah I really need to do this. I would then proceed to go home and start living my life of sin and deception and secrets all over again.
In church for the past several weeks, we have been going through the book of Ephesians. Yesterday’s message touched on the act of stripping off our old sinful ways and becoming more like Christ. Pastor Rodney asked us to honestly assess which way our lives were growing- towards Christ or towards ungodliness. I know I have hit my rock bottom. Rehab was DEFINITELY my bottom. I know which way I need to be growing. But are all my actions and thoughts and beliefs pointing upwards? Am I doing everything I can for His kingdom? Am I walking my talk? This is where I honestly have to assess myself. After that service and an email conversation my wonderful friend whom I met at the Ranch, I can see where there are things that are still tinged and tainted with ED. A lot of things. And that concerns me. I thank God I am not where I WAS. But I still feel like I have a lot of work to do. I am imperfect. And I thank God everyday for my friends and family who KNOW this and see this in me, yet still love me. Even when I can’t. Because right now, I am kind of disgusted by me. Disgusted with the sinner I am. Disgusted with how Satan still uses ED to drive a wedge between me and life. But as God as my witness and with the strength I have in me, I will fight to kick down that barrier every day.
R.I.P ED
I LOVE YOU ALL~
