Sometimes I wish I could be brainwashed. There are times I wish I could have amnesia and forget about this stupid disease. Can't teach an old dog new tricks. Ugh...why does this have to be so true.
I wish I could forget, erase my memory of the things I have done in the past. The tactics and tweaks I know oh so well. The paths I have chosen and the things I encountered along the way.
I am cleaning up the kitchen and went to put something away in a cupboard when I came across a large manila envelope. Inside were all the letters I sent to my dad while I was in treatment.
Ya know how some people write in a journal or a notebook when they are feeling angsty and then burn it when its full? ya..well those letters...are like that journal. I don't know why I thought I should look at them again, but I did. And all those memories came flooding back to me. Being in treatment. What hell it was. The pain I caused my father and my family. And it makes me sick. It kills me to see the words on the page. Feel the feelings all over again. Yuck. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, poison. I want to wash myself off...I feel dirty. All the guilt and shame just comes right back. I want to starve it away. I want to run till I die. Because right now I don't feel like I deserve to be here. I deserve what I did to those around me who loved me. I deserve the pain and agony and financial shortcomings I have inflicted on others. THAT is why I feel I deserve ED. I deserve that life. I deserve to suffer. I don't feel like I deserve the forgiveness I know has been given to me. Again. And again. And again. Why? Why did You save me? What good am I to You? Look at me!!! I'm a mess. A freaking mess! 19 years old, living at home and barely a penny to my name. I just walk around with this shame and guilt on my back- Friggin ED choking me to death. I'm a quivering ball of flub, just waiting for something...someone to kick me around. I just want to scream DON'T LOOK AT ME!! Don't touch me! Can't you see? Can't you see the disgusting sinful screw up that I am?!! I can't get it together. I am messing everything up for you. 'Sorry' is the perpetual plee I cry out to you. Swear its the only word I can mutter, manage, offer up to you. A sorry human being. Sorry that I cannot be more for you. Sorry that I was going to do it all for you- going to make everything better. And I can't.
I. Am. Sorry.
