I can no longer get into a car without having a mini panic attack. When I look at a garage door, a loud CRUNCH noise flows through my head. The traumatic event of me, backing into our garage door several nights ago keeps flashing through my mind. Yep. I backed our truck into the garage door. And no, it was not pretty. There was a HUGE dent protruding out that was visible for all the world to see. There are no words to describe how awful I felt in that moment. Embarrassed. Ashamed. I believe the words, I'm dead flied through my head as I realized I must now tell my father about the lovely accident I had just caused. Just add it to my tab that is currently due to him :/ After treatment, now this. Superb.
So...time to get real. I have always needed something real, something evident, something tangible to convince me of anything- to prove to me something was real. Moses has a burning bush. I just got a dented garage. Weird comparison, I know. But the bush and the garage are parallel in meaning for me. It was a wake up call. A tangible, visible smack in the face from God. Cause lately, its been ED driving this car. Not me. Winter just kind of took the back seat. And I'm really sick of it. I'm sick of this. Its time to get back in the game. Cause I'm not going to lie, I'm not doing so hot on my own right now. I am not following my meal plan. I'm allowing the stress of life to pile up without dealing with it appropriately. Right now I don't trust myself. I sure as heck don't trust my body. Not at all. So what do I turn to? ED. nice one winter..nice one.
I'm embarrassed. I'm ashamed. I'm guilty. So I turn to ED. Its time to re-evaluate what I'm really doing with this thing called life. With recovery. After being confronted by loved ones the last couple of days, I tend to freak out. ED convinces/suggests to me that I can just NOT follow my meal plan and do what I want. So I don't follow my meal plan and restrict and purge by exercising. I try to compensate, which doesn't work because there is no limit to the compensation. It will go until I kill myself. No amount is good enough for me...or for ED.
Lately, God has been TRYING to send me some signs. To get my attention. Hes saying I need to slooooow down and be more present~ The forgetting to check to see if the garage door was open BEFORE backing up is the perfect example of him sayin....uhhhh buddy...I think you need to slow down and give your brain the nutrition it needs. That way you ah...wont be so stuck on food maybe? Eh? Ya! Cause right now your spending waaaaay too much time thinking about it. And who wants to waste their time with that? Ya... you may be unhappy with yourself. Get over yourself. You, your stressed. Work, school, life. Well, don't you have any faith in me? No matter how much you worry, how hard you fight it, you will not be able to change a thing. Tomorrow will still come.
Your restricting is making you lose focus. Its making you foggy. Your too stuck in your own head. Too busy skimming, comparing, subtracting, and restricting to be fully present. Your attitude sucks. Your cranky. And tense. Anxious. You resemble a brick wall. Life just keeps hitting you. You feel nothing. You are numb. Life is happening around you and you cant move. Your stuck. Scared. Terrified. And fighting health with everything you have. Tired yet? Its time to stick to the plan. Is that so hard? Cause you could 1. Follow your plan or 2. give in to this jerk ED. That little Mofo needs to beat it. He just wants you miserable. And he is doing pretty good isn't he? So ya done fighting now? Just try it. Try sticking to the plan. For a day. For a week.
Thanks~
GOD
Yep. That's what it takes to get through my thick skull. A dented garage. Good grief.
