Usually I dislike Sundays…not the day themselves but the
feeling that is associated with it.
The dreadful feeling that the weekend is over and it is back
to reality. The calm before the Monday.
This semester, Sunday’s have been especially rough, usually
punctuated by having to drive back from my hometown in Coeur d Alene where I spent
the majority of my weekends with my second family (sometimes my first, too) to the dirty Scow. I just drag my feet… a lot… on Sundays. On the seventh day, God rested. Well, I just bitch and moan. :/
Today was different. This Sunday I don’t have that retched
feeling in my gut. This week is my last week on undergraduate classes. In two
weeks, I will be graduated. It seems like yesterday my second mom, Julie, was
hugging me as I complained (like I usually do) about having to go back for my
last semester at school.
“It will go so fast,” she said! “Soon you will be done!”
She was right. The time HAS flown past. It has also crawled ridiculously
slowly. It has been out of control crazy busy. It’s also been a slow, painful crawl
to the finish line. And today, after a crazy Friday and Saturday, I took some
self-care me time and biked to Washington, I ride that I have done often. But this
time, I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace, one I don’t feel often. I can probably
count on one hand how many ‘peaceful’ moments I have had throughout this Senior
year. This afternoon was one of them.
While I have learned a lot about psychology, theories,
scholastic facts etc. at school, I feel the most important thing I have learned
here at the U of I was about myself. How I handle stress (not gracefully)
relationships (ugh..I suck) and just LIFE (well…I am still figuring it out.) A
degree doesn’t prove how smart you are, how ready you are in the real world,
how established you are in your life…well at least for me it doesn’t. This degree
signified fight. Determination. A lot of blood, sweat, and tears. But it also
was underlined in surrender. To a greater idea that I didn’t have any insight
on. Faith. And I am NOT good with not being ‘in the know,’ so there was a lot of
second guessing, panic, and unease. There still will be. That’s life. However, all
I have is today, and I just keep trying to make the most of each minute I am
given.
This weekend began with “Artibility” an event put on by
adults with learning disabilities who were given the chance to be funded by a
grant through the university to let out their creativity through sculpture,
painting, drawing etc. They had been working on their creations all semester,
and the end result was marvelous. Though it may have seemed like a hodge podge
of color and lines and mess, it was beauty to everyone who witnessed the end
product. Especially the Creator themselves.
Friday night I was kidnapped by my roomie and her boyfriend
to go see Avengers. Which was sold out. SO then we tooled around WSU and saw
little baby bears and awesome cars and listened to “Animal” by Maroon 5 and
laughed our guts out. Then I got to listen to Jazz music and sip wine with my
amazing friend Lisa who has gotten me through so much of this past Senior year.
God knew exactly what I needed when He put us in the same class togetherJ
Saturday I strolled around the arboretum, meandered the
Farmer’s Market and tried on silly clothes with my friend David, hit the Renaissance
fair, and then day drank at the Brew Fest (the best!) where I ran into two
people I adore, Sarah and Hannah. Sarah can make me laugh like none other, no
matter how much time has passed since we’ve seen one another. Hannah brought me
to tears in the best possible way.
Got to watch some of the boxing fight with good ole Zack and
then dinner and karaoke with my girl Kelsey. Slept in this morning, watched the
beautiful Kelsey in her dance recital, did some chores around the apartment,
and then took myself on a long bike ride in the sun.
Usually my head swarms with negative thoughts about myself,
especially my body. But today, in shorts and a tank top, I just rode. Just me
and music and the Palouse. And when my head is finally silent, God reminds me
that I am not a failure, that He has a plan, and that all is well. To be calm.
And to trust Him.
When I got back, I called my grandparents who I never talk
to enough. And because of who I am, I expect to be reprimanded for not calling
more often, yelled at for not checking in. You know what they say…every time?
‘WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU!!!’
I never heard this growing up. Hearing it now brings me to
my knees. What an amazing example of unconditional love. No matter how long we
go without talking, they never fail to just shower me with their love and
support. And I could not be more grateful.
That is what is in my heart today, after an incredible
weekend. Gratitude. No, I am not a size two. I am far from OK with my body.
However, I had the energy to run around all weekend, the ability to hug those I
haven’t seen in forever and truly enjoy myself. Yeah it’s uncomfortable. It is
hard as hell. But it’s worth it. Life is amazing if you allow yourself to stop
and enjoy it. I am so glad for those moments that God has let me experience,
days like today and this past weekend. And I am so grateful for those of you
who have been such supports to me on my journey and who I know will continue to
do so as I head into the next stage of my career and life. I cannot thank you enough for that. Some may
look down on social media, say it is a waste of time. Sure it probably is. I
spend way too much time on it. But it also gives me the opportunity to access
and stay in touch with the people I adore in life. No matter how far away we
are or how long we have gone without talking.
As I think about leaving Moscow, I get really sad. Which is
crazy because it is such a little shit hole! But I LOVE this little shit hole
and it has a piece of my heart. The only thing I ever wanted, my only goal in
coming to school here, was to grow and to touch people’s lives. I hope that
when I leave after my four years here that I can say that my smile may have
brightened someone’s day. I know everyone I have met here has done that for me
and made this rough road a little easier~
Here’s the last week of this semester, the end of my undergraduate
studies! May it fly by for all of us! J
****Win****
.
