"Because we only strive for perfection, we recognize nothing less. We block our awareness of the ordinary successes that our our again and again. Thus, the serenity the program promises us eludes us. But we ARE succeeding. Each that that we are abstinent, we succeed. Many of us are taught that success only came in certain shapes and sizes. And we felt like failures. We need NEW definitions. It is time to discard these old definitions and embrace the new ones the program offers us."head.
So often I get stuck on ruminating over my mistakes and character defects. The horrible conversation I just had with my dad. My financial insecurity and the stress of trying to make ends meet. The endless process of searching for employment. Body image. The millions of voices connected to all my "isms" running rampant in my crazy head. My brothers' struggles. What so and so are thinking of me. I want so much to own this place on earth that God has given me. To stand my ground, speak my truth, and release all fear and live boldly.
Yet, I feel so defeated when all my insecurities creep into the pores of my being and saturate my soul. cloud my vision. And control my actions and my day. But today this reading spoke to me and pulled the tape off of my mouth. I don't need a significant accomplishment to celebrate. I dont have to do anything spectacular. I get so stuck on being a human doing instead of a human BEING.
This morning I looked back at the small, yet monumental victories I had and realized they just happened. I didn't have to do anything to feel the sunshine on a warm day.The collectiveness of an A.A. meeting in which I was able to sit still in perfect serenity for 10 WHOLE minutes of mediation and not squirm around like a three year old ruminating on 101 things going on in my life or what I needed to do that day. A day by myself at the ocean, just sitting in the water and feeling the strength of the waves carry me away. Flying down the street on a road bike and having the strength and stamina I didn't have while under the tyranny of Ana. A call from a good friend. Plucking eyebrows (a talent of mine!) Holding a baby. A cup of decaf coffee. Talking to my little brother. The blessing of waking up every morning with gratitude. The ability to just be me and to laugh...and to cry. To speak my mind. To allow others in. To get hurt and to learn. To not wear makeup. To dress up for no reason. To be terrified yet peaceful at the same time. Because in just being, God will work all things out.
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
that where there is error, I may bring truth;
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.
