I have been trying to reach out to a friend who has been
going through relationship problems lately. Most of the time I don’t know
whether to try to spew out all the advice I have building up inside of me on
his predicament or if I should keep my mouth shut and try to just listen. I
straddle that thin line between my co-dependent self wanting desperately to fix
it for him and my wise mind knowing that he has to go through this pain by
himself…which sucks cause every fiber in me wishes I could take it from him. A
lot of the depression-induced thoughts he is having really strike my own heart.
Will I ever be able to have a healthy relationship? How can I allow myself to
fully trust someone when I have been hurt so many times? What if God wants me
to be alone? In hearing his agonized questioning, I had to step back and look
at my own heart before I carefully responded to his deep intrigues.
For many individuals, loneliness is kryptonite. Women have
to go to the bathroom in large groups, for Heaven’s sake! In fact, just the
other night I walked into a restaurant to meet a date there for dinner. Since I
was a tad early, I waited inside at the front for him. The seating hostess
asked if I was a party of one and I quickly told her that I was waiting for
someone, silently thanking the good Lord that I didn’t have to be there eating alone.
Awkward. But why? Why is that awkward? Why is it such an uncomfortable thing to
go out to eat by yourself? To take yourself to the movies? Buy yourself
flowers? We are meant to be in relationship with one another, but does it
always mean that we must be looking for that in a partner? In a dating
situation? For me, I don’t think it does. While I hope that God has a man out
there for me to settle down with some day, I do not fear being “alone” for the
rest of my life. Because I have experienced community and the fulfillment that
it brings and I know I will never be truly ALONE. Why? Because 1. I have God,
2. I have family, and 3. I have a slew of other brothers and sisters in Christ
to do life with! This has been made very apparent to me throughout this last
year going through treatment, school, an amazing baptism, and joining a
wonderful church. I no longer have to fear what others think of me. I don’t have
to get absurdly nervous before going out on a casual date. (Though trust me…I
still do! J )
Why? Because I AM WHAT I AM. If I try to make some man fall in love with the
well behaved, put together woman I WISH and could PRETEND to be…he is falling
in love with something that isn’t true. And though I may be able to keep the
act up for a little while, sooner or later he will find the soot on my cheek
and realize I ain’t no Cinderella! Instead, I want to go into the night being
totally myself. My quirky, crazy, random, hyper self. I’m gonna order dessert,
eat with my hands, tell you about how I love my family, am crazy about God,
spend my free time in a library, and listen to Lady Gaga profusely. I’m going
to show you the scars from where I trip over myself running, tell you my most
embarrassing moment, and explain why I would rather read a book than go out
drinking on a Friday night. Chances are I will show up 10 minutes early because
I am OCD, have little to no makeup on, and may not be wearing pants cause I
hate real clothes…(Don’t worry I will DEFINITELY be wearing bottoms of some
sort….GOOD GRIEF!) I will shake my head when you go into rants about how much
you work out, I will stop you at crude or racial jokes and rude smirks about
someone sitting next to us, and I will cock my head in confusion when you start
talking about video games and movies. This will probably drive most dudes away.
This may prevent me from ever marrying. And I have accepted that IT’S OK. So to
all those SINGLE peeps out there, don’t sweat it. Yes, it always nice to be
with someone who tells you how awesome you are or buys you shiz…but the truth
is…I have to be able to do that for myself FIRST before any man does that for
me. Because otherwise I will just get angry at him, turn mean, green, and bulky
and throw things at him like the Hulk. Because I don’t believe it. And no
matter how much you try to convince me that I am not an ogre, I will not be
able to take that into my speculatory heart without some major self-
reconstruction first. And that is where it is up to me. To take time to learn
what I actually like, instead of liking whatever THAT guy likes…instead of
morphing myself into whatever Bob or Jerry or Tiny Tim want. I want to be what
GOD wants. I want to be the daughter He intended me to be. And if that happens
to fit into the mold of a relationship with a man, awesome! If not…mmm I might
not feel so awesome…but I’ll get over it! Because God has other things
planned! For He who has begun a good work in me will be faithful to complete
it~ His plans are greater than anything I could ever construct. So here’s to throwin’
my hands up in the air, dancing to the beat of my own drum, enjoying bein’
single, and knowing that a party of ONE is just nifty, as well! Cause no matter
what, I’m never ALONE~
This message has been brought to you by:
YOUR CHEEKY MONKEY, WIN J
