So now that I have accepted that I cannot stay in this place, that I am tired of being sick and tired, my treatment team and I are discussing my options.
1. Inpatient
2. I do this...I really do this. I eat. And NOT run.
And 3. IM TERRIFIED. I know logically in order to reverse this process the lengths it takes to get there. I know logically I have to eat food. And not run. And allow my body to GAIN WEIGHT (ughhhhhhhhh)
In a world and society that pushes losing weight EVERYWHERE, hearing those words or USING them- GAIN WEIGHT just equals failure in my distorted head. I feel disgusting. I think I look fine. No one says anything...so why do I need to gain weight? I suck. Why should I be allowed food?
All I know is I am terrified. I don't know what a "normal" person eats in a day. I am afraid I have shot my metabolism. So I am so scared of eating normally...of trying to eat more for that matter. Of food and my body...in general!
I am terrified... But going BACK to inpatient is also mortifying...even admitting that I'm back to thinking about that option is so revolting to me. I let everyone down. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE STRONG. I AM SUPPOSED TO HAVE MY LIFE TOGETHER. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE RECOVERED. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM? All I know is I am disappointed in myself beyond words. And now terrified to take any steps forward. :/
