I feel as though I am slothing through a bog of the thickest, most grotesque slime you could possibly imagine.
Every day just seems like this epic battle in my head. I feel utterly useless as I sit around at home and try to preoccupy my tortured mind. I hear nothing but the insane shriekings of Satan that comes in the form of my ED. Forever telling me that I am a disgusting, filthy, fleshy, fat freak who deserves nothing more than what I have coming to me- DEATH.
The voices are so much louder when I am not acting out...and this past week has been absolute hell. I want to run, scream, smash something, pound my head into a wall do ANYTHING to make it stop. So stop thinking about food. Weight. What a disappointing lazy slug I am. No work. No school. What am I? A life sucking flea that only makes everyone around them miserable. I feel even though I am making these HUGE steps (no running, more food) it goes unnoticed. Accept by ED who is FREAKING out. My mind and the voices are equivalent to a horror movie with people insanely screaming 24/7. It is disgusting.
I am going to visit good friends in Montana for a week or two to see if ANYTHING helps. I don't know why they are willing to take me in, I feel like such a burden...I cannot believe how blessed I am to have this offer to come and have a routine- something to do. Maybe it will help? I don't know...but I do know I am desperate. For any sort of relief right now. And tearing my hair out and bashing my head against the wall is probably not the best solution. This off to beautiful Montana I go~ All of your prayers and thoughts have and are appreciated! I am utterly spent. But I will continue to try to put one foot in front of another while wading through this haze. I cant see where I'm going. There is no light and I'm blindly stumbling along. I cant feel anything anymore. I'm emotionally unavailable. Checked out. I cling to the only thing I have left~ YOUR support and words of encouragement. THANK YOU
