I have been in Montana three days...
I feel like I have gained 30 pounds since I have been here. ED is yelling and screaming and KICKING me. WHAT am I doing? WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING sitting down? Eating that food? NOT running? Not taking care of your family at home? What are you doing intruding on this wonderful family's home? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
1. I'm not doing ANY activity~ I sit..alllllll day. :/
2. I'm eating. I'm following a meal plan. And its scary.
3. I am being loved on by so many people.
4. I'm scared and terrified and KNOW that my body is changing and freaking out. I don't know WHAT it is going to do or look like in a week...let alone tomorrow...but for some reason...being here in Montana with all this love and support and my friends around me is helping...slowing....quieting the noise.
I know I don't want to die. And without change I would have. So I am here. NOT at home where I was free to act out. Yes, in one aspect of my mind I'm a failure. I'm scared. ED tells me I will become fat, disgusting.
But on the other side, I'm safe. I have some structure. I have people who care about me here to love on me...
I feel so blessed and honored. I don't know whyyyy they are putting up with me, why they are so nice and kind to me when I have done nothing to deserve it. It is just such a wonderful testimony to God and his love for us in sending his Son Jesus to us. I am touched, moved, amazed. My iced over heart is slightly unthawing. My crazy brain slightly slowing. With each day (and trust me its minute by minute one day at a time) I keep challenging myself. I keep moving forward. Keep breathing. Keep hoping and putting my faith in those around me. Today, I will look to the GORGEOUS mountains and be grateful that I am alive. That I am here. And that God has a plan. I have NO idea what that plan is...but I will sit in this silence, this uncertainess, this scary place that my brain is in right now...and trust that it can only get better:) Grateful <3
