Birthday weekend~
The wonderful family I am staying with here in Montana drove me all the way to Idaho so I could see my family before my birthday this last weekend! We left Friday, hit up my dietitian in Spokane and had a checkup and blood drawn in Hayden.
Friday night went nothing like I was anticipating. After a nice dinner with the family, I returned home and had a very rough conversation with my parents which literally left me in the fetal position. Since I have been here in Montana there has been no “progress” made. Basically, to my dad that just means gaining weight. Gag. Thus, he threatened that if I don’t start moving up in numbers (again SHUTTER) he will force me back into rehab. What a nice thing to surprise your daughter with on her birthday. Can’t you just get me a card like any other person would? UGH
My heart is broken. And I am angry and stubborn. I need prayer. That ED stays out of my head these two weeks and allows me to surrender myself to what I am to do here. I am scared. I am disgusted with myself and the thought of gaining weight is utterly repulsive to me. I believe I am repulsive and huge. I don’t understand how anyone can see otherwise.
The rest of the weekend was filled with seeing friends- which included seeing my friend Jordan who I met one year ago, to the day! He surprised me from Tacoma and came and visited me for my birthday! How blessed I am! Such a blessing to see him and his inspirational face!
The Lord got us home safely and though it was a challenging trip, God is always good. He always has a plan. I just pray to God that I am allowed to remain here in the comfort of the mountains to heal, instead of being forced to undergo the awful process of treatment yet again. Anger fills my being as I realize that it was me who allowed myself to get to this spot again. I am so disappointed in my weakness. But in the weakness now I hope to be willing. Willing to do what it takes to stay here. Thank you all for your continued prayers~ They are needed now more than ever! <3
