So I am going to be super blunt, brutally honest, and quite
frank. It is time to bite this denial in the butt. Because my jeans no longer
make it up past my butt. My head is super friggin loud. I don’t know what is
going on. My appetite is insatiable. I have night sweats all the time. And I
have gained a significant amount of weight since last summer. When I was at a
healthy weight. Period. Yes, even though I felt uncomfortable at that weight as
well, I cannot describe how disgusting I feel lately. ED wants to worm his way
into my soul…
I feel like the binging is out of control. It is not fun.
And I am tired of it. I talked to my doctor and consulted people IN recovery
who I trust and they said it might definitely be due to my medication I take
for anxiety, OCD, and depression.
The truth is, it is time for me to be honest. Because in
this society, eating a friggin cupcake is looked at as being horrendous for
women to do. Because “it will go straight to your hips…” Well I feel like I
have been on auto-pilot and just want this empty whole in my stomach to go away…but
it doesn’t no matter what I put in, no matter how many cupcakes I freaking eat.
And then boom! All of a sudden I feel so full I just want to crawl in a hole
and hibernate or die... I vow to not let it happen again…and then it does…the
very next day. This stupid cycle is getting so old…and I want off this shit
show band wagon.
I have so many feelings towards myself: Angry, sad,
disappointed, disgusted, confused, tormented…In church we were learning about
the “STAKES” we have that we feel tied to. My body, food, how much I eat…don’t
eat…exercise, it is ALWAYS there. Having an eating disorder, that probably
makes sense. I know it is much more than that…but for right now I am completely
and utterly…lost? Disappointed…disgusted…
~So UPDATE~ I wrote this literally three days ago. Today…I
am feeling better. I think for me…talking about this…exposing the thoughts and
feelings is crucial. For so long now I have been hiding the way I have been
feeling because my Eating Disorder didn’t want me to.
“You are an anorexic! How dare you binge…you cannot let
anyone know…otherwise you will look weak and disgusting.”
Yep, thanks ED. That got me nowhere but shoveling chocolate
covered anything down my throat in secrecy…then wishing I could purge it. Thank
God I didn’t go down that rabbit hole. But I know it could lead to there. And I
just had a very good friend of mine have to have a feeding tube inserted
because they ripped their esophagus. This shit kills. And my pride will kill
me. It will keep me trapped in the mindset that I am undeserving of help…of
saying what I am TRULY struggling with…of opening my mouth and saying I CANT
any longer. The truth is, my ED wants me to shut my mouth and only open it to
allow poisonous lies in. Well I am tired of it. And I don’t want to listen to
his voice in my head any longer. Because it is painful and defeating and
ultimately withholds me from my main goal and purpose in life: Bringing joy to
others~ Loving on them as we are told to do so in Luke chapter 10, which I am
reading through with a wonderful friend of mine. What good is it if I partake of
the Scriptures and stop there? The Lord wants me to apply it to my life. To
live out the commandments in His Word. My sinful nature wants to pretend I am
fine…that I can love other people and never ask for anything in return. But
that will kill me. It is time to accept that I cannot attain my expectations of
perfect and allow the only One who is perfect to wash over me with His grace
and mercy. No longer do I need to sit in shame and silence. It is time to get
back to the core basics. And thank God for friends who have been there and are
helping me through it. Amazing how your life is not so ‘unique’ when you
actually open up and allow yourself to be vulnerable! SO! Here I am baring it
all. I have the pleasure of being in a best friend’s wedding this May. I am
already dreading having to go pick up the dress and try it on…because I know
what my head will tell me. But how selfish is that? I am pretty sure this day
is for her! And I guarantee that over three-fourths of the women in America
dislike trying on clothes as well. So I will suck it up. I will bring support.
I will venture forth. Because the joy of life is too great now to dim it with
this damn ED. My hair is growing, my nails are strong, my body can do anything
on a daily basis that I require of it. God has given me a new chance at life…and
I will be damned if I let any little thing like a medication and some number on
a scale determine what trajectory my life goes towards.
“It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the
journey that matters, in the end.” Ursula K. LeGuin
