I knew this was going to happen. I knew it was something I was going to have to face.
I just did not think I would feel this bad.
My mother and I are best friends- soul sistas- kindred spirits.
We also suffer from the same disease
And she is my relapse waiting to happen.
Thus, in the last five months, I have done a lot of work around separating these two twisted, enmeshed, contorted lives and acknowledging that I am not my mother-my mother is not me. I do not have to become my mother though we share the same genes. I can choose not to participate in the activities she engages in that are not beneficial to my recovery.
I am my mother's daughter, but I am not my mother's keeper.
This is really hard for me. I look up to my mother. I LOVE my mother. I would take a bullet for her.
Co-dependent? oooh ya baby :/
I also have a hard time looking at my mother these days- as I have just grown bigger, she seems to be dissipating into the vapor of no return- "Ana"
For many who suffer with Ana, their greatest fear is becoming fat. I must admit, it terrifies me. A lot. Vain, I know. I cannot justify it, or wish it away.
But there is a concern that runs deeper than the blood that courses my veins:
The fear of losing my mother to this insidious disease. The fear that I have impacted my brothers or anyone else in a negative way.
I cannot control my mother. I cannot anticipate or worry what will happen to her or others. All I can control is my actions to situations. So when my mother and I have a lovely discussion and I state my boundaries and she gets pissed, I have to keep on. I can't starve away the guilt, I can't take my anger out on the situation by running my body into the ground. I acknowledge that she is angry. That it is my words that caused her this pain. But I also play back the tape. Was what I said respectful? I own what I own and leave the rest. So instead of letting ED get the best of me, I get my hair dyed with my brother's girlfriend and rest in the peace that God knows. He is omniscient and all-powerful. I have no power over my mother. Just like she has no power over me anymore. And just like ED is slowly losing power over me.
