During my time in Arizona in Intensive Inpatient, the facility thought it would be "fun" to give the patients there dessert challenge twice a week...on top of our already monumental meal plans.
I can still see it now- Patients shuffling slowly through the cafe line with panic stricken looks plastered onto their faces.
Only here in an eating disorder treatment facility is eating a dessert, something that is meant to be enjoyed, the equivalent to drinking a vat of poison- a cruel and unusual form of torture. We thought the world would end once the first bite touched our quivering lips.
Needless to say, I am still alive:) The dessert did not kill me. But it is sad for me to admit that I am still very wary of challenging myself to venture out of my safe zone- my meal plan. To go over my designated and "recommended" amount of food is mind blowing to me. It freaks me out......
So the other night my dad, my friend, and I all decided to grab dinner on our way back from a dietitian's appointment I had in Spokane. The appointment went longer than I had anticipated and it was already past dinner time so it was suggested that we stop and grab some grub.
Immediately my heart rate went up-
1. I was going to have to eat...period.
2. I was going to have to eat out....
3. I was going to have to eat out in front of other people
Dang...this recovery thing is challenging..:/
THEN came the business of trying to figure out where the hell we could go~ We finally decided on The Ugly Asian Fish Bistro where my friend works at (and gets a discount!:)
I enjoy sushi...I really do. However, I eat the sushi that is strictly rice and fish. Other human beings are bored by this combo (I cannot fathom why:) and enjoy getting enticing and flavorful dishes and sushi combos.
They scare me.
So we got three different kinds and I very mindfully tried the other two kinds....and yes, decided I enjoy my boring sushi still :)
So dinner went OK without any major mishaps or breakdowns on my part (even though my chopstick skills were sketchy at best.)
I'm all set and good to go....and then the lovely waitress comes and offers us the dessert options. Oh shit...now I feel like I'm simultaneously having a heart attack, my face is on fire, and I just may faint.
Of course my dad and bestie each order a lovely dessert and when it comes out they thoroughly enjoy it, making orgasmic moaning sounds of pure happiness.
Internally, I feel like I'm having a lobotomy. I could moan and cry and beat my fist on the ground with angst. :/
They offer me some...ED yells at me..
"Don't you dare you fat cow!"
Recovery:
"Just one bite won't kill me. I have not done a dessert challenge for months and it would be good to try it. Plus, I did not meet all my needs at dinner."
ED: "Ummm you met your fat needs faaaaar beyond what you need girl. Give it up piggy."
I shut my eyes and try a bite. Yep, I did it.
ED was not happy. He tried to pull all sorts of crap on me...The whole, oooooh now you have done it! You
in a zillion pounds now that you are completely out of control!
Or..you should really go running tomorrow now to compensate for that dinner and dessert.
SKIP YOUR BEDTIME SNACK YOU FATTY!
All these things were running through my mind. So what did I do? My friend and I headed over to my bestie's house and sat and visited with her late into the night. No running, no starving- just healthy distraction with those who love me and don't care what I look like.
I just wish I could not care what I look like....Some day...Some day I hope ED will be barely a whisper...
Someday I hope I can try a bite of cake...Have my cake and eat it, too. Maybe some day~
