OK...Need to vent...about this...FRIGGIN DAY :/ ya...that good~
E.D. is really in my face today...I have tried utilizing all my wonderful "coping mechanisms" I found during rehab....But I need to do something with this cause I'm sitting here thinkin' I should just not eat tonight..or tomorrow...or ever again really. And that's when I know its time to whip out the big guns...my readers who will pray for me~
K. So~ First off, I woke up this morning feeling like I got hit by a truck. Oh, wait...I did...yesterday. In the mall parking lot by a lady who I guess does not believe in looking both ways. Ya....ouch.
Despite a few weird lumps, bumps, cuts, bruises, blood and swelling...I think Im ok...
However, I took it easy...ish today and that immediately made me feel lazy...So ED was like heeeey you are just sitting around...reading and not moving around alot...so why do you NEED to eat snacks...pssshhh snacks are for athletes...not a sloth like youuuuuuu. Ugh.....
Then, my lovely brothers, brother's girlfriend and I all went to hang out at the mall today. Yes, the same mall I got hit by the truck on my bike at yesterday. Well, while walking to the mall, I slipped on the turf cause i was wearing stupid but oh so pretty flip flops that have zero traction capabilities apparently. Fell. RIGHT into a thorn bush...stopped myself with the same hang I slammed yesterday..so if it wasn't broken before...it sure as hell is now. :/ Annnnnd I'm still picking thorns out of my arm which now resembles raw hamburger meat....I could give Ben Herr a run for his money after his wicked chariot crash...
My parents had "counseling" today...which means they are just deciding when they will sign the papers that will be living proof that our family is now officially broken. It's all said and done but the signatures...My hopes of a somewhat normal family of five will forever be a fairytale I only read about it books that are...FAKE.
I went for a bike ride tonight on my brother's bike cause my tire is F-ed up thanks to yesterday's mishap. My brother's bike seat is....impressively painful. Im pretty sure I fried my ovaries from the countless years of starving myself, but if I didn't and there was any hopes I may still have been fertile....well that bike seat took care of it.... YOUCH
I don't know what hurt more though...the bike seat...or the fact that on my journey I caught my dad running. Yep, running. Now...he is entitled to do whatever the hell he wants to do. His life. However, we have had countless discussions about how he just walks and thinks walking is better than running cause its easier on the knees and how its ok that I dont run anymore...cause neither does he and he is healthy as a horse. Well I kinda wanted to beat a horse...right in the friggin schnoz when I saw him just a-joggin down the bike path towards me. No, dad. You are not a hypocrite. I am not saying that...but obviously...I am not stupid...or blind cause I saw you tonight...and that was not a walk...or a fast brisk trot. That would be what we call running....please don't be dishonest and tell me that all you do is walk. Cause that is a load of crap.
And that is what I feel like right now. A big LOAD OF CRAP. My body is crap. Im just flabbbbbbby crap.
Im friggin sick of eating 6 friggin times a day. I hate food. I hate that I can't do ANYTHING without feeling that I am on Big Brother, my every move being watched. I hate that I can't run. I hate my meal plan.
I hate FRIGGGGGIN ED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So yes...I pause and wonder..hmm so I wonder why I am having all these ED thoughts right now...
I H.A.L.T, an acronym I learned in treatment...
Am I hungry...um HECK NO I FRIGGIN EAT 6 TIMES A FRIGGIN DAY!!!! AHHHHHHH
khjfjkkdchkjngklhjkdljpsoitjerhjdkfghdhfgkjd;nbmhgtyus
Am I angry...YES IM ANGRY!
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Am I lonely....
what! Me? Lonely...Miss oh its a homeless person..Be my friend?? Oh too much..yeppers I'm lonely...
And lastly am I tired...
beyond tired.
so I score four out of five..great...on top of this LOVELY day...:/
And I have to friggin work tomorrow....LORD HELP ME NOT TO PUNCH MY L.O.D IN THE FACE
Ok..I'm done...really I'm done venting...
This blog should come with a warning sign...especially for the part about my heiny being in pain..sorry....to all those who were scarred....
Im going to go watch some Snookie off of Jersey Shore..cause ima load a crap that watched crap like that to make my brain shut up. :/
