I guess you could say that I am a perfectionist.
Ok..that is a minimization. If you look up the word perfectionist in the dictionary..my picture would be right there, with big vertical slashes covering it. 'Cause I SUCK at the whole "perfect" thing.
I HAD to do everything perfectly- school, work, relationships, my faith, my body. I placed this strict criteria on myself, like a crown of poisened thorns. It was my own cross to bear. No one else needed to be perfect for me. I did not wish that on anyone. But for myself- it was all I would accept.
I knew God would love me if I were not perfect. My parents would still maybe love me (though my childhood sent nothing but contrary messages to that statement). Ultimately it came down to me: Could I love msyelf? Could I love the flawed human being that remains when the day was said and done? When I was broken, bleeding, and bruised, crying on the hard, cold floor- desperately searching for that magic pill to take the shame and guilt away- to erase all the horrible things I have done. I was searching for something...anything to distract me. From myself, my fears, my screw ups and weaknesses. From having to accept and admit that I am not perfect.
There is one task I am grateful I could not perform perfectly- the perfection of "Ana", my eating disorder.
Or else I would be dead.
I suddenly became aware that I no longer had control of my eating disorder- It had control over me. It was time for help. The last five months have been a series of "AHA!" moments for me as I begin this business of recovery~
1. I AM NOT PERFECT
2. NO BODY IS
3. Perfection can only be found in one person-GOD! And I have been minimizing the glorious gift He has bestowed upon the world- His Son, Jesus Christ, whom God sent to take away the sins of the world. He placed them on His PERFECT body and had them nailed to the cross. He took my sin, shame, and wrongdoings away, preventing me from having to suffer the same death He did. So why am I STILL crucifying myself slowly instead of just accepting that it was already done. It is finished.
Because I AM NOT PERFECT. Because I am a flawed human being who cannot comprehend that my Higher Power loves me- maladies and all. I am enough, just the way I am. No matter what size I am, what letter grades turn out to on that transcript, or how many jobs are listed on my resume. God loves me the same today as He did when I was born and had not accomplished A THING in this world, but pooped, ate, and cried. (HECK! I still feel that is ALLLL I DOOO!! HAHA)
And He will love me the same when I die and return to Him when the time comes.
To Him I am enough.
