My brother and I went shopping today at the mall. I love spending time with my brother and shopping is one thing that we enjoy doing together. It joins two completely different lives and souls together, as brother and sister. It brings us together and gives us some common ground to share.
While I peruse the sweats and over sized t-shirts, he prods me to try on flowy tank tops and airy summer dresses- Not as "safe" as the sweats, but outfits that will not be too triggering either.
The dressing room is right up there with hell in my perspective.
Long, full body mirrors and shady lighting with sketchy doors that don't shut all the way. I slowly enter into the pits of despair where I "resume the position"(Quickly turned away from the mirror to try on the clothes as quickly as humanly possible yet slow enough NOT to hang myself with all the straps and impale myself with buckles and what not). I then crack the door open a smidgen to show no one else but my brother what my new body looks like in the clothes that are now a MUCH different size than they were five months ago. My brother is non-judgmental. He either squeals in delight or gives it the thumbs down. No comments, no questions, no mocking. I quickly tear off the clothing and replace it with the clothes before, quickly leaving the room. I wish I could leave ED's mocking voice behind there as well.
" Look at ALLLLL this flesh and fat you have put on...woooooo boy...yep, that is one flabbbbby lady there. Mmmmhmmm get a good view of that disgusting-ness."
"Shut the hell up." Some day, I would love to be able to try clothes on without wanting to curl up into a ball and cry. To not give a hoot about how "that" pair of jeans fits differently than just the day before. I want to twirl around, stick my tongue out, and blow off the voice that taunts me mercilessly every time I pass by a reflective surface.
I want to be able to shout:
"FEAST YOUR EYES LOVAAAAAS!!!!!" and feel ok with me.
I don't know if that day will ever come. But for now, I tell myself that I am God's girl...His creation, Made in HIS image. So when I get down on myself for sportin' a booty and "love" handles..(by the way who the HELL made up that name for them..LOVE...HAAAA...bite me...) I will keep that chin up-
"For I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works." Psalm 139:14 <3
