In my disease, I had many rules for myself. Listed below are three I clung to.
1. Food=BAD
2. ME=BAD
3.Running, not eating, no sleeping=GOOD
Little did I know that these rules do not sustain life.
2nd semester of Sophomore year is where it all came to a head.
1. I have moved eight times in my life. The hardest move transpired my senior year of high school. Then again when I moved to my college town.
2. My parents separated. My view of marriage forever shattered.
3. I fucked up every relationship I was in. With men, with my friends, with my family- with God.
4. I was so sick and in my disease I had to pull out of school. I would not graduate in four years with my friends. I had failed.
5. I was miserable. Despised myself. Had no idea what the hell I was doing in life. I was powerless over my disease. My addiction. And my life had become unmanageable.
I had wished to become invisible. Be careful what you wish for..you just might get it. I wish I could go back in time and tell that ten year old little girl who had just been told she was fat, that her worth was based on a number, and that she was nothing if you couldn't see bone. If you did not sweat. If you did not bleed. I wish I could have a re-do.
February 17, 2011 I got a chance to have somewhat of that desired re-do.
February 17, 2011 I entered into an Eating Disorder intensive inpatient facility in Arizona.
April 17, 2011 flew to California to continue my treatment in a less intensive facility.
June 24, 2011 returned home to my beautiful family and friends who love me and support me no matter my size, weight, or image. This is my journey. My New Journey.
R.I.P. ED
