For those who know me, I am named after the season winter. There are several things that are ironic with this statement.
1. I was born in Floria
2. It WAS my parents favorite season for a short time, but now thanks to record breaking snowfalls where we live, they have had their fill of the snow and thus, the season.
3. I hate the cold.
I cannot tolerate it. No seriously. For the last five years of my life, I have been freezing with no hopes in getting warm. No many how many layers I wore or blankets I wrapped my body in, I was chilled to the bone. No amount of tea could warm my innards. I was constantly covered in goose bumps.
No, I don't live in the Arctic Tundra. I wasn't subjected to any overwhelmingly cold climates in those five years. The truth is, it was my fault! I subjected myself to years filled with misery and mystifying self-harm that only I could understand. It was I who held on to my eating disorder.
For years I was fighting a losing battle no one could see on the outside- it was all in my head. I was David trying to stone a Goliath, my eating disorder. The problem was, I thought I could beat down this demon by myself, with my own strength, without the help of anyone. I couldn't understand why Goliath just kept getting bigger and louder in my head as I progressivly grew weaker and weaker. What I did not understand is David didn't slay the giant- God did. But I didn't want God's help. In fact, I didn't want anyones help. I wanted to be invisible. Inconspicuous. A small whisper in an immense crowd.
"Drown me out," I beg. My inner self is a stark contrast. I crave your praise. I seek your acceptance. I need to know that I am noticed and not only liked, but loved. This side of me is selfish I have been told. It never got what it needed as a little girl. The two parents could not be there for me in the way that little girl needed. So in order to shut up that little girl who was screaming for a voice, searching for recognition- I starved her.
