Birthday weekend

Birthday weekend~

The wonderful family I am staying with here in Montana drove me all the way to Idaho so I could see my family before my birthday this last weekend! We left Friday, hit up my dietitian in Spokane and had a checkup and blood drawn in Hayden.

Friday night went nothing like I was anticipating. After a nice dinner with the family, I returned home and had a very rough conversation with my parents which literally left me in the fetal position. Since I have been here in Montana there has been no “progress” made. Basically, to my dad that just means gaining weight. Gag. Thus, he threatened that if I don’t start moving up in numbers (again SHUTTER) he will force me back into rehab. What a nice thing to surprise your daughter with on her birthday. Can’t you just get me a card like any other person would? UGH

My heart is broken. And I am angry and stubborn. I need prayer. That ED stays out of my head these two weeks and allows me to surrender myself to what I am to do here. I am scared. I am disgusted with myself and the thought of gaining weight is utterly repulsive to me. I believe I am repulsive and huge. I don’t understand how anyone can see otherwise.

The rest of the weekend was filled with seeing friends- which included seeing my friend Jordan who I met one year ago, to the day! He surprised me from Tacoma and came and visited me for my birthday! How blessed I am! Such a blessing to see him and his inspirational face!

The Lord got us home safely and though it was a challenging trip, God is always good. He always has a plan. I just pray to God that I am allowed to remain here in the comfort of the mountains to heal, instead of being forced to undergo the awful process of treatment yet again. Anger fills my being as I realize that it was me who allowed myself to get to this spot again. I am so disappointed in my weakness. But in the weakness now I hope to be willing. Willing to do what it takes to stay here. Thank you all for your continued prayers~ They are needed now more than ever!  <3

Update from MONTANA~

I have been here about a week now in beautiful Montana staying with this wonderful family. I wake up every morning to smiling faces, beautiful mountains, and a warm wood stove greeting me~
What a gift it is to be shown all these skills I was never given the opportunity of learning growing up from two busy parents. My little "mommy" here has been keeping me busy by giving me lots of options and activities to do during the day: Kids church, babysitting, chores- which she hardly gives me :/ , bible studies, devotions, painting, scrap booking, cooking, etc. She has been amazing! She is even teaching me how to play the piano!  The Mr. has been teaching me backgammon and Dutch Blitz! I get to hang with my old friend here, too when she is not busy working, making bank!
It has been an amazing blessing! Recovery has been good...not easy mentally....but I am following a meal plan (amazing!) and ONLY doing the amount of activity I have been limited to....which has been freaking TORTUROUS!! But I know if I keep acting out it wont get me anywhere...sigh. Such a mental battle.
So the question has now been posed...Do I go back home and try to maintain this good "Streak" or do I stay with this family who has, by the grace of God, offered me to continue staying with them. I want to do whats best for recovery, my family, for this family...Ugh. I don't know WHAT I am supposed to be doing with my life..what the "right" answer is. I am so black and white and I live in this gray world.So how do I adapt now that all my vices are gone? Still learning...still growing...still trying to hang in there- taking one day at a time. It is amazing the love and kindness I have been shown here, how showered with prayer I am.
 I am so blessed. Yet, I feel so guilty and undeserving and can only say THANK YOU.
If my readers have thoughts on all of this, your input is more than welcome :) <3
God bless you today!

MONTANA~

I have been in Montana three days...
I feel like I have gained 30 pounds since I have been here. ED is yelling and screaming and KICKING me. WHAT am I doing? WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING sitting down? Eating that food? NOT running? Not taking care of your family at home? What are you doing intruding on this wonderful family's home? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
1. I'm not doing ANY activity~ I sit..alllllll day. :/
2. I'm eating. I'm following a meal plan. And its scary.
3. I am being loved on by so many people.
4. I'm scared and terrified and KNOW that my body is changing and freaking out. I don't know WHAT it is going to do or look like in a week...let alone tomorrow...but for some reason...being here in Montana with all this love and support and my friends around me is helping...slowing....quieting the noise.
I know I don't want to die. And without change I would have. So I am here. NOT at home where I was free to act out. Yes, in one aspect of my mind I'm a failure. I'm scared. ED tells me I will become fat, disgusting.
But on the other side, I'm safe. I have some structure. I have people who care about me here to love on me...
I feel so blessed and honored. I don't know whyyyy they are putting up with me, why they are so nice and kind to me when I have done nothing to deserve it. It is just such a wonderful testimony to God and his love for us in sending his Son Jesus to us. I am touched, moved, amazed. My iced over heart is slightly unthawing. My crazy brain slightly slowing. With each day (and trust me its minute by minute one day at a time) I keep challenging myself. I keep moving forward. Keep breathing. Keep hoping and putting my faith in those around me. Today, I will look to the GORGEOUS mountains and be grateful that I am alive. That I am here. And that God has a plan. I have NO idea what that plan is...but I will sit in this silence, this uncertainess, this scary place that my brain is in right now...and trust that it can only get better:) Grateful <3

Off to Montana~

I feel as though I am slothing through a bog of the thickest, most grotesque slime you could possibly imagine.
Every day just seems like this epic battle in my head. I feel utterly useless as I sit around at home and try to preoccupy my tortured mind. I hear nothing but the insane shriekings of Satan that comes in the form of my ED. Forever telling me that I am a disgusting, filthy, fleshy, fat freak who deserves nothing more than what I have coming to me- DEATH. 
The voices are so much louder when I am not acting out...and this past week has been absolute hell. I want to run, scream, smash something, pound my head into a wall do ANYTHING to make it stop. So stop thinking about food. Weight. What a disappointing lazy slug I am. No work. No school. What am I? A life sucking flea that only makes everyone around them miserable. I feel even though I am making these HUGE steps (no running, more food) it goes unnoticed. Accept by ED who is FREAKING out. My mind and the voices are equivalent to a horror movie with people insanely screaming 24/7. It is disgusting.
I am going to visit good friends in Montana for a week or two to see if ANYTHING helps. I don't know why they are willing to take me in, I feel like such a burden...I cannot believe how blessed I am to have this offer to come and have a routine- something to do. Maybe it will help? I don't know...but I do know I am desperate. For any sort of relief right now. And tearing my hair out and bashing my head against the wall is probably not the best solution. This off to beautiful Montana I go~ All of your prayers and thoughts have and are appreciated! I am utterly spent. But I will continue to try to put one foot in front of another while wading through this haze. I cant see where I'm going. There is no light and I'm blindly stumbling along. I cant feel anything anymore. I'm emotionally unavailable. Checked out. I cling to the only thing I have left~ YOUR support and words of encouragement. THANK YOU

Terrified....

So now that I have accepted that I cannot stay in this place, that I am tired of being sick and tired, my treatment team and I are discussing my options.
1. Inpatient
2. I do this...I really do this. I eat. And NOT run.
And 3. IM TERRIFIED. I know logically in order to reverse this process the lengths it takes to get there. I know logically I have to eat food. And not run. And allow my body to GAIN WEIGHT (ughhhhhhhhh)
In a world and society that pushes losing weight EVERYWHERE, hearing those words or USING them- GAIN WEIGHT just equals failure in my distorted head. I feel disgusting. I think I look fine. No one says anything...so why do I need to gain weight? I suck. Why should I be allowed food?
All I know is I am terrified. I don't know what a "normal" person eats in a day. I am afraid I have shot my metabolism. So I am so scared of eating normally...of trying to eat more for that matter. Of food and my body...in general!
I am terrified... But going BACK to inpatient is also mortifying...even admitting that I'm back to thinking about that option is so revolting to me. I let everyone down. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE STRONG. I AM SUPPOSED TO HAVE MY LIFE TOGETHER. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE RECOVERED. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM? All I know is I am disappointed in myself beyond words. And now terrified to take any steps forward. :/

When I can't find the words....

I am engrossed. Entrenched. Trapped. Tormented. Stuck. Encased. Unable to move. Tired, weak, lethargic. Simply trying to hold onto the last bits of energy before I end my day. Secluded. Isolated. Depressed.
How do you know when you have had enough? When you are at your edge? When your time has come? When you give up~ What is your "rock" bottom?
For many addicts, alcoholics, drug users etc. a number of things can send them into remission. They run out of money, get kicked out of their living space, a loved one leaves them. Health complications. Death?
I don't fear death. Maybe that is my problem. I don't care enough about this shell that I occupy to give it a second thought. DEATH- not a word I think too much about.
Here is another word I have a hard time spitting out~ RELAPSE. When released in July, I thought recovery would be simple. Swift. Endless. This time, I told myself, I will NOT fail.
I have not been honest. I have not been truthful. I have sheltered everyone. Lying. Pretending. Faking that all was well and I was OK. While secretly having a passionate love affair with the devil~with my eating disorder. And now I must be honest with not only you and others, but with myself. My hands are tied. I allowed myself to become his slave. I RELAPSED. I failed. I am back to where I was a year ago. And I shake my head in utter disgust with myself. This is what it has come to.
I didn't think it was that bad. Sure, my parents kept saying shizz like "you look bad." well...I think I look like a heinous fat monster. so....
And noone else notices. Noone else says I look "bad" (as in too thin.) But here is the truth- it wont be enough for me ever. There is no THIN ENOUGH in my eyes. And as much as it pains me to know that I DESPISE the way I look now and others dont even notice...Im beginning to wonder if the pain and agony I am feeling locked in this disease is worth it anymore.
Now I face my options once more- stop what I am doing and take the steps needed towards recovery or...to be honest DIE. I believed I was invincible. I thought I could just do this forever. But this last week has been eye opening. Something has shifted. I can feel death on my shoulder, its cold, icy fingers clenching my heart- seeping into my bones.
When I was 13 years old I have vivid memories of playing M.A.S.H with my best friends~ Not a care in the world, besides who I end up marrying on this fake sheet of paper of course! I had so many hopes, so many plans, so many dreams of where I wanted to be when I was 18-19-20 years old. A singer/songwriter? An actress? College! Dating! Married? Where am I now? Spent my 19th birthday in rehab. Live at home. No job. No school. My life revolves around this- ED. And now it could take the one last miserable thing I have left- my existence. My very life.
I feel I have let everyone down. My family and friends should be ashamed. I have pushed everyone away as I have dug myself into this shallow grave. Sometimes I think it would be better off to die...to spare everyone from my crazy, ugly messed up self. I was supposed to be the good example for my younger brothers. I am supposed to have my life ironed out...well at least be able to care for myself properly. I am disappointed with myself, to say the least. It just adds to this cycle.
I don't really know what to say...or where to go from here. So I take today as it comes...one step at a time. This is not the blog entry I WISH I was writing, but it is one that must be written. I thank you all for your love and support, though I truly cannot fathom how anyone can stand me at this point. GOD bless~

Weary~

Visited with my lovely friend this morning and saw the concern in her eyes. Felt the tears tingling the back of my own throat. I feel the emptiness. The aching. The intense longing and suffering. I come to realize just how weary and drained I am. This shell that I have become. Only taking. Never giving. This lifeless zombie. Sucking the spirit out of life. Trying desperately to cling to something while falling off this cliff. Not slipping. Flying down it with intense velocity.Screaming. Kicking. Poison. Dripping down my throat, clinging to every fiber of my structure. Tainting everything I touch. In everything I do. Addicted. I want to stop. I really do. I see your face, read your heart. Hear the words. I wish I could do it for you. But alas, I am forever trapped in this vicious self-sabotaging escapade. And I realize just how truly tangled up I am. I hate this body. I hate the monster I see in the mirror. I want to feel anything good. Let the warmth seep into my lifeless, cold veins. Purple. Black and blue. Black. White. Where is the gray? Where is the middle ground between death and life? Recovery? It seems impossible. This feat feels too great to take on. My back is breaking from the weight of it all. The lifeless, weightless burden I carry. This monkey on my back. Strangling me. Gagging me. GET OFF. Get away from me Satan. I want rest. Peace. Quiet. Life. So weary.