Indiana Jones

  
   Last night in process group at IOP, a gentleman shared a glimpse of his perspective with us on recovery~ For me, not only could it relate to recovery, but any decision going on in every day life that requires trust, faith and courage~
He and his friend were walking down the street when they encountered his friend's daughter- an addict, homeless, and hopeless consuming her first meal of the day, gummy worms, in the heat of the late afternoon. Her mother, understanding all that entails, suggested she go to the hospital and ask for help, knowing they would take her in immediately and help her get well. Her daughter replied, "It's just not that simple."   From an outsider’s perspective, it IS just that simple mechanically. And it can be very frustrating for the person watching us going through our struggles (eating disorder, alcohol, gambling, relationships, drugs etc.) when we do not accept their advice.

   But to the inward self conflicted with addiction, this concept is much easier said than done. As much as we wish desperately that we could ‘just stop,’ IT has become the only way we know how to survive. We are stuck between a rock and a hard place. We logically  understand we will die if we keep doing what we are doing, but we feel that if we cease our behaviors...we will die. Damned if we do, damned if we don't. Thus, our first step towards seeking recovery and trying to take the steps necessary towards helps is like this scene from the third movie in the Indiana Jones series. He is trying to retrieve the Holy Grail and before him is a massive precipice, deterring him from his goal- this prized possession. To the viewers eye, we can see the path laid out before him and know it is safe to step out. But to Mr. Jones, it looks unfathomable. It would seem to him that if he steps off this cliff into the chasm, he will plunge to his death. Yet, he knows he must trust that to successfully get to the other side, he must take that first leap of faith.
   This step of faith is all too familiar to us humans we venture out into life and live each day, beginning our journey EVERY morning striving towards our goal~ the Holy grail of LIFE, This life we hear is promised with sobriety and serenity. This life we read in books and is described to us by our sponsor and friends who have trudged this road before us. The choice then becomes ours to take in EVERY situation we face in life. Will we take the leap of faith and trust there is an outside force protecting our well-being? Will we stay stagnant, paralyzed by our fear of change, unable to move, until we are finally caught by our fast-approaching demons and slaughtered? Or will we stop abruptly, turn around, and cower in our corner and hide? Staying captive to our greatest fears.
   Today, I choose to face the fear. Life…trust me it is not all rainbows and butterflies. But it is better than death. And my worst day in recovery is still better than my best day in my addictions.

~Journey on, brave one. There will be solice in the end.


 

 

 

Mother's Day~

This morning during my daily A.A. meeting, the speaker was talking about fear, doubt, and resentment. Another woman shared on her study of the Four Agreements~
"Be Impeccable With Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love."
I began reflecting upon how I speak to myself. And it struck me how cruel I am. How perturbing my dialogue truly is to my inner child. I thought about how I would speak to a little girl, my own child-thank God I don't have mini Me's running around the world :O But if I did, how would I treat her? The same way I treat myself? Calling her fat, worthless, disgusting, and broken. Would I tell her she was a mistake and a failure and that she won't be able to do anything right in life?
The thought made me queasy. That is not how my mother treated me, and I HOPE and pray to God that no child has to hear those words come out of ANY ONES mouth, especially their own mothers!
I would treat my child with unconditional love and understanding~ I would hold her and wipe her tears away, comfort her when she was fearful, and whisper how much I loved her.
Is that how I am treating myself? Um...not even close. But it definitely made me think. We accept the love we feel we deserve. We treat people how to treat us. We get back what we put out into the world. What am I putting out? A mousy, victimized aura? Or a strength and courageousness that could only come from one place: My higher power~

Happy mother's day to all the mom's. And to my belly button mom who loves me unconditionally and has supported me through thick and thin~ I would not be where I am today without all of you~ <3

Ten Warning Signs

My avid yet futile search for a job finally provided me with an interview this morning. I finally received a phone call on Friday afternoon which I quickly answered even though I was in programming. (Bad llama.) I was so enthused to hear that a place wanted me to come in for an interview! I absent mindedly wrote down their phone number and address on my hand. Then I was swept away to more groups about feeling feelings and handeling emotions and kicking ED in the face yadda yadda yadda. By the end of the day I got home and remembered, "OH YA! I need to google where this place is!" And then I realized...
1. That all I knew about it. It was a place...that I had applied to. That wanted to interview me. For the job that I apparently had applied for. At this place. THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE IT IS OR HOW I PERTAIN TO IT. shiz.
2. I had washed my hands and completely removed all evidence of the number and address that was written on me prior to this moment.
3. Um...ya...about this job business...Really? *Inward Grown*
It is funny...I have been working since ten years old and LOVED making my own money. And everyone told me...oooo dont worry about work right now! And now people are telling me, YOU NEED TO FIND A JOB and I'm feelin' like...ya know I really like this time...this open space of nothingness that I am filling with things that I love. Like writing. And seeing friends. The ocean. Shopping. Being FREE to find me and get to know Winter. With all this t.i.m.e.
Time that will now be robbed by being enslaved to a desk.. To make money. Which will be spent on medical bills and rent and gasp...FOOD. Ugh. Why can I not have a money tree? Or instead of raining men, maybe it could just rain money?

But I digress. I come back to reality and grab my phone and locate the number that called me earlier that day and hit redial. Thank God for redial. Shiz. They are closed. So I jot down the info from their answering machine (which turned out to be um...WRONG and out-of-date) and dont think about it 'till Monday moring. Ok. I lie. I thought about it (actually dreaded it) all weekend...but ya know...denial is my middle name. Or a river in Egypt... I forget. So I get up this morning and pull on a skirt and try to look somewhat put together and wait for my friend to pick me up with the little guy she nannies for. I get into the car and begin to harness my inner mermaid as we sing "Part of That World." We pull up to the address I re-checked at 8am (opening) and low and behold~ THERE SHE BLOWS!~
But no seriously..it really blew.

****TEN WARNING SIGNS YOU SHOULDN'T WORK SOMEWHERE...LET ALONE PROLLY SET FOOT INTO THIS PLACE~*****
1. Green awnings....with big,white,awkward writing...and row upon row....of flashlights, lightbulbs, strobe lights...and all things "glowy" being sold inside by
2. Middle Eastern men. (NO. STOP. I'm NOT being racist here) but I'm pretty sure they had pictures of Saddam Hussein on the walls in their office....or Allah. Couldn't tell the difference. On the flip side...At least I would be required to stop 5 times a day to pray to Allah so I would definitely be able to get my snacks in to meet my meal plan requirements....kiddingggg kidding....:)
3. Does this mean I get to travel to Afghanistan/Pakistan/Iran/Iraq for the Christmas party?! Will their be a white elephant gift swap, I wonder? Will I GET an elephant!!! hmmm...note to self...DO NOT, I REPEAT~ DO NOT...fly there...travel separately...check.
4. I couldn't understand a word the dude who interviewed me said...Didn't even catch his name. Fail.
However, I could probably get away with answering the phone by saying,
"BUDDY THE ELF! WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?" every day and he wouldn't even know!
5. Dark cluttered messy desks. Panic attack just waiting to happen.
6. No benefits. 8-5 desk job. Minimum wage.
7. A teeny-tiny, yippy dog attacking my non-pants protected gams....I hate skirts...and small animals with claws upon bare legs.
8. "Are you afraid of dog?" Afghani man asks.
"No, not at all!" I reply as I try to shake the mangy mutt off my leg. Lying....
"What is his name?" I ask.
"Oliver," man grunts.
"Oh, so cute! My grandma has a Goldendoodle named Ollie!"
I think the man responded with "Dog's are smarrrrt." But he also could have said, "You smell like fart." so I am not positive....Like I said...thick accent....:/
9. Pretty sure it smelled like fart.
10. Seven minute interview...it took longer for me to brush my teeth and pull on the skirt in preparation for the interview than the actual commencement itself.

And that's the Dog'on truth!! ;)
Over n' out!
Winter G~

Love will always win~

     It is an overcast, windy morning today in California. And though the sun may not be peeking it's head out, it cannot stop the joy and gratitude I have flowing through my heart. As I sit reading my morning meditations on recovery, the May 5th reflection is perfect for what I am feeling and thinking~ Words from God to me on a page...He never ceases to amaze me.
     "Because we only strive for perfection, we recognize nothing less. We block our awareness of the ordinary successes that our our again and again. Thus, the serenity the program promises us eludes us. But we ARE succeeding. Each that that we are abstinent, we succeed. Many of us are taught that success only came in certain shapes and sizes. And we felt like failures. We need NEW definitions. It is time to discard these old definitions and embrace the new ones the program offers us."head.
     So often I get stuck on ruminating over my mistakes and character defects. The horrible conversation I just had with my dad. My financial insecurity and the stress of trying to make ends meet. The endless process of searching for employment. Body image. The millions of voices connected to all my "isms" running rampant in my crazy head. My brothers' struggles. What so and so are thinking of me. I want so much to own this place on earth that God has given me. To stand my ground, speak my truth, and release all fear and live boldly.
Yet, I feel so defeated when all my insecurities creep into the pores of my being and saturate my soul. cloud my vision. And control my actions and my day. But today this reading spoke to me and pulled the tape off of my mouth. I don't need a significant accomplishment to celebrate. I dont have to do anything spectacular. I get so stuck on being a human doing instead of a human BEING.
This morning I looked back at the small, yet monumental victories I had and realized they just happened. I didn't have to do anything to feel the sunshine on a warm day.The collectiveness of an A.A. meeting in which I was able to sit still in perfect serenity for 10 WHOLE minutes of mediation and not squirm around like a three year old ruminating on 101 things going on in my life or what I needed to do that day. A day by myself at the ocean, just sitting in the water and feeling the strength of the waves carry me away. Flying down the street on a road bike and having the strength and stamina I didn't have while under the tyranny of Ana. A call from a good friend. Plucking eyebrows (a talent of mine!) Holding a baby. A cup of decaf coffee. Talking to my little brother. The blessing of waking up every morning with gratitude. The ability to just be me and to laugh...and to cry. To speak my mind. To allow others in. To get hurt and to learn. To not wear makeup. To dress up for no reason. To be terrified yet peaceful at the same time. Because in just being, God will work all things out. 

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace,                                       that where there is hatred, I may bring love;
                         that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;

                             that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
                                  that where there is error, I may bring truth;
                                  that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
                                 that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
                                that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
                                that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
                 Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;
                                           to understand, than to be understood;
                                                 to love, than to be loved.
                                      For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
                                          It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
                                It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.

Namaste~

    

WISCONSIN~ A new chapter~

Here I am! Back in the Midwest where the dew point is hittin' 70% humidity and the air is so wet my straightened hair is immediately turned to a frizzled mess. The land is flat and glittered with the shiny domes of corn silos. Cows, bunny rabbits, chipmunks and farmers are plentiful.
The sky has been ominous the last few days, the mention of rain tricking us. My heart and emotions were swirling faster than the dark clouds as I departed Tuesday morning bright and early for Phoenix to fly out to Milwaukee. I had been in Arizona for five months fighting for my life- Fighting against this insidious and corrosive disease- anorexia. Finally, with health regained and the treatment team's approval, I was cleared to continue my journey outside of Capri. Where to go? Where to go? IOP was out of the question- insurance "conveniently" rolled over on July 1st which left me with a $3500 out of pocket deductible fee to pay if I enrolled in a formal IOP center somewhere. This sent my obsessive brain into a tailspin. Where to go? Where to go? Many a night I called my parents tormented about what next step to take. I consulted my treatment team over other options. I got on my knees and prayed that the Lord would open my eyes to whatever plan He had.
"Where to go, where to go?" I asked the Lord over again.
"Here into my arms," was His patient, calm answer to my panicking temperament.
For eight years I resided in Wisconsin where I spent my childhood free of addiction and filled instead with laughter. My entire extended family lives mostly here in Fond Du Lac. My Aunt is a recovered addict and also struggled with an eating disorder in points of her life. Later on, she decided to open up a sober living home to give back and reach out to girls struggling with alcoholism and dual-addictions.
It was here that God opened my eyes and her heart to. $90 dollars a week, close to Main Street and aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents it seemed like the perfect spot.
I talked it over with my team and we decided, let's do it~ So I made my flight reservation, crammed all my belongings in a paper towel box, said my goodbyes through tear filled eyes, and flew up to sticky Wisco on Tuesday. Once I stepped off that plane, my stormy heart was calmed by God's peace and the loving arms of my Aunt and Uncle who I am staying the week at until I check into the sober house.
Sunshine enveloped my soul. Trust me, I have moments where my heart clouds over...quite frequently actually. Food is hard. I spend my day by myself until my family returns from work at night. Ed gets in my head.
Skip this exchange. Don't eat your snack. You don't need this, you’re disgusting. P.I.G
But then I see the faces of my family- the small beautiful face of the 5 year old cousin I have NEVER met and I remember...I remember what I am fighting for. A small child of my own someday, perhaps. A life. Freedom. Happiness. And I push on.
I hear GODS voice overpower the perturbing voice of ED: "Into my arms little one. I am here."
For through HIM I can do all things. I can trust- that HE will provide my needs.
The rock I was given before I left Capri had the word "Miracles" inscribed on it. My journey has been a miracle. God continually places miracles in my life- My Aunt and Uncle who have taken me in- shelter, food, and support. It WILL take a miracle to find a job. To somehow financially support myself- with rent, food bills, and doctor's visits. But the Lord has gotten me this far. Through HIM I can do all things.
In my Bible I read this quote, “Living by faith is not easy, but it is essential. It is the only weapon for adversity that cannot fail."
Dorothy Kelly Patterson
One day at a time. Thank you for your support and continued prayers! I need all the help I can get~
YOU ARE ALL MY MIRACLES~

Independence Day

Fourth of July~
Hundreds of years ago this country was founded by the brave men who walked and died before us~ They fought to bring us freedom, equal opportunity, and the chance to live a life free of oppression from the forces of the British and the tyrannical rule of the King.
I spent my fourth of July in Arizona in treatment yet again for my eating disorder, a battle I have been fighting as long as I can remember. Today I am thankful-so very thankful for freedom. For the opportunity to live in a country that allows me to speak my opinion and use my voice without being condemned or punished for doing so. I am mostly grateful today, though, from my freedom today from ED. Yes, I have my good and bad days and still there are times I hear nothing but his conniving voice screaming in my head. I don't love my body on any terms. However, today I was able to go for my first walk in four months, properly nourish my body according to my dietitian, attend A.A. and fellowship with the men and women there, and have some fun and laughs with the women around me fighting the same fight everyday- the fight for our lives. The fight to overthrow our demons~ To kill ED. To declare independence from the scale, from the mirror, from the self defeating thoughts that take us down faster than any bullet or sword ever could. I stand today praising my Leader and Captain who has a whole militia of angels around me praying for me and supporting me. I am so very grateful for my friends and family who have been there for me every step of my journey.
This journey has been long~ 5 months and still counting. It ends here at Capri in two weeks. Where I will be heading on July 17th I am uncertain of still. But I know God will provide me with the finances and the means of doing so. He has gotten me this far and I know He has a plan for my continued recovery.
For all those who fought and died for me and for this country- thank you. To all those who have fought and prayed for me and my redemption- THANK YOU. And to my Higher Power who is freeing me every single day from the bondage of my addictions- THANK YOU~
Happy Independence Day~

Three~

Three is my favorite number~ I do mostly everything in three's. Don't know why...3 just speaks to me.
The Trinity. The Three amigos. The Three stooges~
THREE
I left for treatment three months ago. THREE. I can't believe how time has flown. All I know...is I am out here at Capri (the step down after intense inpatient where I resided for 9 weeks) and am so blessed and grateful to be ALIVE. I feel the sunshine. I feel the ground beneath me. I feel joy- fear-pain- love. Emotions. Things I pushed down and starved out in my disease. God is it hard. But God does it feel good. I feel human again. Winter is back~ And not the cold, bitter beast that invaded me before I awakened~
 The loving, laughing Winter I knew was underneath the bone-shaking cold and the numb appearance.
I got to live this weekend~ My daddy and his girlfriend Sherry flew down from Idaho JUST to see me this weekend. My daddy held me and told me he was proud of me. That he forgave me. And that he loved me. NOTHING could have felt better than that. I am so blessed to have a family who loves me and wonderful friends here and throughout my life, scattered around the country who I can count on.
And a Higher Power who I am forgiven by and who knows all the details~ Thank you GOD~
I wanted to share the letter I wrote when I arrived at Capri~ My letter to my eating disorder.~
Thank you all for your prayers~ Your thoughts~ Your unconditional love. I am living proof that there is a God and He can do miracles if we allow him to. AMEN~

               ~Goodbye Letter to Ed~ By Winter Groeschl~

ED:

We met when I was just a child. You began as a subtle whisper, your intoxicating and exciting fantasies of acceptance and love drew me in. We were immediately joined at the hip as you followed me around like a dark shadow. You knew my deepest secrets and my greatest fears. You then proceeded to take advantage of all I confided in you, stabbing me in the back with piercing daggers dripping with perfectionism, worthlessness, isolating, and self loathing. You took my precious innocence- my carefree childhood curiosity and tainted all I did. My once colorful world became engulfed in sickness, oozing with anxiety and fear. As our enmeshment progressed, your whispers heightened into blood curdling screams preventing any healthy thoughts to circulate into my convulsing brain. Tormented by you and you alone every second of every day- all 86,400 of them. I would crawl into bed and hide under the covers to try to drown you out, yet even when I was able to deceive the insomnia, your putrid images invaded my dreams.

            I felt such shame and disgust with myself and my body. You convinced me I was worthless, dispensable, and deserving of nothing but death. I believed that I was destined to remain a slave to you forever. Or until my very own hand would end the immense suffering.

            ED, I cannot, I WILL NOT, accept this disease as a part of me. I DO NOT equal you. The things I do in my disease are not definitive of who I, Winter, truly am. When I think of the things I have done while cohabitating with you, I am irate. I am ashamed. I have missed out on so much and caused so much pain, confusion, and discord in the lives of those that I love. I believed I needed to punish myself. I needed to starve the bad out of me. To beat my body of all the iniquities I had committed. To run off my feelings of self-loathing. I was running from me. The more weight I lost, the further I was from that 12 year old girl I was so ashamed of. My own flesh tormented me. It was not enough until I had hit bone. And even then you were still there, relentless. My attitude of stubbornness, perfectionism, and need for control drove me to insanity.

            Now I must learn to become fluid, like water. Flexible, wiling, and surrendered. Yet I keep returning to you. Taking back the power and handing it to you willingly, without hesitation. It makes me sick to think I keep trusting a vial creep like you. With your sick seductive lies wooing me back to you over and over. Your sweet promises of control, your voice beckoning me, trying to convince me that I need you. That you are all I deserve. “Only thinness cab equal acceptance and happiness,” your voice whispers. Your harsh tricks and murderous tactics of using the reflections around me to remind me again and again on the horrendous image of myself, me the monster that I see and feel.

            You gave me a sense of control when my world was in the midst of chaos, a coping mechanism for the stressors and fluctuations of life- a sense of accomplishment when I felt that engaging in your lifestyle was the only thing I was truly good at. You numbed my feelings and erased all emotions, the bad AND the good. You were my only friend when I had successfully pushed everyone else away. You allowed me to scream out HELP, using my body to communicate the pain I was in, when my mouth would not form the words. Verbalizing my needs and wants was too intimidating for me, thus my desperation manifested itself physically. However, this maladaptive way of living has taken its toll. You have shattered everything and left me broken, my life scattered in a million tiny pieces. And here I am trying franticly to glue the shards back together. The process is intensely painful and slow. I have blood all over my hands and torrents of tears escape from my eyes. Doubt and discouragement overwhelm me. Yet you underestimate me. I am a stubborn ass. I want healthy relationships with my family, friends, the outside world, my Higher Power, and MYSELF. Maybe in the future, a man who will love me in ways you NEVER could. I dream of finishing school and finding a fulfilling job that gives me that sense of accomplishment and purpose. My passion in life will now be to give back and help others overthrow your tyrannical reign, you disgusting filth. That is all I feel like with you- FILTH. I may have felt temporary feelings of power, but it is all a fallacy. If I stay with you, I would just acquire more shame and guilt, which I already have quite the collection of thank you very much.

            I am exhausted from remaining stuck in this cycle of self pity for years. All I can look forward to in staying with you is isolation and disconnect from the world, myself, and my Higher Power. Mental, emotional, and spiritual deterioration. And an inevitable, gruesome death. I lost myself. I don’t want to do it again. I am choosing to let go of you because I choose to feel my feelings- to take a risk- to encounter the chance that there is more to life than your lies and believe and trust that I am meant for more. Thus, I will be open, willing, and surrendered to my new best friend- my Higher Power. I am letting go. I am submitting to the plan God has for me. Plans to prosper me and and not harm me. Plans for a new and different future. So this is goodbye. I will not miss you. I will not shed a tear. I will not look back. Rot in hell and leave me and everyone else you prey one ALONE. How does it feel?

Sincerely NOT,

Winter~