Independence Day

Fourth of July~
Hundreds of years ago this country was founded by the brave men who walked and died before us~ They fought to bring us freedom, equal opportunity, and the chance to live a life free of oppression from the forces of the British and the tyrannical rule of the King.
I spent my fourth of July in Arizona in treatment yet again for my eating disorder, a battle I have been fighting as long as I can remember. Today I am thankful-so very thankful for freedom. For the opportunity to live in a country that allows me to speak my opinion and use my voice without being condemned or punished for doing so. I am mostly grateful today, though, from my freedom today from ED. Yes, I have my good and bad days and still there are times I hear nothing but his conniving voice screaming in my head. I don't love my body on any terms. However, today I was able to go for my first walk in four months, properly nourish my body according to my dietitian, attend A.A. and fellowship with the men and women there, and have some fun and laughs with the women around me fighting the same fight everyday- the fight for our lives. The fight to overthrow our demons~ To kill ED. To declare independence from the scale, from the mirror, from the self defeating thoughts that take us down faster than any bullet or sword ever could. I stand today praising my Leader and Captain who has a whole militia of angels around me praying for me and supporting me. I am so very grateful for my friends and family who have been there for me every step of my journey.
This journey has been long~ 5 months and still counting. It ends here at Capri in two weeks. Where I will be heading on July 17th I am uncertain of still. But I know God will provide me with the finances and the means of doing so. He has gotten me this far and I know He has a plan for my continued recovery.
For all those who fought and died for me and for this country- thank you. To all those who have fought and prayed for me and my redemption- THANK YOU. And to my Higher Power who is freeing me every single day from the bondage of my addictions- THANK YOU~
Happy Independence Day~

Three~

Three is my favorite number~ I do mostly everything in three's. Don't know why...3 just speaks to me.
The Trinity. The Three amigos. The Three stooges~
THREE
I left for treatment three months ago. THREE. I can't believe how time has flown. All I know...is I am out here at Capri (the step down after intense inpatient where I resided for 9 weeks) and am so blessed and grateful to be ALIVE. I feel the sunshine. I feel the ground beneath me. I feel joy- fear-pain- love. Emotions. Things I pushed down and starved out in my disease. God is it hard. But God does it feel good. I feel human again. Winter is back~ And not the cold, bitter beast that invaded me before I awakened~
 The loving, laughing Winter I knew was underneath the bone-shaking cold and the numb appearance.
I got to live this weekend~ My daddy and his girlfriend Sherry flew down from Idaho JUST to see me this weekend. My daddy held me and told me he was proud of me. That he forgave me. And that he loved me. NOTHING could have felt better than that. I am so blessed to have a family who loves me and wonderful friends here and throughout my life, scattered around the country who I can count on.
And a Higher Power who I am forgiven by and who knows all the details~ Thank you GOD~
I wanted to share the letter I wrote when I arrived at Capri~ My letter to my eating disorder.~
Thank you all for your prayers~ Your thoughts~ Your unconditional love. I am living proof that there is a God and He can do miracles if we allow him to. AMEN~

               ~Goodbye Letter to Ed~ By Winter Groeschl~

ED:

We met when I was just a child. You began as a subtle whisper, your intoxicating and exciting fantasies of acceptance and love drew me in. We were immediately joined at the hip as you followed me around like a dark shadow. You knew my deepest secrets and my greatest fears. You then proceeded to take advantage of all I confided in you, stabbing me in the back with piercing daggers dripping with perfectionism, worthlessness, isolating, and self loathing. You took my precious innocence- my carefree childhood curiosity and tainted all I did. My once colorful world became engulfed in sickness, oozing with anxiety and fear. As our enmeshment progressed, your whispers heightened into blood curdling screams preventing any healthy thoughts to circulate into my convulsing brain. Tormented by you and you alone every second of every day- all 86,400 of them. I would crawl into bed and hide under the covers to try to drown you out, yet even when I was able to deceive the insomnia, your putrid images invaded my dreams.

            I felt such shame and disgust with myself and my body. You convinced me I was worthless, dispensable, and deserving of nothing but death. I believed that I was destined to remain a slave to you forever. Or until my very own hand would end the immense suffering.

            ED, I cannot, I WILL NOT, accept this disease as a part of me. I DO NOT equal you. The things I do in my disease are not definitive of who I, Winter, truly am. When I think of the things I have done while cohabitating with you, I am irate. I am ashamed. I have missed out on so much and caused so much pain, confusion, and discord in the lives of those that I love. I believed I needed to punish myself. I needed to starve the bad out of me. To beat my body of all the iniquities I had committed. To run off my feelings of self-loathing. I was running from me. The more weight I lost, the further I was from that 12 year old girl I was so ashamed of. My own flesh tormented me. It was not enough until I had hit bone. And even then you were still there, relentless. My attitude of stubbornness, perfectionism, and need for control drove me to insanity.

            Now I must learn to become fluid, like water. Flexible, wiling, and surrendered. Yet I keep returning to you. Taking back the power and handing it to you willingly, without hesitation. It makes me sick to think I keep trusting a vial creep like you. With your sick seductive lies wooing me back to you over and over. Your sweet promises of control, your voice beckoning me, trying to convince me that I need you. That you are all I deserve. “Only thinness cab equal acceptance and happiness,” your voice whispers. Your harsh tricks and murderous tactics of using the reflections around me to remind me again and again on the horrendous image of myself, me the monster that I see and feel.

            You gave me a sense of control when my world was in the midst of chaos, a coping mechanism for the stressors and fluctuations of life- a sense of accomplishment when I felt that engaging in your lifestyle was the only thing I was truly good at. You numbed my feelings and erased all emotions, the bad AND the good. You were my only friend when I had successfully pushed everyone else away. You allowed me to scream out HELP, using my body to communicate the pain I was in, when my mouth would not form the words. Verbalizing my needs and wants was too intimidating for me, thus my desperation manifested itself physically. However, this maladaptive way of living has taken its toll. You have shattered everything and left me broken, my life scattered in a million tiny pieces. And here I am trying franticly to glue the shards back together. The process is intensely painful and slow. I have blood all over my hands and torrents of tears escape from my eyes. Doubt and discouragement overwhelm me. Yet you underestimate me. I am a stubborn ass. I want healthy relationships with my family, friends, the outside world, my Higher Power, and MYSELF. Maybe in the future, a man who will love me in ways you NEVER could. I dream of finishing school and finding a fulfilling job that gives me that sense of accomplishment and purpose. My passion in life will now be to give back and help others overthrow your tyrannical reign, you disgusting filth. That is all I feel like with you- FILTH. I may have felt temporary feelings of power, but it is all a fallacy. If I stay with you, I would just acquire more shame and guilt, which I already have quite the collection of thank you very much.

            I am exhausted from remaining stuck in this cycle of self pity for years. All I can look forward to in staying with you is isolation and disconnect from the world, myself, and my Higher Power. Mental, emotional, and spiritual deterioration. And an inevitable, gruesome death. I lost myself. I don’t want to do it again. I am choosing to let go of you because I choose to feel my feelings- to take a risk- to encounter the chance that there is more to life than your lies and believe and trust that I am meant for more. Thus, I will be open, willing, and surrendered to my new best friend- my Higher Power. I am letting go. I am submitting to the plan God has for me. Plans to prosper me and and not harm me. Plans for a new and different future. So this is goodbye. I will not miss you. I will not shed a tear. I will not look back. Rot in hell and leave me and everyone else you prey one ALONE. How does it feel?

Sincerely NOT,

Winter~

THANK YOU

I go now to embark upon this journey~ My life is literally in the hands of the Lord. I am terrified. I don’t want to go. I don’t see what all the others see. But I keep hearing the same thing repeated over and over~ TRUST. So this I do. I go blindly into this again…distorted, broken, terrified. 

However, I go with God. I go with many people who miraculously and somehow love me. I am undeserving. I am awed at the amount of support and love I have felt~ I am speechless. Incredulous at the love- the sheer unconditional love- I have been given- that has been POURED out on me. From one section of the country to the other~ LITERALLY from Washington DC to Washington state the prayers and love keep pouring out. I don’t understand what you see in me. All I can do is go back and hope that maybe, I will catch a glimpse, a taste of what you all see.

This is to the wonderful family in Montana who has kept me alive this last month~ The Hofmans. I cannot describe how much I love you and how much I owe to you~ To my church family here at LoneRock~ Thank you so much for your prayers and support this past month~

To my family in Coeur d Alene~ To my beloved parents and brothers who I love with all my heart and more~  I LOVE YOU ALL FOREVER  To my family in Wisconsin and Michigan~ To my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents whom I love~

 To the Torres Family, the Newton family, the Slavens family, to Holly and Katy~ TO ALL my loved ones in CDA Idaho~

To those in Moscow who I love so much! Katie, Sarah D. Sarah V, Josina, Chantel W, John, Patrick, Mr. A. Brown, Heidi~ TO EVERYONE IN MOSCOW

To my Rosewood and ANJ treatment buddies~ THANK YOU ALL so much for your understanding and love and care~ If I can be any testament to you, please hear  this. STICK TO THE PLAN~ STAY THE PATH though it is soooo hard. PLEASE fight as I fight in Arizona~ we fight again together, though apart. This insidious disease cannot take a ONE of us. NO NO NO! I will not allow it! STAY STRONG and ROSES! J

To those on my treatment team who I owe so much to~ to the doctors, my therapist and my dietitian~ THANK you for keeping me alive.

I go now in the name of the Lord. He is my strength. I am weak. I should be and wish at times that I were dead. If I don’t go now…I will not make it. Yes, it would be easier. But I have never done the easy thing. I am stubborn as heck. And I cannot allow ED to take my life. I want to die at the ripe old age of a zillion, climbing mountains and living the life GOD wants me to live- NOT ED.

WITH CHRIST ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! HE WILL SET ME FREE~ BIND SATAN FROM ME O LORD~ KICK THIS IN THE CROTCH! J

JEREMIAH 29:11~

To ALL my readers, to everyone- In the great words of some famous military man I can’t think of: I WILL BE BACK! (he he) And you will all have to deal with me some moreJ This aint goodbye- this is see ya in a tad. GOD IS GOOD. I LOVE YOU ALL. SEE YOU SOOOOOOOOON

·         Please note that my brain is foggy, I am completely forgetful and if I forgot to say THANK YOU to ANYONE HERE IS TO EVERYONEEEEEE! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

AGAIN please- stay in touch-
Rosewood Ranch
Attn: Winter G
36075 S Rincon Road
Wickenburg, AZ 85390

Out of options...

I can't breathe. I can't stop crying. I can't think of anything, my mind just continually dwells in this dark pit, this mire of depression.
I have run out of options. I have been cornered. I can't go home. I can't stay in Montana and allow this family to feel they must take care of me for the long hall. They have lives. Unlike my own pathetic self.
I am going back~ Back to treatment. Arizona for starters. And God only knows where after.
I am disgusted with myself. I don't want to fight for life anymore, honestly. Because going back into treatment means putting life on hold yet again. Failure. Idiot. I cannot stand myself.

Birthday weekend

Birthday weekend~

The wonderful family I am staying with here in Montana drove me all the way to Idaho so I could see my family before my birthday this last weekend! We left Friday, hit up my dietitian in Spokane and had a checkup and blood drawn in Hayden.

Friday night went nothing like I was anticipating. After a nice dinner with the family, I returned home and had a very rough conversation with my parents which literally left me in the fetal position. Since I have been here in Montana there has been no “progress” made. Basically, to my dad that just means gaining weight. Gag. Thus, he threatened that if I don’t start moving up in numbers (again SHUTTER) he will force me back into rehab. What a nice thing to surprise your daughter with on her birthday. Can’t you just get me a card like any other person would? UGH

My heart is broken. And I am angry and stubborn. I need prayer. That ED stays out of my head these two weeks and allows me to surrender myself to what I am to do here. I am scared. I am disgusted with myself and the thought of gaining weight is utterly repulsive to me. I believe I am repulsive and huge. I don’t understand how anyone can see otherwise.

The rest of the weekend was filled with seeing friends- which included seeing my friend Jordan who I met one year ago, to the day! He surprised me from Tacoma and came and visited me for my birthday! How blessed I am! Such a blessing to see him and his inspirational face!

The Lord got us home safely and though it was a challenging trip, God is always good. He always has a plan. I just pray to God that I am allowed to remain here in the comfort of the mountains to heal, instead of being forced to undergo the awful process of treatment yet again. Anger fills my being as I realize that it was me who allowed myself to get to this spot again. I am so disappointed in my weakness. But in the weakness now I hope to be willing. Willing to do what it takes to stay here. Thank you all for your continued prayers~ They are needed now more than ever!  <3

Update from MONTANA~

I have been here about a week now in beautiful Montana staying with this wonderful family. I wake up every morning to smiling faces, beautiful mountains, and a warm wood stove greeting me~
What a gift it is to be shown all these skills I was never given the opportunity of learning growing up from two busy parents. My little "mommy" here has been keeping me busy by giving me lots of options and activities to do during the day: Kids church, babysitting, chores- which she hardly gives me :/ , bible studies, devotions, painting, scrap booking, cooking, etc. She has been amazing! She is even teaching me how to play the piano!  The Mr. has been teaching me backgammon and Dutch Blitz! I get to hang with my old friend here, too when she is not busy working, making bank!
It has been an amazing blessing! Recovery has been good...not easy mentally....but I am following a meal plan (amazing!) and ONLY doing the amount of activity I have been limited to....which has been freaking TORTUROUS!! But I know if I keep acting out it wont get me anywhere...sigh. Such a mental battle.
So the question has now been posed...Do I go back home and try to maintain this good "Streak" or do I stay with this family who has, by the grace of God, offered me to continue staying with them. I want to do whats best for recovery, my family, for this family...Ugh. I don't know WHAT I am supposed to be doing with my life..what the "right" answer is. I am so black and white and I live in this gray world.So how do I adapt now that all my vices are gone? Still learning...still growing...still trying to hang in there- taking one day at a time. It is amazing the love and kindness I have been shown here, how showered with prayer I am.
 I am so blessed. Yet, I feel so guilty and undeserving and can only say THANK YOU.
If my readers have thoughts on all of this, your input is more than welcome :) <3
God bless you today!

MONTANA~

I have been in Montana three days...
I feel like I have gained 30 pounds since I have been here. ED is yelling and screaming and KICKING me. WHAT am I doing? WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING sitting down? Eating that food? NOT running? Not taking care of your family at home? What are you doing intruding on this wonderful family's home? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
1. I'm not doing ANY activity~ I sit..alllllll day. :/
2. I'm eating. I'm following a meal plan. And its scary.
3. I am being loved on by so many people.
4. I'm scared and terrified and KNOW that my body is changing and freaking out. I don't know WHAT it is going to do or look like in a week...let alone tomorrow...but for some reason...being here in Montana with all this love and support and my friends around me is helping...slowing....quieting the noise.
I know I don't want to die. And without change I would have. So I am here. NOT at home where I was free to act out. Yes, in one aspect of my mind I'm a failure. I'm scared. ED tells me I will become fat, disgusting.
But on the other side, I'm safe. I have some structure. I have people who care about me here to love on me...
I feel so blessed and honored. I don't know whyyyy they are putting up with me, why they are so nice and kind to me when I have done nothing to deserve it. It is just such a wonderful testimony to God and his love for us in sending his Son Jesus to us. I am touched, moved, amazed. My iced over heart is slightly unthawing. My crazy brain slightly slowing. With each day (and trust me its minute by minute one day at a time) I keep challenging myself. I keep moving forward. Keep breathing. Keep hoping and putting my faith in those around me. Today, I will look to the GORGEOUS mountains and be grateful that I am alive. That I am here. And that God has a plan. I have NO idea what that plan is...but I will sit in this silence, this uncertainess, this scary place that my brain is in right now...and trust that it can only get better:) Grateful <3