I can no longer get into a car without having a mini panic attack. When I look at a garage door, a loud CRUNCH noise flows through my head. The traumatic event of me, backing into our garage door several nights ago keeps flashing through my mind. Yep. I backed our truck into the garage door. And no, it was not pretty. There was a HUGE dent protruding out that was visible for all the world to see. There are no words to describe how awful I felt in that moment. Embarrassed. Ashamed. I believe the words, I'm dead flied through my head as I realized I must now tell my father about the lovely accident I had just caused. Just add it to my tab that is currently due to him :/ After treatment, now this. Superb.
So...time to get real. I have always needed something real, something evident, something tangible to convince me of anything- to prove to me something was real. Moses has a burning bush. I just got a dented garage. Weird comparison, I know. But the bush and the garage are parallel in meaning for me. It was a wake up call. A tangible, visible smack in the face from God. Cause lately, its been ED driving this car. Not me. Winter just kind of took the back seat. And I'm really sick of it. I'm sick of this. Its time to get back in the game. Cause I'm not going to lie, I'm not doing so hot on my own right now. I am not following my meal plan. I'm allowing the stress of life to pile up without dealing with it appropriately. Right now I don't trust myself. I sure as heck don't trust my body. Not at all. So what do I turn to? ED. nice one winter..nice one.
I'm embarrassed. I'm ashamed. I'm guilty. So I turn to ED. Its time to re-evaluate what I'm really doing with this thing called life. With recovery. After being confronted by loved ones the last couple of days, I tend to freak out. ED convinces/suggests to me that I can just NOT follow my meal plan and do what I want. So I don't follow my meal plan and restrict and purge by exercising. I try to compensate, which doesn't work because there is no limit to the compensation. It will go until I kill myself. No amount is good enough for me...or for ED.
Lately, God has been TRYING to send me some signs. To get my attention. Hes saying I need to slooooow down and be more present~ The forgetting to check to see if the garage door was open BEFORE backing up is the perfect example of him sayin....uhhhh buddy...I think you need to slow down and give your brain the nutrition it needs. That way you ah...wont be so stuck on food maybe? Eh? Ya! Cause right now your spending waaaaay too much time thinking about it. And who wants to waste their time with that? Ya... you may be unhappy with yourself. Get over yourself. You, your stressed. Work, school, life. Well, don't you have any faith in me? No matter how much you worry, how hard you fight it, you will not be able to change a thing. Tomorrow will still come.
Your restricting is making you lose focus. Its making you foggy. Your too stuck in your own head. Too busy skimming, comparing, subtracting, and restricting to be fully present. Your attitude sucks. Your cranky. And tense. Anxious. You resemble a brick wall. Life just keeps hitting you. You feel nothing. You are numb. Life is happening around you and you cant move. Your stuck. Scared. Terrified. And fighting health with everything you have. Tired yet? Its time to stick to the plan. Is that so hard? Cause you could 1. Follow your plan or 2. give in to this jerk ED. That little Mofo needs to beat it. He just wants you miserable. And he is doing pretty good isn't he? So ya done fighting now? Just try it. Try sticking to the plan. For a day. For a week.
Thanks~
GOD
Yep. That's what it takes to get through my thick skull. A dented garage. Good grief.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
My many modes...
The last two sessions with my therapist have been really eye opening....
I realized that I operate in modes-these modes all relate to one another and operate on a circular track.
There is the eat mode...and not just eat a little...like eat A LOT...like been restricting and gone too long without food and need something NOW really hungry mode that FREAKS me out MODE.
Red Mode.
Then there is the moderate- maintaining mode where I'm comfortable and following my meal plan for the most part and sufficiently feeding myself. Not too hungry, not too full.
Green mode~
Then there is my compensation mode in which either I was JUST in the red zone and now must compensate for a previous slip up- in Ed's mind-
Or, I know an event or dinner is coming up and I'm going to probably eat foods I'm not comfortable with OR GASP perhaps have something OFF my meal plan.
Its like a bank in my mind...I have to make sure I have racked up enough points to "earn" the special event food or whatever. I have to have stuck to my rigid rules, starved myself enough before hand, and had enough activity to compensate for whatever I'm about to "indulge" in. The indulging lasts...seconds....before I am already trying to calculate what I have to do to get rid of it. I can't even enjoy it. I must compensate to make up for the calories I just allowed that I feel unsafe with. Skim here, subtract here, add more physical activity there.
Orange mode-
Then there is my restrictive mode, which is pretty similar to my compensation mode. STRICT adherence to my meal plan- LIMITED EVERYTHING- accept for working out of course...that is as much as I can get away with....
yellow mode~
THEN there is the scary alert zone/mode in which people start saying I look sick and start bugging me about being "too thin." Too thin....this is preposterous to me...I want to look at them and shout...CANT YOU SEE ME?? NO! THIN?? ME!!! NOOOOO! I will always be the fat 12 year old girl I remember..the one that haunts me every fucking day of my life. The only thing I see in the mirror EVERY friggin day. The very thing I run from IS ME. Thus, I don't get this concept of too thin when it comes to me.
Black Mode. Death mode.
It is now the season of fall....which means soon it will be winter. Which means soon the skies will open up and a crap ton of snow will fall on the ground, making it quite difficult to take my strolls in which help give me my mental sanity, at best. FOR YEARS I have struggled with winter. I get super depressed and FREAKED out...because I HAVE TO BE ABLE TO COMPENSATE FOR WHATEVER I PUT INTO MY MOUTH!!!! Thus, the fact that it will soon be "the most wonderful time of year" again soon has been heavy on my heart. Like a crap ton of bricks :/
Lastly, my therapist and I established that I really need a new role model. For years and still to this day, as much as I hate to admit, I STILL use my mother as the barometer of food intake. Of "normal" activity. ED still shouts that daughters are SUPPOSED to be smaller than their mothers....and WOW I SUCK because she is TINY. Me, I more resemble a walrus. Blubbery. *shutter*
Whenever I think about perhaps trying some new food, I think....well....she doesn't eat this. All I grew up knowing was what SHE put in her mouth. I have NOOOOO friggin clue what a normal healthy human woman eats....what is "normal" for a day's worth of food and activity. I just go by what I was shown...ED. Its safe. Its comfortable. Its all I knew. I was taught by the best "Anna" practitioner there was.
CRAP. These three topics, my modes which can be switched at a DROP of a hat...like an on and off light switch, the fact that winter is coming and my one stress release is slipping away like the setting sun, and the fact that I can't eat without seeing my mother's skeletal frame running down the fucking road has all been really affecting me lately. Your prayers would be appreciated. Sigh. I really am messed up....
I realized that I operate in modes-these modes all relate to one another and operate on a circular track.
There is the eat mode...and not just eat a little...like eat A LOT...like been restricting and gone too long without food and need something NOW really hungry mode that FREAKS me out MODE.
Red Mode.
Then there is the moderate- maintaining mode where I'm comfortable and following my meal plan for the most part and sufficiently feeding myself. Not too hungry, not too full.
Green mode~
Then there is my compensation mode in which either I was JUST in the red zone and now must compensate for a previous slip up- in Ed's mind-
Or, I know an event or dinner is coming up and I'm going to probably eat foods I'm not comfortable with OR GASP perhaps have something OFF my meal plan.
Its like a bank in my mind...I have to make sure I have racked up enough points to "earn" the special event food or whatever. I have to have stuck to my rigid rules, starved myself enough before hand, and had enough activity to compensate for whatever I'm about to "indulge" in. The indulging lasts...seconds....before I am already trying to calculate what I have to do to get rid of it. I can't even enjoy it. I must compensate to make up for the calories I just allowed that I feel unsafe with. Skim here, subtract here, add more physical activity there.
Orange mode-
Then there is my restrictive mode, which is pretty similar to my compensation mode. STRICT adherence to my meal plan- LIMITED EVERYTHING- accept for working out of course...that is as much as I can get away with....
yellow mode~
THEN there is the scary alert zone/mode in which people start saying I look sick and start bugging me about being "too thin." Too thin....this is preposterous to me...I want to look at them and shout...CANT YOU SEE ME?? NO! THIN?? ME!!! NOOOOO! I will always be the fat 12 year old girl I remember..the one that haunts me every fucking day of my life. The only thing I see in the mirror EVERY friggin day. The very thing I run from IS ME. Thus, I don't get this concept of too thin when it comes to me.
Black Mode. Death mode.
It is now the season of fall....which means soon it will be winter. Which means soon the skies will open up and a crap ton of snow will fall on the ground, making it quite difficult to take my strolls in which help give me my mental sanity, at best. FOR YEARS I have struggled with winter. I get super depressed and FREAKED out...because I HAVE TO BE ABLE TO COMPENSATE FOR WHATEVER I PUT INTO MY MOUTH!!!! Thus, the fact that it will soon be "the most wonderful time of year" again soon has been heavy on my heart. Like a crap ton of bricks :/
Lastly, my therapist and I established that I really need a new role model. For years and still to this day, as much as I hate to admit, I STILL use my mother as the barometer of food intake. Of "normal" activity. ED still shouts that daughters are SUPPOSED to be smaller than their mothers....and WOW I SUCK because she is TINY. Me, I more resemble a walrus. Blubbery. *shutter*
Whenever I think about perhaps trying some new food, I think....well....she doesn't eat this. All I grew up knowing was what SHE put in her mouth. I have NOOOOO friggin clue what a normal healthy human woman eats....what is "normal" for a day's worth of food and activity. I just go by what I was shown...ED. Its safe. Its comfortable. Its all I knew. I was taught by the best "Anna" practitioner there was.
CRAP. These three topics, my modes which can be switched at a DROP of a hat...like an on and off light switch, the fact that winter is coming and my one stress release is slipping away like the setting sun, and the fact that I can't eat without seeing my mother's skeletal frame running down the fucking road has all been really affecting me lately. Your prayers would be appreciated. Sigh. I really am messed up....
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Happy friggin' birthday
Ya know the feeling?? That feeling that just won't go away!! It is like the smell of disgusting bacon. The taste of Italian seasoning that lingers on your breathe for hours. A spaghetti sauce stain on a white shirt. You can't get rid of it. It wont go away, no matter how hard you try.
Ya...well that's the feeling I'm dealing with right now. Tension. I could cut it with a knife. It is just lingering in this house. My brother and I don't get along. I try to be nice...I really do. But I just end up saying the wrong thing AGAIN and then its World War III. Its always my fault. I'm always wrong. I'm always the b*$#@ that everyone hates and I should never have come home. This was the gist of the fight we had yesterday. I left the house in tears. I never wanted to come back. I walked...for hours. This is my MO. Sometimes not the best idea...but yesterday. I just needed to. Walk it out. Kick some stones. Curse at the sky. And cry. A good cry is always the best. Draining, but you feel so much better after. Also...talking with my favorite people ever (Brenda and Miles Torres) helps a crap ton. I don't know how they stand me... me and my angsty stories. blah blah blah. Ugh. I'm so undeserving.
But now today is my brother's birthday. 1. I just want to punch him in the face. 2. I was supposed to drive him to the mall today and spend the afternoon following him and his little friends around the mall which, I was actually kind of looking forward to because I could have spent time with him. But after yesterday, ya. He kicked me to the curb, decided he wanted my dad to. whatever. 3. HES GETTING A FRIGGIN BDAY CAKE and ED is already killing me about it. To eat or not to eat? that is the bloody question!
Soooo many thoughts are going through my head. If I eat some, how am I going to get rid of it. I will only eat some if my mom does. What if they say something about me NOT eating it. Maybe I should just not eat all day. OR ever again!!! I don't want to eat cause I feel miserable after everything that was said yesterday anyways. And I don't deserve food. Maybe I will just stuff my face with the goshdamn thing!! kglkdjslksjklfjsdklfjsl
Oh my gosh I hate ED. So ya...at this point, I just want to take the cake and chuck it out the friggin window. THIS would bring me great pleasure. However, my brother would just be even more awkwardly angry at me than before. no bueno.
So what it comes down to is...I pretty much feel like I am a sucky daughter/sister/ PERSON ALL AROUND. I just cant do anything right for anyone. I'm always angry apparently. My answer to that...HECK YES I'M ANGRY. I have to clean up all your friggin messes AND on top of that deal with your CRAPPY attitudes and hear you complain about EVERYTHING in life. ALSO on top of that...I am an adult..who sucks at life and lives at home, has a crappy job that does not even start till Tuesday, is taking two friggin piddly classes at a community college because I dropped out of school last semester due to MY FRIGGIN EATING DISORDER. Yes I'm angry. BUT NOT AT YOU! AT MYSELF. And how gosh dang LAME I am. So sorry that my inward sulkiness is affecting YOU. Shiz.
I am just feeling like I want to get out right now. I don't want to be at home. They don't want me there. I am dispensable. I am just a pain in their kankle. A nuisance.
Yep that's my middle name Winter LAMEEEE NUISANCE GROESCHL. Trust me it is...people call me that behind my back...;)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ok. I need to go....punch...scream.....DANCE IT OUT to Lady GAG now. IF you have any suggestions.....or an alternate living situation idea....LET ME KNOW. You guys are da best. don't know why you read this. Your eyes are probably all burning. I apologize....go soak your corneas. I love ya.
Ya...well that's the feeling I'm dealing with right now. Tension. I could cut it with a knife. It is just lingering in this house. My brother and I don't get along. I try to be nice...I really do. But I just end up saying the wrong thing AGAIN and then its World War III. Its always my fault. I'm always wrong. I'm always the b*$#@ that everyone hates and I should never have come home. This was the gist of the fight we had yesterday. I left the house in tears. I never wanted to come back. I walked...for hours. This is my MO. Sometimes not the best idea...but yesterday. I just needed to. Walk it out. Kick some stones. Curse at the sky. And cry. A good cry is always the best. Draining, but you feel so much better after. Also...talking with my favorite people ever (Brenda and Miles Torres) helps a crap ton. I don't know how they stand me... me and my angsty stories. blah blah blah. Ugh. I'm so undeserving.
But now today is my brother's birthday. 1. I just want to punch him in the face. 2. I was supposed to drive him to the mall today and spend the afternoon following him and his little friends around the mall which, I was actually kind of looking forward to because I could have spent time with him. But after yesterday, ya. He kicked me to the curb, decided he wanted my dad to. whatever. 3. HES GETTING A FRIGGIN BDAY CAKE and ED is already killing me about it. To eat or not to eat? that is the bloody question!
Soooo many thoughts are going through my head. If I eat some, how am I going to get rid of it. I will only eat some if my mom does. What if they say something about me NOT eating it. Maybe I should just not eat all day. OR ever again!!! I don't want to eat cause I feel miserable after everything that was said yesterday anyways. And I don't deserve food. Maybe I will just stuff my face with the goshdamn thing!! kglkdjslksjklfjsdklfjsl
Oh my gosh I hate ED. So ya...at this point, I just want to take the cake and chuck it out the friggin window. THIS would bring me great pleasure. However, my brother would just be even more awkwardly angry at me than before. no bueno.
So what it comes down to is...I pretty much feel like I am a sucky daughter/sister/ PERSON ALL AROUND. I just cant do anything right for anyone. I'm always angry apparently. My answer to that...HECK YES I'M ANGRY. I have to clean up all your friggin messes AND on top of that deal with your CRAPPY attitudes and hear you complain about EVERYTHING in life. ALSO on top of that...I am an adult..who sucks at life and lives at home, has a crappy job that does not even start till Tuesday, is taking two friggin piddly classes at a community college because I dropped out of school last semester due to MY FRIGGIN EATING DISORDER. Yes I'm angry. BUT NOT AT YOU! AT MYSELF. And how gosh dang LAME I am. So sorry that my inward sulkiness is affecting YOU. Shiz.
I am just feeling like I want to get out right now. I don't want to be at home. They don't want me there. I am dispensable. I am just a pain in their kankle. A nuisance.
Yep that's my middle name Winter LAMEEEE NUISANCE GROESCHL. Trust me it is...people call me that behind my back...;)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ok. I need to go....punch...scream.....DANCE IT OUT to Lady GAG now. IF you have any suggestions.....or an alternate living situation idea....LET ME KNOW. You guys are da best. don't know why you read this. Your eyes are probably all burning. I apologize....go soak your corneas. I love ya.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
6 months~
I have been "in recovery" for 6 months. And by "in recover" I mean, actively trying to get my life back from the pits of hell I was in....also known as my E.D. ugh.
Honestly, tonight I feel just NASTY. Im just gonna throw out alllll the words E.D. is callin me right now~ cause it is soooo friggin loud! FAT, UGLY, DISGUSTING, FAILURE, CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT!, PIGGGG,STUPID, HIDEOUS, BLOB, GOOP (i dont even know what that means...i just feel like it....) WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING, IDIOT!!!!! PLAYDOUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
REVOLTING, LAZY, HEINOUS, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT!!!!
Frick. After 6 months i thought the voices would shut up. HE IS SOOOOO LOUD TONIGHT!
I WANT TO RUNNNNNN I NEVER WANT TO LOOK AT FOOOOOOD AGAINNNNNN
why!!! why why why.....I feel like a monster. I pity those close to me. I suck. Im controlling and a jerk and i yell at my brothers and I cause pain and anger and disappointment and regret. Im not making a difference. Im just taking up space with my doughy-ness.
I CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT! I AM CLUMSY AND AWKWARD AND I SAY THE WRONG THINGS AND GIVE THAT "TONE" AND GET WEIRD LOOKS AND I LOOK JUST WEIRD
kjksljfklsjdflksjfklsjdlsjklf
ok I need to stop...Im sorry all. :/
Honestly, tonight I feel just NASTY. Im just gonna throw out alllll the words E.D. is callin me right now~ cause it is soooo friggin loud! FAT, UGLY, DISGUSTING, FAILURE, CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT!, PIGGGG,STUPID, HIDEOUS, BLOB, GOOP (i dont even know what that means...i just feel like it....) WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING, IDIOT!!!!! PLAYDOUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
REVOLTING, LAZY, HEINOUS, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT!!!!
Frick. After 6 months i thought the voices would shut up. HE IS SOOOOO LOUD TONIGHT!
I WANT TO RUNNNNNN I NEVER WANT TO LOOK AT FOOOOOOD AGAINNNNNN
why!!! why why why.....I feel like a monster. I pity those close to me. I suck. Im controlling and a jerk and i yell at my brothers and I cause pain and anger and disappointment and regret. Im not making a difference. Im just taking up space with my doughy-ness.
I CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT! I AM CLUMSY AND AWKWARD AND I SAY THE WRONG THINGS AND GIVE THAT "TONE" AND GET WEIRD LOOKS AND I LOOK JUST WEIRD
kjksljfklsjdflksjfklsjdlsjklf
ok I need to stop...Im sorry all. :/
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Memories~
Sometimes I wish I could be brainwashed. There are times I wish I could have amnesia and forget about this stupid disease. Can't teach an old dog new tricks. Ugh...why does this have to be so true.
I wish I could forget, erase my memory of the things I have done in the past. The tactics and tweaks I know oh so well. The paths I have chosen and the things I encountered along the way.
I am cleaning up the kitchen and went to put something away in a cupboard when I came across a large manila envelope. Inside were all the letters I sent to my dad while I was in treatment.
Ya know how some people write in a journal or a notebook when they are feeling angsty and then burn it when its full? ya..well those letters...are like that journal. I don't know why I thought I should look at them again, but I did. And all those memories came flooding back to me. Being in treatment. What hell it was. The pain I caused my father and my family. And it makes me sick. It kills me to see the words on the page. Feel the feelings all over again. Yuck. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, poison. I want to wash myself off...I feel dirty. All the guilt and shame just comes right back. I want to starve it away. I want to run till I die. Because right now I don't feel like I deserve to be here. I deserve what I did to those around me who loved me. I deserve the pain and agony and financial shortcomings I have inflicted on others. THAT is why I feel I deserve ED. I deserve that life. I deserve to suffer. I don't feel like I deserve the forgiveness I know has been given to me. Again. And again. And again. Why? Why did You save me? What good am I to You? Look at me!!! I'm a mess. A freaking mess! 19 years old, living at home and barely a penny to my name. I just walk around with this shame and guilt on my back- Friggin ED choking me to death. I'm a quivering ball of flub, just waiting for something...someone to kick me around. I just want to scream DON'T LOOK AT ME!! Don't touch me! Can't you see? Can't you see the disgusting sinful screw up that I am?!! I can't get it together. I am messing everything up for you. 'Sorry' is the perpetual plee I cry out to you. Swear its the only word I can mutter, manage, offer up to you. A sorry human being. Sorry that I cannot be more for you. Sorry that I was going to do it all for you- going to make everything better. And I can't.
I. Am. Sorry.
I wish I could forget, erase my memory of the things I have done in the past. The tactics and tweaks I know oh so well. The paths I have chosen and the things I encountered along the way.
I am cleaning up the kitchen and went to put something away in a cupboard when I came across a large manila envelope. Inside were all the letters I sent to my dad while I was in treatment.
Ya know how some people write in a journal or a notebook when they are feeling angsty and then burn it when its full? ya..well those letters...are like that journal. I don't know why I thought I should look at them again, but I did. And all those memories came flooding back to me. Being in treatment. What hell it was. The pain I caused my father and my family. And it makes me sick. It kills me to see the words on the page. Feel the feelings all over again. Yuck. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, poison. I want to wash myself off...I feel dirty. All the guilt and shame just comes right back. I want to starve it away. I want to run till I die. Because right now I don't feel like I deserve to be here. I deserve what I did to those around me who loved me. I deserve the pain and agony and financial shortcomings I have inflicted on others. THAT is why I feel I deserve ED. I deserve that life. I deserve to suffer. I don't feel like I deserve the forgiveness I know has been given to me. Again. And again. And again. Why? Why did You save me? What good am I to You? Look at me!!! I'm a mess. A freaking mess! 19 years old, living at home and barely a penny to my name. I just walk around with this shame and guilt on my back- Friggin ED choking me to death. I'm a quivering ball of flub, just waiting for something...someone to kick me around. I just want to scream DON'T LOOK AT ME!! Don't touch me! Can't you see? Can't you see the disgusting sinful screw up that I am?!! I can't get it together. I am messing everything up for you. 'Sorry' is the perpetual plee I cry out to you. Swear its the only word I can mutter, manage, offer up to you. A sorry human being. Sorry that I cannot be more for you. Sorry that I was going to do it all for you- going to make everything better. And I can't.
I. Am. Sorry.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Time Travel...and other confessions
Who knows the answer to life?
Not ME!!!
If I had a magic glass ball that showed me the future, I would chuck it and break it into a million tiny fragments. I just watched the movie Time Traveler’s Wife for the first time last night. Super great movie! Totally intriguing to me! But I am pretty sure Rachel McAdams is on crack for marrying a dude that can see the future…and mingle among past, present, and future. Cause knowing how your life will play out would drive me up the wall. Cause the future scares the bat crap out of me. If I would have been given a glimpse into the future a few years ago, I don’t think I could have handled what I saw. God does not give us more than we can handle- Thus, he thankfully does not give us the capability of being omniscient. Personally, my brain would implode.
Right now I am guilty of future tripping quite a bit. Where is the money going to come from to pay off the rest of school? Will I be able to go back to U of I in the spring? Maybe I should RA again…What am I going to do after my undergraduate it finished? Holy crap...I have to figure out my life. Jksdfsajuuidhgjkdnfkj
This is where I need to stop and give myself a chill pill. My chill pill-opium. No just kiddin’. My personal remedy is the Bible. Costs less… oh and the side effects are less invasive.
I kind of cling to this verse like James Franco from the movie 127 hours clung to that big ole’ boulder for.. what was it…like…oh ya! 127 hours! Oh, he was stuck?…Well shoooooot.
Here it is: Jeremiah 29:11-New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I do have hope. Because I know I have a future. And I know me worrying about it today is not going to do a flying fart. It ain’t gonna change NOTHIN’. It is just going to give me a large, burning ulcer. (yuck~) It will just take away from the lessons I am to learn today. Why is it that I can’t trust God on these things? Like the way I trust my dietitian or my therapist. I KNOW they have my back-they are watching the numbers and they will help me keep on track with recovery. So why is it that I can’t put that same amount of trust in God? I think it may be because I don’t feel as though I DESERVE to have that peace of mind. I feel like I have had points in my life where I downright disobeyed him, blatantly and directly to His face. He pointed me in the right direction- I gave Him an impy grin, flicked Him the birdy, and went the ENTIRELY opposite way. I sat in church and heard Him loud and clear telling me how I was SUPPOSED to be living my life. I would cry, I would cry harder and think yeah I really need to do this. I would then proceed to go home and start living my life of sin and deception and secrets all over again.
In church for the past several weeks, we have been going through the book of Ephesians. Yesterday’s message touched on the act of stripping off our old sinful ways and becoming more like Christ. Pastor Rodney asked us to honestly assess which way our lives were growing- towards Christ or towards ungodliness. I know I have hit my rock bottom. Rehab was DEFINITELY my bottom. I know which way I need to be growing. But are all my actions and thoughts and beliefs pointing upwards? Am I doing everything I can for His kingdom? Am I walking my talk? This is where I honestly have to assess myself. After that service and an email conversation my wonderful friend whom I met at the Ranch, I can see where there are things that are still tinged and tainted with ED. A lot of things. And that concerns me. I thank God I am not where I WAS. But I still feel like I have a lot of work to do. I am imperfect. And I thank God everyday for my friends and family who KNOW this and see this in me, yet still love me. Even when I can’t. Because right now, I am kind of disgusted by me. Disgusted with the sinner I am. Disgusted with how Satan still uses ED to drive a wedge between me and life. But as God as my witness and with the strength I have in me, I will fight to kick down that barrier every day.
R.I.P ED
I LOVE YOU ALL~
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)