Enough~

   I have been trying to reach out to a friend who has been going through relationship problems lately. Most of the time I don’t know whether to try to spew out all the advice I have building up inside of me on his predicament or if I should keep my mouth shut and try to just listen. I straddle that thin line between my co-dependent self wanting desperately to fix it for him and my wise mind knowing that he has to go through this pain by himself…which sucks cause every fiber in me wishes I could take it from him. A lot of the depression-induced thoughts he is having really strike my own heart. Will I ever be able to have a healthy relationship? How can I allow myself to fully trust someone when I have been hurt so many times? What if God wants me to be alone? In hearing his agonized questioning, I had to step back and look at my own heart before I carefully responded to his deep intrigues.

   For many individuals, loneliness is kryptonite. Women have to go to the bathroom in large groups, for Heaven’s sake! In fact, just the other night I walked into a restaurant to meet a date there for dinner. Since I was a tad early, I waited inside at the front for him. The seating hostess asked if I was a party of one and I quickly told her that I was waiting for someone, silently thanking the good Lord that I didn’t have to be there eating alone. Awkward. But why? Why is that awkward? Why is it such an uncomfortable thing to go out to eat by yourself? To take yourself to the movies? Buy yourself flowers? We are meant to be in relationship with one another, but does it always mean that we must be looking for that in a partner? In a dating situation? For me, I don’t think it does. While I hope that God has a man out there for me to settle down with some day, I do not fear being “alone” for the rest of my life. Because I have experienced community and the fulfillment that it brings and I know I will never be truly ALONE. Why? Because 1. I have God, 2. I have family, and 3. I have a slew of other brothers and sisters in Christ to do life with! This has been made very apparent to me throughout this last year going through treatment, school, an amazing baptism, and joining a wonderful church. I no longer have to fear what others think of me. I don’t have to get absurdly nervous before going out on a casual date. (Though trust me…I still do! J ) Why? Because I AM WHAT I AM. If I try to make some man fall in love with the well behaved, put together woman I WISH and could PRETEND to be…he is falling in love with something that isn’t true. And though I may be able to keep the act up for a little while, sooner or later he will find the soot on my cheek and realize I ain’t no Cinderella! Instead, I want to go into the night being totally myself. My quirky, crazy, random, hyper self. I’m gonna order dessert, eat with my hands, tell you about how I love my family, am crazy about God, spend my free time in a library, and listen to Lady Gaga profusely. I’m going to show you the scars from where I trip over myself running, tell you my most embarrassing moment, and explain why I would rather read a book than go out drinking on a Friday night. Chances are I will show up 10 minutes early because I am OCD, have little to no makeup on, and may not be wearing pants cause I hate real clothes…(Don’t worry I will DEFINITELY be wearing bottoms of some sort….GOOD GRIEF!) I will shake my head when you go into rants about how much you work out, I will stop you at crude or racial jokes and rude smirks about someone sitting next to us, and I will cock my head in confusion when you start talking about video games and movies. This will probably drive most dudes away. This may prevent me from ever marrying. And I have accepted that IT’S OK. So to all those SINGLE peeps out there, don’t sweat it. Yes, it always nice to be with someone who tells you how awesome you are or buys you shiz…but the truth is…I have to be able to do that for myself FIRST before any man does that for me. Because otherwise I will just get angry at him, turn mean, green, and bulky and throw things at him like the Hulk. Because I don’t believe it. And no matter how much you try to convince me that I am not an ogre, I will not be able to take that into my speculatory heart without some major self- reconstruction first. And that is where it is up to me. To take time to learn what I actually like, instead of liking whatever THAT guy likes…instead of morphing myself into whatever Bob or Jerry or Tiny Tim want. I want to be what GOD wants. I want to be the daughter He intended me to be. And if that happens to fit into the mold of a relationship with a man, awesome! If not…mmm I might not feel so awesome…but I’ll get over it! Because God has other things planned! For He who has begun a good work in me will be faithful to complete it~ His plans are greater than anything I could ever construct. So here’s to throwin’ my hands up in the air, dancing to the beat of my own drum, enjoying bein’ single, and knowing that a party of ONE is just nifty, as well! Cause no matter what, I’m never ALONE~

This message has been brought to you by:

YOUR CHEEKY MONKEY, WIN J

Thanks and Giving~ 2013

I once had a dream...

That I was a slave to life itself. That I could not step outside without worrying about being seen by those around me who pleaded with me to stop the way I was living. I was constantly tired. No amount of sleep could remove the bags from my eyes and the exhaustion from my eyes. Each day felt like a horror movie placed on repeat. I woke up dreading the day before me, crippled with anxiety, just trying to make it through the hours until I get fall fitfully into a surface haze of sleep.
I was on the verge of being kicked out of my sober living home because I had relapsed on my eating disorder. Everyone looked at me with concern in their eyes, a grimace on their face.

I once had a dream that I was in living hell where I lived like this for YEARS...
I wish I could tell you I woke up from this bad dream. That everything is different now. That the voices don't plague me, the anxiety doesn't exist any longer. Instead of waking up to a complete and total transformation, each day I must change the dream I am living in. I must continuously fight the battle in my head and my natural desire to want to hurt myself.

I can tell you that my life is so different today~ It looks, feels, tastes different. As I was walking outside yesterday, I was struck HARD with a bus....

OK not a literal bus (did I scare you?? :P ) No, with a GOD bus! With a Happy Yellow-how thankful I am that my life has turned 180 degrees- BUS!

I am so thankful for all my friends and family who have stuck by me and love me with a love I cannot comprehend~ My family is lop-sided, quirky, and dysfunctional. But they are MY family. And I love them for that. Especially my best friend, my panda, my baby girl: My mom, Brenda Jane Fierce, who is the reason I breathe some days. "Sisters, sisters-Their were never such devoted sisters!" *LOVE

For the opportunity to be back at school studying what I love. Yes, it is stressful and sometimes I want to junk punch it all in the face and finally accept that I should just work at McDonalds forever. And then I giggle and put the pen to paper and push on. McDonalds my arse! I'll show you!!!

For the ability to run without shame, without fear of being seen by people who will yell at me (though they didn't ever yell they were just concerned:(. I am so thankful I don't have to hide constantly. NOW I can run without the shame of knowing that I am hurting my body. I am no longer a slave to it, but rather run on sheer passion and exuberance for the energy I have been given to live life again.

MOST of all, I am thankful for God's gift of His grace, His never ending patience. Because I am one silly, stubborn nifkin who likes to screw things up...ALOT. I always think I can do it MY way. False. When will I learn this? No idea. But thank God I have a Heavenly Father who doesn't require me to pass some test, who holds me to a certain GPA, a bill I have to pay each month for my salvation, a certain number of hours I have to work, a number I must weigh, a size I must fit- an empty shell I must be. No. He wants me to be my weird, crazy, Winter self. I don't know why. I don't understand why He loves THIS. But I can feel Him. And I know in some way (though sometimes Satan tries to convince me otherwise) HE DOES LOVE ME. For when I look back at where I was last year, where I have been, and what my life is like today...I see His love~ And it is astounding to me. I am blessed. And I want YOU all to know what a joy you are to this world. Even when you don't feel like it, YOU ARE. Simply because you breathe. This is a truth I am trying to learn each day, slowly. And though life seems impossibly insurmountable at times and I would rather crawl through crushed glass, I simple remember- He dies for US. He hasn't dropped me on my head yet...:)

Happy Thanksgiving to all! Know that I am so Thankful for YOU~ Gobble gobble!

Homecoming

The University of Idaho just celebrated a win for their Homecoming game~ Simultaneously, Heaven is celebrating the arrival of an amazing woman~

I found out recently that a wonderful woman I went to treatment in Arizona with several years ago passed away from acute pancreatitis due to years of alcohol abuse and bulimia. I am shocked. My heart breaks for the family. It was a huge wake up call. This shit is real. And it takes lives. This woman was beyond strong. She was smart, beautiful, eloquent, athletic, and talented in so many ways. She was a daughter, a friend, a woman of God. And her life was cut short but this sick disease. Ravaged by years of ED, her body could not take it anymore. At 21 years old…this terrifies me. As it should. Yet, the deceitfulness of my disease will tell me that I am immortal. I am exempt from the effects of Anorexia or Bulimia. But the truth is, that could be any one of us. I wish I could open up the eyes of those who suffer to the truth. I wish I could believe it myself. That we are more than this shell. We no longer have to suffer because HE took that suffering for us. It seems an impossible cycle to break when you have been living this way for so long…Sometimes I wonder if it is possible to live free of it…All I can do is live one day at a time…and pray to God for strength~

I miss you sweet girl. I pray that you have found solace from the demands of this disgusting disease…Comfort from the storm. And a soft place to finally lay your weary head. Your life will not be forgotten, your death will not be in vain. Here is to your Homecoming, love.

R.I.P

That damn dark chocolate...

ED hates chocolate…Winter…well, if you put anything remotely resembling dark chocolate covered ANYTHING in front of her, prepare for it to be consumed like it is going out of style, like it is being discontinued, never to be found on the shelves again after this sighting. I will devour it. Period. ED hates me…He hates the fact that I have a sick sweet tooth. That I love to eat. That I enjoy food. And not just carrots and celery...no FOOD~ Sugary, gooey, chocolate dipped, fat ridden food. I look around at all the women around me and feel such guilt. Such shame. I hear him telling me that I am the only one who comes back from a weekend at home with a Costco sized bag of dark chocolate covered pretzels and devours nearly the entire bag in three days…He tells me that I am not worthy of wearing the new clothes I bought because I don’t deserve them and I should starve before I wear anything new. He tells me I should cut myself because I told myself I wouldn’t eat sweets after getting home and then in moments of intense weakness I eat them. Lots of them (called ironic processes- the more you try not to think about the chocolate “hiding” in the cupboard, the more you hear it calling your name…)

I am tired…sick and tired of this. Of loathing myself. Of not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. Of wanting to cut my wrists with everything and anything I find on the sidewalk as I walk to class. Of endless suicidal ideations running through my racing mind. Yep, I am following somewhat of a meal plan. And I am STILL eating all this shiz on top of it…and no matter how many times my dietitian tells me that I am still prolly “hyper-metabolic” ED just screams…YOU FAT LARD YOU NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT! You are disgusting…

And I am breaking down…I don’t want to deal with it anymore. And I don’t know how to stop. I feel so out of control. So weak. For eating. For indulging. I don’t know what people see…All I know is I see a giant pig. I feel like a tub of lard. And I am terrified right now. Terrified of my body…But more terrified of the all these feelings and emotions and strings of hatred running through my tired mind…

Someone throw me a life line…

Surrender~

I haven't posted in a while...I am back in school and all the writing I seem to do is for school...blarg.    I am taking a poetry class for my one last required Humanities class and find myself loving it. I am writing poetry left and right...and mostly during wee hours of the morning when I SHOULD be sleeping or in other classes when I SHOULD be listening...oops. But I wanted to share this one with you~ May your paths be easy today, your burden light <3

 

 

Surrender

Feet pounding the pavement, I run for all I’m worth.

(Since that is all I am worth)

 A number, a mileage, a weight on the scale

Be faster, be smarter, be skinnier than a rail.

Smaller than her? Tinnier than that?

All I see staring back at me, all I feel…

Is fat.

This is no laughing matter, it’s no mental trick

I loathe every cell, the sight makes me sick

You told me all I’m worth is the size of my waist

In that case, I’m down for the count, in for the chase.

This is no longer a game, I will win first place in this race.

Mile one flew by, followed by root marker three.

And before she knew it, she was sprinting free

Free from the comments, the pressures, the stares

Throwing all caution to the wind, shrugging off all of her cares

The miles kept on passing, time flying by

Don’t stop now sweet girl, for if you do you might die.

But if you don’t, well then my dear, of this I am certain.

You will not make the final scene, life shall draw the last curtain.

Thus, each day I straddle the imaginary line

Between life, so uncomfortable, and death so divine.

Carry on now brave soldier, keep up the good fight

Your burden is oh so heavy, but His yoke is easy n’ light.

Forgiven is the word tattooed on your wrist

Don’t ever say, “When I’m gone I won’t even be missed.”

Your life is worth something, it was everything to me.

I already paid the price, I died on that tree.

“This isn’t going to be easy, God, I’m scared to death can’t you see!”

“All you can do is your best,” He replies.

“Just let go and trust me.”

If you're goin through hell...

I want to scream. I want to cut. I want to eject it all from my body and erase everything from my hips, my stomach, my thighs…I hate it…I hate the pictures…my full face…my butt...my tree trunk legs…

I am not used to this body, this life…My Mom keeps saying that this is normal~ That this is living life~ Not just existing. I am not sure I like this though…It.Feels.So.Wrong. So uncomfortable. So uncertain. So vulnerable. And I feel full~ All the time. Never wanting. It is so strange. To eat. To NOT withhold. To go against the grain, the judgment, the comments about others bodies, and the ceaseless talk of the gym…the obsession I crave… to lose lose lose lose. To do the opposite of what ED wants me do. To refuse to be a slave. To give in. “Ah screw it!” Bring. It. on~ I will definitely have seconds! Two, please! More! Hungry~ Mhmm! Yup! Sure!

The whole time…”Ummmmmm…HELLO! What the H. E. double hockey sticks are you doing!!!!” runs through my head… ED is angry…furious. Smoke pouring out of his ears…quite a sight I must say.

Yes-to food. To a surprise lunch with my brother in Spokane. And then out to dinner. Then getting froyo cause I have to have a H.S. snack somewhere…Then the next day to breakfast out at my favorite coffee shop~ To less running. To a switch up in my daily routine. Saying YES. To all of the above. To life. To full. It feels so abnormal. I can’t look in the mirror. Denim makes me cringe. I am constantly berating myself. I am terrified all the late night ice cream and snack runs are going to catch up on me. Surely positive…that I look huge. Only seeing one thing… Heinous. Yes, I am able to do all I want. Run, walk, hike, bike, swim, kiss, love, hug, move, lift, withstand, fight, push back, comfort, lay, dance, rest, jump, twirl, skip, smile, cry, laugh, yell. Which also means saying yes to nourishment which equals energy. Which is realllllly freakin’ freaky. But this is the trade off. Can’t have one without the other. Tried it. Been there done that. Then why do I keep trying to duplicate the same experiment to see if I get a different result? Why, the definition of insanity of course! Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.  Hate that. Well I’m done pretending that if I put zero in ten will come out. It don’t work that way. Fuckin’ wish it did. But it doesn’t. Get it through your thick skull, Winter. Accept the things you cannot change, change the things you can, and be wise enough to know the difference. Oh yeah…and surrender. Quit bein’ stubborn. Thanks. Me. Cause if you hadn’t have gone with the flow, you wouldn’t have gotten to spend that time with those you care about. You would have ditched them all for ED~ And you would have been lonely and sad. And those around you would have been sad and disappointed. And pissed. And I’d rather have ED pissed at me then those I love. I have hurt them ENOUGH. And by saying YES to this way and not MY way, I was able to live in the present. Though it is uncomfortable and definitely scary, I have a feeling life in recovery is always going to be slightly terrifying…But that is the beauty of faith…God promises to give us everything we need…even though we will not be necessarily comfortable. At all. This was made clear to me when I went to church this Sunday morning, the last time before I head to school. Before I left, I prayed that God would speak directly to me. Needless to say, I bawled the whole time. Thanks God…I wanted to hear you…but not THIS loud. The message was on Acts chapter 16~ Paul and Silas are planning on heading to Asia to preach, droppin’ by the city of Bithynia on the way. But God had another plan. The Holy Spirit re-routes them, sending them to Macedonia after Paul is sent a vision of a man asking for their help. They meet a woman named Lydia from the city of Thyatira and she knew the Lord and her heart was opened and they baptized her and all was great! Then they met this other chick who was demon possessed. Yipes. She followed them around and ran her mouth and Paul got pissed and finally commanded the demon out of her. Well, when the masters who were allegedly makin money off this broad found out, they were not pleased. They brought Paul and Silas to the magistrates and the officials ordered for them to be severely beaten with rods and imprisoned. Not quite as fun as hangin’ with Lydia! Yet, while they were chained up in stocks sittin in prison, they were singing hymns and praying, havin’ their H.S. snack I am SURE and suddenly there was a GINORMOUS earthquake and everyone’s chains were unlocked! WOOT! The prison guard was pretty disturbed by this and was about to off himself cause he knew he would be in big doodoo with his bosses, but Paul yelled, “Hey! Don’t hurt yourself! We are all right here, just chillin! Put the sword down, eh?” And then they told this dude about Jesus and the guard took them home and cleaned their wounds and fed them and he too believed in the Lord and his household was saved!~

How cool is that!? Paul and Silas thought they were going to go to Asia to preach, but God was like…NOPE! I got better things in store for you! Even though Paul and Silas were beaten, thrown in prison, and prolly not too happy…they STILL, through it all, brought God glory and used the shit they were going through to reach others for Christ. KUDOS DUDES!  

The pastor began sharing again, in his low, consoling, understanding, ‘he’s going to make me weep really hard now’ voice about how he knows many of us are in a tough place in our lives as well~ Asking, wondering WHY? He then invited those of us who were going through a rough time in our own life- with family, health, LIFE etc. to stand as he prayed for us. By this time I was in the butt-ugly sob stage, snot shooting out every which way, and mascara leaving little happy trails down my cheeks (NOT pretty!)        I coulda sworn he was talking directly to me. Winter was way too embarrassed to stand up. But God made me stand up. Thanks again God. Others laid hands on and prayed for me. At first I was freakin’ out inside. But eventually, the peace of God suddenly came over me. Cause He’s got me. Always. It could be so much worse. Yep, life is scary right now. I am fearful and untrusting. But He hasn’t dropped me on my head yet…and He has spared me thus far for some crazy reason. My life didn’t take the direction I ‘planned’ it would, but God will and can use what I am going through for HIS glory~ So I wanted to take this time to encourage all those going through a hard time around me too that inspired this piece~ YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE~

If you’re going through hell, KEEP ON GOIN! I am here!

And I want to thank all of those who have continually checked in on me throughout this struggle. THANK YOU~ I love you!

~Let us be the Paul and Silas of this generation~ Bootypops and cat calls for Jesus! J

There will be dancing

I broke every single rule I have for myself today. I slept in. I got up. I went back to bed. I rolled out of bed just in time to drive my mom to work. I didn't work out. I didn't shower. I didn't touch the messy bun my hair was in, the same way i slept the night before in. I didn't go to my regular coffee shop. I didn't get my regular. I spent money...on myself...$8.67 to be exact. I got a latte. I couldn't  decide between the iced scone or the jumbo muffin. So I got both. And I ate both. And I didn't chastise myself afterwards. I didn't cut myself. Though I may have pinched. I forgave myself. Though I may have repressed what I just did. Then I walked. I didn't run. I stopped frequently and took on my surroundings. I said hello to everyone I passed. I talked to strangers. I laughed out loud. I cried in public, allowing the tears to fall. I used a public restroom and didn't hover over the toilet seat, probably contracting all sorts of diseases. Lol I dipped my toes in the water and walked barefoot around the lake. I stopped and thought and pondered and allowed all the thoughts and questions of life to lap against me like waves. What if I have destroyed all hopes of having a family? What if I can't do this? What if I can't do this? What if I have bent all relationships past the point of reconciliation? What if I never find love or am incapable of opening my heart to it? What if I eat myself to death? What if I gain 50 pounds? What if I can never trust myself again? What if I do nothing productive in this life? What if Iose mom? A family member, someone I love? Why do I hate myself? Why do I loathe and fight and desperately try to master my body, pouring every ounce of myself into working it down, running it dry? Why do I love the pain and live for the depth of satisfaction I gain from the loss? What is bliss and will I ever know it? Will I ever be able to allow myself to? Why do I second guess and question everything? Why would I rather eat muffins and chocolate than carrots and celery? Why can't I be a plant and produce energy by photosynthesis? Why are these feelings so intense? Why can't I fix this for them? Why must they suffer? Why can't I just take it on for them? Why must I feel I should do so when HE already has? Why can't I trust Him indefinitely, completely, totally? Why am I walking this earth? Why do I deserve life? What can I give back? What is my purpose? What will God use this broken, scarred, glob of questioning, uncertainty, and doubt for? Will I live to grow old and grey? Will I make a difference? Will I bring glory to God? Will it always feel this unstable? This breakable? This fragile? Will you give me the strength to stand up for what is right? The ability to say "I was wrong, I am sorry, will you forgive me?" and not punish myself afterwards? Will I ever be able to let a morsel of food pass my lips without calculation of ever gram? Will there be joy? Will there peace? There will be struggle,but will there be victory? I know there will be dark, and there will be dawn. And by God, there had better be dancing.