I want to scream. I want to cut. I want to eject it all from
my body and erase everything from my hips, my stomach, my thighs…I hate it…I
hate the pictures…my full face…my butt...my tree trunk legs…
I am not used to this body, this life…My Mom keeps saying
that this is normal~ That this is living life~ Not just existing. I am not sure
I like this though…It.Feels.So.Wrong. So uncomfortable. So uncertain. So
vulnerable. And I feel full~ All the time. Never wanting. It is so strange. To
eat. To NOT withhold. To go against the grain, the judgment, the comments about
others bodies, and the ceaseless talk of the gym…the obsession I crave…
to lose lose lose lose. To do the opposite of what ED wants me do. To refuse to
be a slave. To give in. “Ah screw it!” Bring. It. on~ I will definitely
have seconds! Two, please! More! Hungry~ Mhmm! Yup! Sure!
The whole time…”Ummmmmm…HELLO! What the H. E. double hockey
sticks are you doing!!!!” runs through my head… ED is angry…furious. Smoke
pouring out of his ears…quite a sight I must say.
Yes-to food. To a surprise lunch with my brother in Spokane.
And then out to dinner. Then getting froyo cause I have to have a H.S. snack
somewhere…Then the next day to breakfast out at my favorite coffee shop~ To
less running. To a switch up in my daily routine. Saying YES. To all of the
above. To life. To full. It feels so abnormal. I can’t look in the mirror.
Denim makes me cringe. I am constantly berating myself. I am terrified all the
late night ice cream and snack runs are going to catch up on me. Surely
positive…that I look huge. Only seeing one thing… Heinous. Yes, I am able to do
all I want. Run, walk, hike, bike, swim, kiss, love, hug, move, lift,
withstand, fight, push back, comfort, lay, dance, rest, jump, twirl, skip,
smile, cry, laugh, yell. Which also means saying yes to nourishment which
equals energy. Which is realllllly freakin’ freaky. But this is the trade off.
Can’t have one without the other. Tried it. Been there done that. Then why do I
keep trying to duplicate the same experiment to see if I get a different
result? Why, the definition of insanity of course! Doing the same thing over
and over expecting a different result.
Hate that. Well I’m done pretending that if I put zero in ten will come
out. It don’t work that way. Fuckin’ wish it did. But it doesn’t. Get it
through your thick skull, Winter. Accept the things you cannot change, change
the things you can, and be wise enough to know the difference. Oh yeah…and surrender.
Quit bein’ stubborn. Thanks. Me. Cause if you hadn’t have gone with the flow,
you wouldn’t have gotten to spend that time with those you care about. You
would have ditched them all for ED~ And you would have been lonely and sad. And
those around you would have been sad and disappointed. And pissed. And I’d
rather have ED pissed at me then those I love. I have hurt them ENOUGH. And by
saying YES to this way and not MY way, I was able to live in the present.
Though it is uncomfortable and definitely scary, I have a feeling life in
recovery is always going to be slightly terrifying…But that is the beauty of
faith…God promises to give us everything we need…even though we will not
be necessarily comfortable. At all. This was made clear to me when I went to church
this Sunday morning, the last time before I head to school. Before I left, I
prayed that God would speak directly to me. Needless to say, I bawled the whole
time. Thanks God…I wanted to hear you…but not THIS loud. The message was on
Acts chapter 16~ Paul and Silas are planning on heading to Asia to preach,
droppin’ by the city of Bithynia on the way. But God had another plan. The Holy
Spirit re-routes them, sending them to Macedonia after Paul is sent a vision of
a man asking for their help. They meet a woman named Lydia from the city of
Thyatira and she knew the Lord and her heart was opened and they baptized her
and all was great! Then they met this other chick who was demon possessed.
Yipes. She followed them around and ran her mouth and Paul got pissed and
finally commanded the demon out of her. Well, when the masters who were
allegedly makin money off this broad found out, they were not pleased. They
brought Paul and Silas to the magistrates and the officials ordered for them to
be severely beaten with rods and imprisoned. Not quite as fun as hangin’ with
Lydia! Yet, while they were chained up in stocks sittin in prison, they were
singing hymns and praying, havin’ their H.S. snack I am SURE and suddenly there
was a GINORMOUS earthquake and everyone’s chains were unlocked! WOOT! The
prison guard was pretty disturbed by this and was about to off himself cause he
knew he would be in big doodoo with his bosses, but Paul yelled, “Hey! Don’t
hurt yourself! We are all right here, just chillin! Put the sword down, eh?”
And then they told this dude about Jesus and the guard took them home and
cleaned their wounds and fed them and he too believed in the Lord and his
household was saved!~
How cool is that!? Paul and Silas thought they were going to
go to Asia to preach, but God was like…NOPE! I got better things in store for
you! Even though Paul and Silas were beaten, thrown in prison, and prolly not
too happy…they STILL, through it all, brought God glory and used the shit they
were going through to reach others for Christ. KUDOS DUDES!
The pastor began sharing again, in his low, consoling,
understanding, ‘he’s going to make me weep really hard now’ voice about how he
knows many of us are in a tough place in our lives as well~ Asking, wondering
WHY? He then invited those of us who were going through a rough time in our own
life- with family, health, LIFE etc. to stand as he prayed for us. By this time
I was in the butt-ugly sob stage, snot shooting out every which way, and
mascara leaving little happy trails down my cheeks (NOT pretty!) I coulda sworn he was talking directly
to me. Winter was way too embarrassed to stand up. But God made me stand up.
Thanks again God. Others laid hands on and prayed for me. At first I was
freakin’ out inside. But eventually, the peace of God suddenly came over me.
Cause He’s got me. Always. It could be so much worse. Yep, life is scary right
now. I am fearful and untrusting. But He hasn’t dropped me on my head yet…and
He has spared me thus far for some crazy reason. My life didn’t take the
direction I ‘planned’ it would, but God will and can use what I am going
through for HIS glory~ So I wanted to take this time to encourage all those
going through a hard time around me too that inspired this piece~ YOU KNOW
WHO YOU ARE~
If you’re going through hell, KEEP ON GOIN! I am here!
And I want to thank all of those who have continually
checked in on me throughout this struggle. THANK YOU~ I love you!
~Let us be the Paul and Silas of this generation~ Bootypops
and cat calls for Jesus! J
