This last week or so, ED has been pretty brutal on me.
“You are eating too much, you fat cow. You are gaining
weight. You look so disgusting. Why are you eating that?”
I have had the 19 voices in my head screaming at me
constantly…:/ You see, they get especially loud when my routine is disturbed
and I am pushed out of my comfort zone. I feel like I am caught in a tornado, twisting,
pulling me this way and that…my heart wanting to be normal…my head so loud.
Yesterday afternoon I met up with my boyfriend, Jeremy, and
my mom and walked around downtown Coeur
d’ Alene, ogling all the booths set up for Art on The Green~ Strolling around
in the sun after it had rained for 48 hours straight, donning iced coffee’s
from Java, holding hands, smiling from ear to ear, I was carefully avoiding the
place in my brain beating me down for how much I had eaten lately, trying to
avoid adding up the calories, the feelings of guilt, and the plans on how to
restrict later.
So I practiced just being~ Just walking, looking, finding.
Love, peace, joy, happiness. Knowing that I have two of my favorite people
beside me, my bestie B. Jane Fierce and Jeremy, who I can go grocery shopping
with and manage to have fun! Not knowing where it is going to go, but willing
to put my heart on the line. Trusting. Letting the breeze take me where it may.
When a thought hit me like a wind gust.
I may not be the skinniest, the prettiest, the smartest, the
richest. But by God, I will be understanding, outgoing, caring, considerate,
intuitive, adventurous, trustworthy, honest, true. If nothing else, I will be
ALIVE, dang it. I will not be ‘that girl’. The one who wears so much frosting
to the beach that she looks like she should be heading to prom instead. The
girls who spends two plus hours getting ready in the morning, doin’ her hair,
finding the perfect outfit. The girl that subsists solely off of coffee and
diet pills. No. I will NOT be that girl. But I will be the girl who always has
a book that she is reading and a suggestion for a perfect coffee shop, quite
but classy. A girl who cares more about her family and friends than how many
pairs of shoes she owns. The girl who wears her tennis shoes everywhere instead
of stilettos cause you never know what mountain you gonna have/want to climb.
I’ll be that girl people-watching, making up stories about their lives in my
head- and then I will drift far, far away, making up my own plans, desires, and
theories about my own life. My hopes, my dreams. And I will stash them in the
back of my mind, allowing them to skate across the surface of my heart. And I
will lay my head on my pillow at night and fall asleep listening to the gentle
hum of hope. Of promises of a FULL life~ And yes, I will be that girl who is
tucked in bed by 10 pm…cause it’s the early bird that gets the worm. And it is
the dreamer that finds the gift. Life~
