There will be dancing

I broke every single rule I have for myself today. I slept in. I got up. I went back to bed. I rolled out of bed just in time to drive my mom to work. I didn't work out. I didn't shower. I didn't touch the messy bun my hair was in, the same way i slept the night before in. I didn't go to my regular coffee shop. I didn't get my regular. I spent money...on myself...$8.67 to be exact. I got a latte. I couldn't  decide between the iced scone or the jumbo muffin. So I got both. And I ate both. And I didn't chastise myself afterwards. I didn't cut myself. Though I may have pinched. I forgave myself. Though I may have repressed what I just did. Then I walked. I didn't run. I stopped frequently and took on my surroundings. I said hello to everyone I passed. I talked to strangers. I laughed out loud. I cried in public, allowing the tears to fall. I used a public restroom and didn't hover over the toilet seat, probably contracting all sorts of diseases. Lol I dipped my toes in the water and walked barefoot around the lake. I stopped and thought and pondered and allowed all the thoughts and questions of life to lap against me like waves. What if I have destroyed all hopes of having a family? What if I can't do this? What if I can't do this? What if I have bent all relationships past the point of reconciliation? What if I never find love or am incapable of opening my heart to it? What if I eat myself to death? What if I gain 50 pounds? What if I can never trust myself again? What if I do nothing productive in this life? What if Iose mom? A family member, someone I love? Why do I hate myself? Why do I loathe and fight and desperately try to master my body, pouring every ounce of myself into working it down, running it dry? Why do I love the pain and live for the depth of satisfaction I gain from the loss? What is bliss and will I ever know it? Will I ever be able to allow myself to? Why do I second guess and question everything? Why would I rather eat muffins and chocolate than carrots and celery? Why can't I be a plant and produce energy by photosynthesis? Why are these feelings so intense? Why can't I fix this for them? Why must they suffer? Why can't I just take it on for them? Why must I feel I should do so when HE already has? Why can't I trust Him indefinitely, completely, totally? Why am I walking this earth? Why do I deserve life? What can I give back? What is my purpose? What will God use this broken, scarred, glob of questioning, uncertainty, and doubt for? Will I live to grow old and grey? Will I make a difference? Will I bring glory to God? Will it always feel this unstable? This breakable? This fragile? Will you give me the strength to stand up for what is right? The ability to say "I was wrong, I am sorry, will you forgive me?" and not punish myself afterwards? Will I ever be able to let a morsel of food pass my lips without calculation of ever gram? Will there be joy? Will there peace? There will be struggle,but will there be victory? I know there will be dark, and there will be dawn. And by God, there had better be dancing.