The semester from hell~

So much has happened in the last few months of this semester. I went from planning my life with someone, looking forward to not only the future, but OUR future. Knowing every day I would be in the arms of the one I loved…to having my heart shattered in a way I never thought possible. I didn’t know it was possible to feel like that…Like every breathe I took in filled my lungs with charring coals. My one true love…the love of writing, I couldn’t even make words express the sheer raw emotion I was feeling. I still don’t know if I can. Every time I saw the same model of car you drove, I became physically ill. The pictures on my phone of us that popped up at the worst times, even when I thought I had deleted them all. The little boy that looks identical to you when you were small…the one I work with…EVERY day…the very one I had to lay beside, rub his back till he fell asleep…the same way I did for you. No more arms to hold me at night, no voice in the morning saying good morning. No more.

I thought I had lost myself. I didn’t want to live anymore if everything in my life reminded me of what once and never would be any longer. I tried. I tried to starve it away…run it away…drink it away. But my damn mind, it kept following me. Because the problem was ME. Not you. Sure YOU left…but I was still left with all the voices in my head making up all these reasons as to why you did.

“I’m not enough of this…too much of that…” Until I realized I would end up killing myself coming up with all these reasons to fill in the unknowns, the vast crevice of God knows what. Obviously I am far from perfect. A relationship is a two way deal. I own what I own. And for that I am sorry. I did the best with what I knew. I don’t know how to let someone love something I hate…myself. Well, it is time I find out.

I don’t know where the turning point was…I don’t think there was one. Cause as people kept telling me…It just took time. I am one impatient woman…so it was tortuous. But with every day that rose, I made a choice, to believe that things happen for a reason. That no matter how hurt I was, I had to move forward. So now I thank you. I thank you for the time we had together. I don’t regret a thing I did. I don’t believe in living with regrets. I acquired the strength I needed to overcome the memory of you, the distant memory you have become. I felt the rain on my face and the sun on my skin all at once, like an endless wave of emotion rushing over me. I know now I am stronger than I realize because of this. So thank you.

And thank you to all those who literally pulled me through. This semester has been horrible to say the least. Yet there have been some amazing moments throughout.

For the first time in my life, as I traveled back to Rosewood in Arizona to share my experience and hope in Recovery, I was exactly where I needed to be. Being able to be there for someone else who is walking through the same journey of anorexia and hold them as they fought was a gift I was given and completely irreplaceable. This is my purpose, why I am alive.

I struggle every day. But having those memories of those patients faces, of the alumni, the staff surrounding me as I shared my story, reminded me of what I have been through. Hell. And how God pulled me through that because through Him all things are possible. He most certainly will help me get through this semester. Through school. Through endless heartbreak. Tormenting nightmares. Moments I feel I can’t go on. The epic fear of the future, the fear of being rejected and utter failure.

Until I remember. There is no such thing as failure. Only learning experiences. No matter where you are at in life, it can be used for good. You are never too far off the beaten path to find your way back onto the trail leading you on your journey. Never end points, just maybe a detour here or there.

 I sure don’t know what on earth is planned for my life. I think God is hilarious…because He knew the biggest challenge for me is letting go of control…and daily He puts that control in a blender, annihilates it, hands it back to with a smirk on His face, Grace cloaking His voice, and love in His eyes and He asks me for the thousandth time:

“Are you done now? Will you trust me?”

 My earthly father looked at me just this past weekend and said words I never thought I would hear from his mouth, “I am so proud of you, of the woman you have become. I know God has an amazing plan for you.”

I don’t know what that plan is…but day by day I get up and with His strength only, onward I go.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

Romans 8:38: But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Summer 2014

     So...summer break has come and gone. Parents are giddily getting their children supplied with new crayons and fresh notebooks, eagerly anticipating when they can ship their little hooligans off to school. I remember this time of year fondly, back when I worked at Target, and had to put away the MASS amounts of clothing children would try on. Moms would stroll up with shopping carts full of clothes for her daughter or son, then spend hours trying them on, only deciding to buy a few select items leaving me with a pile full of rumpled up clothing I had to disentangle and put away. Now, as I sit reflecting on my '14 summer, I cannot help but feel totally gipped. I had all these plans. Plans to get a rocking tan, go on long camping trips and arduous hikes, study diligently for my GRE, vacation to Oregon, write a book, create world peace, save third world countries, fight the multiplying forest fires, end world hunger and stop all these silly ‘water bucket’ challenges. Needless to say, I didn’t accomplish much on my summer ‘to do’ list. :/ As classes near and my heart races as I think about the upcoming essays, and tests, long hours studying in the library with way too much caffeine dripping through my veins, I don’t know whether to be mad, sad, angry…or just super anxious like I am now…SO instead of dwelling on the things I DIDN’T do, I am going to be positive and thankful for all the things I did get to do! Thus, here is the run down...my compilation of Winter’s summer 2014 shenanigans list:

·         I went to Silverwood for the first time! First roller coaster! Screamed my head off…I have never seen my friends laugh that hard…J

·         Got to be in my first wedding and see my beautiful friend who I cherish so much, Crystal Beavers, get married to her AWESOMELY hilarious husband Patrick in Seattle where I had my 1^st ever shot of tequila!!! J

·         Attended my friend’s bday party as his ‘special guest of honor’ which was too cute and had some of the craziest cake-shaped like a ’14 hands’ wine bottle! OH and learned how to two-step country dance with Crystal, taught by some old dude at the bar we were at! :) I don’t think I have ever had the hick-ups that badly though…:/ #tequila, white Russian, white wine, champagne, beer, shots…TOO MUCH MIXING

·         Applied for nearly a million jobs throughout CDA- ranging from secretary to overseeing the parasail station at the lake! (I actually got the parasailing job…but turned it down!) BECAUSE I got a job at Scratch restaurant as a server/hostess where I was blessed to work at this summer! Catering for weddings, wine tastings, special dinners- It was an awesome experience! Discovered white wine…#1^st time…and brie cheese. Holy batman. I now can now add opening bottles of wine to my skill list…Met some awesome people, and some definite CRANKY people…lol but it was rad and I can’t wait to see them again at Christmas breakJ

·         Set some boundaries with people in my life I needed to. Took care of my health and wellbeing when my initial housing plan didn’t work out. Made grown up decisions. YAY ME

·         Healed up from a nasty hip/leg injury and now can run again! pain free!

·         Went swimming…mmm…maybe four times:/

·         Orange is the New Black

·         Read nothing but status updates on facebook...and fortunes from panda express.

·         Listened to Pandora religiously

·         Missed all the fireworks on fourth of July cause I fell asleep (AKA passed out:/ LOL)

·         Snap chat for two weeks and then forgot I had it.

·         Got to go on someone’s 21 run J

·         Lived off ice cream…like every night…:/ Seriously…Cold stone knew us by heart…#regulars

·         Oh and peanut butter…#fordayz

·         And blended chais and mocha frappachinos. Discovered Mexican mocha fraps and Calypsos…mmmmmtastymmmmm #somuchforeatingmygreensallsummer #oops #sorrynotsorry

·         Used way too many hashtags…

·         My bike got stolen…and then two days later I found it! THANKSGOD!

·         Home brewed beer at someone’s GORGEOUS house. It took six hours. Six. Long. Hours. :/

·         KROC CENTER WAS MY SECOND HOME…besides work

·         Makeup? Nope. Sweats? ALWAYS. And skirts/dresses when sweats were completely out of the question.

·         Befriended the old lady next door…

·         Bought gas twice…grocery shopped 3 times, and didn’t try ANY clothes on…EVER. SCORE.

·         Worked Car d Alene, Ironman, fourth of July, and Art on the Green. Got to see the first Ironman finisher of 2014! AMAZING!

·         Got to see my two amazing friends, Erin and Zach, become Mr. and Mrs. Davis! Quite possibly the cutest wedding #EVER

·         Movies were my solace at the end of a long day when all my words were used up and I could only communicate with Jeremy in grunts…

·         Which leads me to the bestest part of my summer? Getting to see my best friend/boyfriend/love every day…Jeremy. HE put up with me when I started my new job and literally didn’t know how to function for 2 weeks. He fed me coffee and ice cream whenever I needed. And when I didn’t need it. Quizzed me on my GRE terms. Gym partner. Movie date. Drove all the way to Seattle and got HORRIBLY lost just to come see me in the wedding I was in. Bought me Red’s hard cider and mango margaritas. Late night Panda Express runs. 5AM mornings when we were literally incoherent. Back rubs…where lots of puppies died :/ Night time swims in the lake when it was just too bloody hot to sleep. Tickle fights. Cold Spaghettios. Endless giggling at inappropriate Facebook memes. Not judging me for air drying ALL my clothes. Putting up with me fawning over every baby I laid eyes on. SLUG BUG champ. The word ‘ratchet’ being used by me way more times than ever necessary. His poor roommate walking in on me peeing. Sorry Andy…so sorry. Water fights. Not punching me in the face…or running away when things got hard. Letting me be me…with all my weirdness…and being so immensely patient.

 

Overall, though my summer may not have gone how I planned it in my head, it went just as God had wanted it. And that is good enough for meJ Here’s to an amazing summer…to a summer in recovery…with many more to come…to the next phase of my life.

#BRINGITSENIORYEAR

Turn down for what?

ü  Just eat something…

ü  This is all in your head…

ü  You look fine.

ü  You are so skinny! How do you do it?!

ü  If you were a stronger Christian/person, you could just stop doing this.

I have heard it all…

The one I got just recently…”You could never tell you were sick!”

This statement was one of the hardest to swallow…though all are hard for someone with an ED to hear. Just because you don’t look like a skeleton MUST mean you don’t struggle…Just because your weight isn’t exceptionally low obviously means you have it all put together internally, mentally, emotionally. The reality could not be further from the truth. Nothing was more disheartening to me than when I was in treatment for anorexia and a mentally incapacitated person would finally walk through the door in desperate need of help, seeking, begging, searching. And then maybe…after three days, once their weight had “stabilized”, they were booted because some all-knowing insurance companies deemed them medically stable. It makes me so angry.

Why did I deserve treatment and they didn’t based on such a minute marker as a number? Such insignificance. Yet still, in my daily life, I am dictated by numbers. My mood, how much I eat, how long I work out, competing with another woman at the gym based on their outsides, comparing what I eat to the finicky women ordering her dressing on the side. Hold this. None of that. It is everywhere. Everywhere I turn there is some ad for this new fast weight loss product or this new diet trend. Don’t eat this or that. Well hell! I mine as well not eat anything then! That is where my head goes. And lately, my head has been very loud. Calculating. Correcting. Cramming. What I need to do in order to burn it off before I even put the nutrients to my mouth or taste its essence on my lips. LIFE. No longer can look at food as calories, read a label, count carbs. No. Food has to be my medicine. The fuel that drives my body. The electricity that powers my brain. I feel like a very tired fish...swimming upstream, fighting against an ocean of people obsessed with outward appearances. Training for this, swearing off that. Cause if we breathe in too much air now, we will get fat. Where is the logic in that? Tell me, when will it end? When will we think more about what is in our hearts than our plates? Or check our attitudes out rather than body checking in the mirror, calorie counting on our phones, or BMI calculating online? When will we worry more about how much time we spent loving on others than how long we were at the gym for? The amount of compassion we have rather than the size of our backside, thighs, or hip to waist ratio? When will we tune up our outlook on life rather than focusing on solely toning our biceps? Go to church one day…compared to the gym multiple times in a week. Unfortunately, my carnal nature and automatic response is to give it to my body rather than give it to God. To focus on ALL OF THE ABOVE. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle…I fight society and its norms…but mostly I fight myself and my own expectations. And frankly, I am getting tired of fighting. I am letting go. Of numbers, sizes, scales, calories, fat grams, jeans and anything without an elastic waist line, diet plans, structured and rigid meal plans, hours spent with no sleep-empty-alone in quietness I create for myself. Controlled chaos may have been my best friend and loyal lover, but I can no longer seek the approval of those whose opinions will mean nothing in the end. I must fight for those who never had the chance to find their peace, their freedom. ED is a deceptive bastard. This disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful. Just this year, we have lost too many souls to this darkness. Days ago we lost our beloved Robin Williams to depression and addiction. It is all the same-just with a different face. It will consume you. Death is the end result. Or a sad, sick, empty life dedicated to futile efforts of perfection, escape from a reality that is always waiting for you, a cold hard loss. Do not fool yourself into thinking the fleeting pursuit of thinness will result in anything less. It didn’t for those I have lost. And for those in the midst of the battle, I see the same death I saw in my eyes at my worst.

So, just for today- I will forgive myself. Shove my inner critic in the corner, stifle the thoughts that scream I am not worth it, not good enough, or will never amount to anything. I will listen to that one voice that whispers quietly…yet audibly. The voice of health, life, recovery. It is not easy, but it was never promised to us that it would be. “But by the grace of God, there go I.” And as I head back to school in slightly over a week, (Good lord in heaven…:/) I pray that I am overcome by His passion, energy, zeal- to finish this last year of school strong. To take care of myself. To be patient. Positive. Prayer filled. Because on my own strength, I will fail. It takes a village. Because I am one giant mess. But I am His mess. And luckily for me, I find things better within the clutter anyways;)

I know I cannot do this alone. So. I am asking for check ins- texts, phone calls, even letters would be fantastic! However, prayers…prayers are a must. I need them like I need oxygen…and yes. Food.

Thank youJ

Winter Grace

Mealplan

A very dear friend of mine and I were texting to one another the other day...she asked if I would care for a blog post written by her. As a fellow ED survivor and addict, I was more than thrilled to hear her thoughts. What I received was astoundingly painful to read for me. Not only because she is my gumba, my good friend, my strong shoulder. But also because it infuriates me the power of this disease. And how some think it is nothing but a striving to 'look good.' Just last summer, I had an acquaintance email me asking me how I started my "disease."
She just wanted to lose some weight...drop a couple of pounds...shed some winter weight. My friends...this amounts to nothing in comparison with an eating disorder. Whatever spectrum you are on throughout the ED scale, it will only end one way. Death.
This post is dedicated to the further education and awareness of what ED really is like. Cheers~

“Dude, if you make a meal plan, the one you follow, I promise to stick to it to a tee so that I can have a body that is remotely close to as perfect as yours” This was the 2nd text message I got this week along those lines. Me? Make a meal plan? Well, I am a pretty decent nutritionist and extraordinarily knowledgeable about the science behind food. Therefore, I am more than capable of making a successful meal plan. However, my friends asked me for MY meal plan. The truth is, yesterday I ate 2 bites of a pb and j so I didn't pass out again this week. the day before that I had a side kale salad from a vegan bar. Today is Sunday. Those were the two solid "meals" that I’ve had in the past 7 days. The truth is, I’m more than happy that my friends don't “understand” how I "do it". The truth is, "how I do it" is by depriving my body of the vital nutrients that it needs to survive. The truth is, I have the heart of an 80 year old. I have virtually no stomach lining. I have ulcerative colitis and well as chronic bleeding ulcers. I used to have Mallory Weiss tears that have scarred my esophagus, a growth on my vocal chords and have permanently affected my voice. I have Osteopenia, which is the stage before Osteoporosis. I get pneumonia or bronchitis every year because I have no immune system and horrible kidneys. The truth is my medical problems and health is much more than I listed above. The truth is that the average 23 year old does doesn't face a fraction of what I listed above. The truth is while I was texting my friend last night about how I was loving life, the sunshine, teaching yoga and my blossoming art company, I was simultaneously carving the word tainted into my inner thigh with a razor. Sober. The truth is, that merely knowing why I do what I do doesn’t change my powerful disconnect between my head and my heart. The truth is, if you knew the truth, and you still believe that my body is perfect, than you want to walk around with an invisible noose around your neck like I have been for 15 years. There is nothing glamorous about anorexia, bulimia or any eating disorder. Friends, do you still want my meal plan?"

A fantasy world...

Jeremy asked me the other night what I fantasize about. And not in the “whips and chains” context either! But truly the…what do you think about…dream about…aspire for aspect. It caught me off guard…and left me tongue tied. I honestly didn’t even know how to answer the question. When I was young I dreamt about turning 13… 18…and finally 21…years old. Now that those dates have come and gone, I don’t even remember what I was so excited about! I dreamt about marriage and the man I would marry…the children I would once have. After watching my parent’s divorce after 25 years of marriage, my heart is now unsure of that dream, overcome by the fear  and doubt that someone could ever love me forever after. I dreamt of once being a singer, a dancer, an actress, the first white Oprah. And of course, as I grew and matured, realized that would not be happening any time soon. And as I near the beginning of my Senior year of college and contemplate what is next for me (Basically as the big, bad GRE looms ahead) I question if I can get a good score on this thing, get into grad school (let alone pay for it) and what I will do after, where I will live, how I will make something of myself. All of this just makes me anxious. I know the Lord has it all in His plans…that worrying about it will do nothing, but it sure is easy to fall into complacency when faced with studying for the GRE, working on grad school assignments, and getting pumped for school in the fall. When I truly think about it and am honest with myself, my fantasies since I was 12 years old…and still to this day, swarm around my ED. All the time. What to eat, the gym, getting smaller, fitting into smaller sizes, shrinking away into oblivion to where I am in control of my body and contentedly numb. All the anxiety. The sadness. And depression. It all just melts together into one outlet: my eating disorder. Starvation. Endless exercising. Self-harm. Now, that I have a full time job, a loving relationship, and career that I am trying to get into…the time for acting out in my compulsions has been cut down drastically. I know this is a good thing. In fact, today marks exactly a year that I have been home for a year. A year in Recovery. I never thought I would say that, let alone live to see it. But praise the Lord, this last winter, I didn’t make my annual pilgrimage down to Arizona like I had for the last 3 years to visit treatment. I am surviving. But I still feel like I am barely holding on emotionally. I feel trapped inside a body that isn’t mine. Caught inside a body with a mouth that cannot express how alone I feel because no one understands the sick thoughts I have. And if I even tried to verbally pronounce them, I would sound crazy. I feel betrayed by hunger and the inevitable need and desire to eat. And not just lettuce and carrot sticks…but real, life giving food. I feel weak. I feel tired. Because all I fantasize about when I am brutally honest with myself is that sick body. How it felt, looked, how comfortable, safe, and secure it was to reside within a shell of skin and bone.

Jeremy also pointed out that I have seemed cranky lately, not my bubbly silly old self. I have tried to hide that lovely reaity. But I feel as though I am melting inside with how uncomfortable I am with myself and my future and it is beginning to seep out of my soul through my pores, out of my skin, and into reality for everyone to see. Especially those who are close to me and spend a decent amount of time with me. So Jeremy. And the last thing I want to do is affect him and allow him to see that side of me. The not so joyful and depressed side of me. The Winter who is really fucking tired of having a thousand voices yelling at me…the self destructive side telling me I don’t need to eat after work and before the gym….or ever for that matter. The side that says I should because otherwise I will just be light headed and starving afterwards. The sad Winter who hates what she sees in the mirror. The girl who can’t wear the clothes she wants to because of how the fit, how they feel against my new skin. The woman who is literally petrified in her own body, desperate to control it along with the future. The angry Winter who justifies the hurt she feels through others by taking it out on herself. I hate that I have to put on a happy face and yappy smile to keep the customers happy and make good tips to save up money that I don’t even know where it will be materializing from or if it will be even close to enough to keeping me alive through the winter. And then when I come home, I am spent and exhausted and can’t keep that smile on my face for my boyfriend continuously. So he sees the raw side of me I try to hide and hate. I hate that I sit here rambling on and on…yet it feels so good to get this shit out and let the poisonous worry seep out to where I am heard. Instead of sitting in silence. The black turmoil ruminating around in my brain like a freaking tornado. The dream I keep having, of a tornado swirling around me and shattering everything. It keeps happening in my dreams now. I am haunted by my conscious mind even in my unconscious state. So that even when I can shut my brain off and miraculously fall alseep, I am still tormented by the depression, the worry, the ED thoughts and desires. I feel exhausted. I thought it would be easier a year out in Recovery. Maybe it will become easier. But it sure feels hard right now. And I know that it is me that makes it hard. I know that people believe or think I can just ‘let it go’ (cue overused Frozen music) Oh, how I wish it were that simple. How I wish I had an on/off switch to do just that. I have lived for ten years in this turmoil. And I know that it will take time for a new normal to feel natural. But why can’t it happen NOW? In like 21 days, just like any other habit! Because this is a disease. And it is one that kills. I have lost four alumni of Rosewood Ranch this last year to this f-ed up disease. And those won’t be the last. And as peaceful as death sounds on a lot of days…I can’t let that become an option. No matter how loud or dark or lonely it gets. There is always tomorrow. God, give me the strength…to wait till tomorrow.

It comes down to wants and needs. And lately, trying to save as much money as I can, has truly pointed out to me where my wants and needs truly lie. I want to have MY set routine, where work and school don’t get in the way of my running, my starving, my calculating, and perfecting of MY beloved anorexia. But what I NEED is to move the F forward, to not become a statistic, and to keep challenging the thoughts in my head. One day at a time. What I need to do is to cry, to scream, to dance it out (preferably to some cray cray Lady Gaga music) and not to use food, exercise, alcohol, or any other substance to numb out the feelings I have. I need to nourish myself when I want to go back to the pre-pubescent looking child I once was, caught in the day to day life of a prisoner, a slave. I am a survivor. And for this I am thankful. I am thankful for the blessings my Savior has given me, for the life I have now, for my boyfriend who I met a year ago now, and for the ability to type what I need to so desperately get out of my heart. And for you friends out there who must have prayed for me continuously. I would be dead without the Lord hearing your Holy interventions on behalf of my withered soul. For I am what I am. It is what it is. And I cannot control a thing. Just like I can’t control the weather, the customers who walk through our door, my family’s feelings, or what will happen tomorrow. I can ‘create my own routine’ as my boyfriend so perfectly put it. And it all begins with being grateful. For what if we were to wake up tomorrow with only the things we were thankful for today? I wouldn’t have a whole lot, now would I? And that my friends, is a future I don’t want to fantasize about…

 

Musings of a 22 year old insomniac...

OK so….I'm super tired and super sick…aaaaand I can’t sleep for the life of me…Awesome…So I instead…will write~

I have been thinking a lot about my friend who called me the other night searching for support. She also struggles with an eating disorder and told me how the other day at work, some woman came up to her and said one word, “Congrats!”

Confused, my friend looked at her and replied, “Ummmmm….for what?!” The woman then stated, “You are pregnant, right?! CONGRATS!”

My friend is NOT pregnant. Nor is she even close to looking like she would be even CAPABLE of carrying a child. She was devastated. And I was furious. My heart broke and my mouth gaped open when she told me this story. I have been there. In fact, my mom and I were talking eons ago about defining moments in our lives that really triggered the spirals of our eating disorders…comments that not only left lasting impacts in our memories and heart, but our bodies as well, as we both struggle with anorexia.

“You have a big butt!” Was a comment I heard from a boy I grew up with and had an epic childhood crush on!

“You are fat!” were the rebuttals my two brothers would scream back at me during our sister/brother fights.

“If you lost x amount of pounds, you would be a ten,” was the suggestion my mother was given in high school by her crush.

While eating disorders are a conglomeration of much more than just comments like these, beware that words really do affect people and the view they have of themselves. But it was just extra toppings added to the perfect storm…

As I listened to my friend and struggled to find the answers for her…the right advice…the perfect thing to say…I realized I didn’t even know how to respond. Because I feel like anything I could say would be dripping with hypocrisy. I didn’t know how to handle it. How is she supposed to? Besides keeping in mind that she is among good company: Beyonce and Kim Kardashian are always gracing the tabloids rumoring to be 'preggers' with their baby bumps, which in all reality is just gas!!!! Or a weird fitting shirt!!! Or….maybe...just perhaps a friggin' food baby! So why does what other people say affect us so much? Or do we just allow it to?

This has been something I have been mulling on lately…an issue I feel God has been placing concretely on my heart and showing me is an area that needs some work in my life~ People pleasing, care-taking, the desperate search for outside approval, and how much my self-worth is based on what others think of me.  

Yesterday morning I went to church and was told by my small group leader that that specific Sunday morning it was our small group’s turn to step out during the sermon and pray specifically for the message that was being given. Immediately, I didn’t want to. I wanted to be selfish and listen to the sermon! But I didn’t want to upset my leader so I decided to go and pray with her…we prayed for the worship team, the pastor, the church, and the newcomers walking through the door. And we prayed for us as Christians to be open and welcoming, with our hearts to be in the right place and for our spirits to be focused on bringing glory to God…and not ourselves. Bringing glory to the Father…and not myself. I was struck by this. How often do I participate in things for the mere purpose of wanting to please others or make myself look like a ‘good’ person? Which led me to a slew of self-probing questions~ Many of which led me to feeling like a horrible person…the insides of my heart feeling like it was just grated by sandpaper…left pink, raw, and gaping.

Why do I put makeup on when I go out? Why do people post pictures of themselves in bikinis, after workouts, during diets, after haircuts? What is the purpose of selfies? Besides the HILARIOUS duck lip pose of course..;) But really…If I were the last person on earth…would I still run? Why do I force myself to wake up before class every morning- rain, snow, sleet, sickness, or pain- to run? Yes, there is definitely a joy I experience- the endorphins, the reduction of anxiety and release of stress, the time alone-away- with God. But is it also to not burn calories? To EARN my intake of food for the day? To make sure I present myself as healthy and fit? To prove myself competent?

A co-worker of mine made a comment to me the other day~ “You are so hard core! My daughter and I always see you, the same time, every morning either biking to school, the gym, or running! No matter the weather...even Saturday when it was 17 degrees!” I just laughed…and immediately felt relieved…

"Well at least I am good at something!" I thought. That right there...Pride. But for what? Running around in circles? I once saw a post on Facebook that made me laugh…and think at the same time: I forgot to post I was going to the gym on Facebook…My workout is ruined!

How often I see posts of people stating how many reps they can do, how many miles they run, how much weight they have lost and what a killer workout they just had. And my stomach turns. Why? Because I get irritated! WHY?! BECAUSE IM JEALOUS! If I see anyone running on the side of the rode, I am immediately angry at myself because…well, if they are running I should be too! No excuses! BUT WHY?! I always say I am such a perfectionist…I HAVE to do this…I MUST do that~ Good grades, perfect scores, clean house and room, new clothes, spotless appearance. For what? My glory? Others praise? Or HIS? Does HE care? Does my Savior care when I have my hair perfectly straightened, teeth whitened, clothes pressed and lookin’ fly but yet don’t want to bend down and pick up that crying child because they might get snot on my new shirt! Don’t want to get dirty helping another person up or muss up the hair do by walking in the rain to a friend in need! God forbid I be late to somewhere because I am stopping to say hi to someone who needs a friend! How selfish I have become…how self-seeking. Why can’t I be OK with myself regardless of whether I am in PJ’s or in a dress… Why can’t a woman look at herself in the mirror and exclaim, “Damn! I am WORKING it today!” instead of having to rely on someone to comment on how pretty she looks. Can she not recognize the beauty within herself as a human being, a creation of God without someone telling her so? And if someone does tell her so, will she truly even believe it or take it to heart? Why can a man not buy tickets to his own gun show? Does he have to prove himself manly or can it instead be a trait inherently possessed by him no matter if he shows his true emotions or not? Can we judge a man on his integrity and the size of his heart and measure of love for his brothers and Christ instead of how much he can lift or how ‘swoll’ he is? Who gives a crap what size her chest is…what brand his jeans are…how much money is in your bank account or what you cumulative GPA is. But…in the end…like Linkin Park says…“It doesn’t even matter.” J

Reading through Luke chapter 13 with my awesome accountability partner #loveher, I came across two significant stories tonight…as I lie awake! J

Verse 24 says: “Strive to enter through the narrow gate, for many will seek to enter and will not be able. When once the Master of the house has risen up and shut the door, and you begin to stand outside and knock at the door saying, ‘Lord, Lord open for us’!” But He will answer and say to you, “I do not know you…where you are from?” And you will begin to say, “We ate and drank in your presence!” But He will say, I tell you I do not know you, depart from me all you workers of iniquity. FOR INDEED: those who are last will be first and those that are first will be last.”

WOW…so are you tellin’ me…even if I work my butt of to be first in my graduating class, first woman to do this…earn this amount of money…run this many miles…it will result to nothing in the end?!!!

In verse 10, Jesus the Lord beholds a woman who has been bound by Satan for 18 years, suffering from a spinal problem. And though the woman does not ask for healing, Jesus restores her, having compassion for her, regardless of it being on the Sabbath! I have struggled the entirety of my life with sin…with caring about what people will say...what they will think…how they judge me. But just like this…the Lord lays His hands on her saying, “Woman, you are loosed from your infirmity,” and immediately she is made straight and glorifies God! I want to be like that woman…who has been crooked in her strivings for so many years…22 to be exact, but in an instant is forgiven by God. I want to forget about what others think…and pretend that it is just me and Jesus. Cause in the end…that is all that it will boil down to!

Selah and sweet dreams…maybe?…finally?...hopefully~J

Terminally Unique

So I am going to be super blunt, brutally honest, and quite frank. It is time to bite this denial in the butt. Because my jeans no longer make it up past my butt. My head is super friggin loud. I don’t know what is going on. My appetite is insatiable. I have night sweats all the time. And I have gained a significant amount of weight since last summer. When I was at a healthy weight. Period. Yes, even though I felt uncomfortable at that weight as well, I cannot describe how disgusting I feel lately. ED wants to worm his way into my soul…

I feel like the binging is out of control. It is not fun. And I am tired of it. I talked to my doctor and consulted people IN recovery who I trust and they said it might definitely be due to my medication I take for anxiety, OCD, and depression.

The truth is, it is time for me to be honest. Because in this society, eating a friggin cupcake is looked at as being horrendous for women to do. Because “it will go straight to your hips…” Well I feel like I have been on auto-pilot and just want this empty whole in my stomach to go away…but it doesn’t no matter what I put in, no matter how many cupcakes I freaking eat. And then boom! All of a sudden I feel so full I just want to crawl in a hole and hibernate or die... I vow to not let it happen again…and then it does…the very next day. This stupid cycle is getting so old…and I want off this shit show band wagon.

I have so many feelings towards myself: Angry, sad, disappointed, disgusted, confused, tormented…In church we were learning about the “STAKES” we have that we feel tied to. My body, food, how much I eat…don’t eat…exercise, it is ALWAYS there. Having an eating disorder, that probably makes sense. I know it is much more than that…but for right now I am completely and utterly…lost? Disappointed…disgusted…

~So UPDATE~ I wrote this literally three days ago. Today…I am feeling better. I think for me…talking about this…exposing the thoughts and feelings is crucial. For so long now I have been hiding the way I have been feeling because my Eating Disorder didn’t want me to.

“You are an anorexic! How dare you binge…you cannot let anyone know…otherwise you will look weak and disgusting.”

Yep, thanks ED. That got me nowhere but shoveling chocolate covered anything down my throat in secrecy…then wishing I could purge it. Thank God I didn’t go down that rabbit hole. But I know it could lead to there. And I just had a very good friend of mine have to have a feeding tube inserted because they ripped their esophagus. This shit kills. And my pride will kill me. It will keep me trapped in the mindset that I am undeserving of help…of saying what I am TRULY struggling with…of opening my mouth and saying I CANT any longer. The truth is, my ED wants me to shut my mouth and only open it to allow poisonous lies in. Well I am tired of it. And I don’t want to listen to his voice in my head any longer. Because it is painful and defeating and ultimately withholds me from my main goal and purpose in life: Bringing joy to others~ Loving on them as we are told to do so in Luke chapter 10, which I am reading through with a wonderful friend of mine. What good is it if I partake of the Scriptures and stop there? The Lord wants me to apply it to my life. To live out the commandments in His Word. My sinful nature wants to pretend I am fine…that I can love other people and never ask for anything in return. But that will kill me. It is time to accept that I cannot attain my expectations of perfect and allow the only One who is perfect to wash over me with His grace and mercy. No longer do I need to sit in shame and silence. It is time to get back to the core basics. And thank God for friends who have been there and are helping me through it. Amazing how your life is not so ‘unique’ when you actually open up and allow yourself to be vulnerable! SO! Here I am baring it all. I have the pleasure of being in a best friend’s wedding this May. I am already dreading having to go pick up the dress and try it on…because I know what my head will tell me. But how selfish is that? I am pretty sure this day is for her! And I guarantee that over three-fourths of the women in America dislike trying on clothes as well. So I will suck it up. I will bring support. I will venture forth. Because the joy of life is too great now to dim it with this damn ED. My hair is growing, my nails are strong, my body can do anything on a daily basis that I require of it. God has given me a new chance at life…and I will be damned if I let any little thing like a medication and some number on a scale determine what trajectory my life goes towards.

“It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” Ursula K. LeGuin

A Lady's Pledge

 

Today, I formally pledge to be more of a lady. From here on out, I solemnly swear to:
Take up more space. I will eat up all your space, and show up in places you don’t want me to be. I will be everywhere. I will take almost all the space up in the room. I will stand with my legs far apart. I will stand with my shoulders high. I will be as much of a physical presence as I will be a vocal one. You will hear me from streets down and miles away. I will run circles around you. I will be everywhere you didn’t see me before. I will climb higher and farther in shoes you couldn’t walk in.
I solemnly swear to tell you no. No. No. No.
I swear to look exactly as I want to. I swear to wear red lipstick and drink out of a straw. The next day I will have knots in my hair, thick and tangled. The next day, I will stop shaving my legs. Then, I will shave them again. My hair is my crown and I will cut it all off and I will let it grow long and soft. I will chew you up with my mouth open. I will blow smoke rings and make smoke signals to all the places I dream to go. I will put my napkin on my lap and scribble ideas on the napkin. I will move far away. I will be so high you cannot see me. I will break the glass ceiling on the other side of the glass ceiling, way up in the sky. I will speak assertively. I will say “Excuse me” and I will walk past you. I will carry a sledgehammer with smooth hands. I will eat things that make my belly soft. I will run farther and harder than you. I will invade all the words you own—I will settle softly into sportsmanship and handshake and money and power and dollars. I will pay my own bills. I will dress the way I like. I will decorate myself the way I like, in skirts and pants and smart trousers. I swear to cross my legs when I want to.
I will treat my body like my own temple. I will let people in. I will listen and be compassionate and not so modest. I will take my sexuality with freedom and responsibility. I will not be ashamed by how others interpret shame. I will not be ashamed of myself. I will cover my mouth when I cough. I will drink in great big swigs. I will drink life the same way.
I swear to be known. I swear to be aggressive and calm, a mighty body of water or a contained fire. I swear to make you nervous. I swear to make my own decisions and own my decisions. I will brush my teeth twice a day and be seen, not heard (during movies, only). I will let you buy me dinner and hold the door but I will hold the door open for you, buy dinner, make jokes, speak without being spoken to, be wild and powerful and impossible to ignore. I will sneak up slowly behind you and then I will be gone, quite a ways ahead. I will hold my head high and look people in the eye and say ‘fuck’ when I stub my toe and be the woman my grandmother dreamed women could become. I will be a force, the wind that throws open the door. I will also walk through that door.
I swear you will hear me and listen. I will be hte woman you were always afraid of.
I will take up space. I swear.

(The Frenemy)

NEDA Awareness Week

NEDA (National Eating Disorder Association) Awareness week begins on my birthday, February 23 and runs until March 1^st.  This year, I celebrate not only turning 22 years old, but also celebrating a life free from ED. I still struggle. I still want a zipper attached to my body to crawl out of skin. I still can’t look in the mirror without grimacing. So how does one continue in recovery despite this? For me, I had a choice to make. While my ED is not a choice, I have the tools, thanks to Rosewood Eating Disorder Center in Wickenburg, AZ, to make different decisions today. Today, I choose my family. I choose my friends. I choose my boyfriend. I choose the kids at my work, my internship, my school, and someday my career. I choose my health. I CHOOSE LIFE. I choose to wake up every day and meet life head on without the use of my eating disorder to numb all joy from my soul. I choose to feel the sun and the rain. The good and the bad. The pain and the sorrow as well the laughter and hope.

I went on my first run back today after being off my foot for almost three weeks. I cried…I forget how many things I take for granted. The ability to run without pain, to have health, enough strength to move my legs across the trails…the pavement…the concrete. Pounding heart. Inhale. Exhale.

Some were not so lucky. In fact, I have lost five friends this year to their battle with an ED. It breaks my heart that their lives were cut short due to this terrible disease. So this week…I will remember their lives and the words of wisdom they spoke into my life. Their immense strength. And I will draw forth that same strength and continue to fight.

Over 24 million people in the United States suffer from an eating disorder (anad.org). Eating disorders, specifically Anorexia, are the number one… the NUMBER ONE killer of all mental disorders. NUMBER ONE!!!

The purpose of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week is to ultimately prevent eating disorders and body image issues while reducing the stigma surrounding eating disorders and improving access to treatment. Eating disorders are serious, life-threatening illnesses – not choices – and it’s important to recognize the pressures, attitudes and behaviors that shape the disorder. We have come far in the last two decades but eating disorders research continues to be under-funded, insurance coverage for treatment is inadequate, and societal pressures to be thin or look a certain way remain rampant. Some doctors fail to recognize the signs or offer the help that many people suffering from an eating disorder need. Education is vital. 

While eating disorders are often thought of as something that affect only women, the reality is anyone can fall victim to one. In fact, male eating disorders account for almost 10 percent of all cases. Perhaps even more depressing is that a 2012 study found that eating disorders in children are increasing. Little girls are beginning to diet, to restrict their food intake by age 6.

The signs of an eating disorder can vary from person to person. Common symptoms include an intense fear of being fat, weight loss, avoiding situations in which expected to eat food, using the bathroom directly after a meal, excessive exercise, having conversations that are highly centered on food or calories or weight, "having to" prepare separate meals, and fear of not knowing what ingredients are included in foods (such as at a restaurant).

However, one must remember that eating disorders are really less about food and more about the many underlying issues such as a feeling of a loss of control over life and very low self-esteem. It is hard to remember in today’s society that we all come in different shapes and sizes…and that not one is better than the other.

If you suspect a loved one may have an eating disorder, I recommend you find a neutral setting and time to meet, and then expressing your concerns gently. Think of eating disorders as you would any other serious illness. It is important to remember that they're no body's fault. People don't develop them on purpose. I know I didn’t wake up one day and think…hmm think I’m just gonna NEVER eat again…

When speaking with your friend, use non-judgmental language and 'I' statements. It is OK point out behaviors and emotions you have noticed, but avoid blaming or shaming the person. Be prepared to listen and don’t try to problem solve. Offer to help your friend find a professional to talk to. And for goodness sakes, don’t tell them to just go eat a hamburger…:/ LOVE and support are vital.

Below is a list of the affects an ED can produce:

Psychosocial:

Eating disorders profoundly impact an individuals quality of life. Self-image, relationships, physical well-being and day to day living are often adversely affected. Eating disorders are also often associated with mood disorders, anxiety disorders, and personality disorders. Bulimia nervosa may be particularly associated with substance abuse problems. Anorexia nervosa is often associated with obsessive-compulsive symptoms.  The scope of related problems associated with eating disorders highlights the need for prompt treatment and intervention.

 

Medical:

The process of starvation associated with Anorexia Nervosa can affect most organ systems. Physical signs and symptoms include but are not limited to constipation, abnormally low heart rate, abdominal distress, dryness of skin, hypotension, fine body hair, lack of menstrual periods. Anorexia Nervosa causes anemia, cardiovascular problems, changes in brain structure, osteoporosis, and kidney dysfunction.

Self-induced vomiting can lead to swelling of salivary glands, electrolyte and mineral disturbances, and enamel erosion in teeth. Laxative abuse can lead to long lasting disruptions of normal bowel functioning. Complications such as tearing the esophagus, rupturing the stomach, and developing life-threatening irregularities of the heart rhythm may also result.

 

Medical Issues: General

Physical Dangers:

Sometimes those suffering with Anorexia and Bulimia do not appear underweight - some may be of "average" weight, some may be slightly overweight, variations can be anywhere from extremely underweight to extremely overweight. The outward appearance of a person suffering with an eating disorder does not dictate the amount of physical danger they are in, nor does is determine the severity of emotional conflict they are enduring. 

Some Symptoms:

Amenorrhea - loss of menstrual cycle. 

Barrett's Esophagus - associated with Cancer of the esophagus and caused by Esophageal Reflux, this is a change in the cells within the esophagus.

Blood Sugar Level Disruptions-

Low Blood Sugar- can indicate problems with the liver or kidneys and can lead to neurological and mental deterioration.

Elevated Blood Sugar- can lead to diabetes, liver and kidney shut down, circulatory and immune system problems.

Callused fingers - caused by repeated using the fingers to induce vomiting.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome -crippling fatigue related to a weakened immune system.

Cramps, bloating, constipation, diarrhea, incontinence - increased or decreased bowel activity.

Death- caused by any of the following or any combination of the following: heart attack or heart failure; lung collapse; internal bleeding, stroke, kidney failure, liver failure; pancreatitis, gastric rupture, perforated ulcer, depression and suicide.

Dehydration - caused by lack of intake of fluids in the body.

Dental Problems- decalcification of teeth, erosion of tooth enamel, and severe decay.

Gum Disease -caused by stomach acids and enzymes from vomiting; lack of vitamin D and calcium, and hormonal imbalance. 

Depression - mood swings and depression caused by physiological factors such as electrolyte imbalances, hormone and vitamin deficiencies, malnutrition and dehydration. Living with the Eating Disorder behaviors can cause depression. Depression can also lead the victim back into the cycle of the Eating Disorder (or may have initially been the problem before the onset of the ED). Stress within family, job and relationships can all be causes. There are also a percentage of people born with a pre-disposition to depression, based on family history.

Diabetes - high blood sugar as a result of low production of insulin. This can be caused by hormonal imbalances, hyperglycemia or chronic pancreatitis.

Digestive Difficulties - a deficiency in digestive enzymes will lead to the body's inability to properly digest food and absorb nutrients. This can lead to mal-absorption problems, malnutrition and electrolyte imbalances.

Dry Skin and Hair, Brittle Hair and Nails, Hair Loss - caused by Vitamin and Mineral deficiencies, malnutrition and dehydration

Edema - swelling of the soft tissues as a result of excess water accumulation. Most common in the legs and feet of Compulsive Overeaters and in the abdominal area of Anorexics and/or Bulimics (can be caused by Laxative and Diuretic use).

Electrolyte Imbalances - electrolytes are essential to the production of the body's "natural electricity" that ensures healthy teeth, joints and bones, nerve and muscle impulses, kidneys and heart, blood sugar levels and the delivery of oxygen to the cells. Bad Circulation, Slowed or Irregular Heartbeat, Arrhythmias, Angina, Heart Attack - There are many factors associated with having an Eating Disorder that can lead to heart problems or a heart attack. Sudden cardiac arrest can cause permanent damage to the heart, or instant death. Electrolyte imbalances (especially potassium deficiency), dehydration, malnutrition, low blood pressure, extreme orthostatic hypotension, abnormally slow heart rate, electrolyte imbalances, and hormonal imbalances call all cause serious problems with the heart.

Esophageal Reflux - Acid Reflux Disorders - partially digested items in the stomach, mixed with acid and enzymes, regurgitates back into the esophagus. This can lead to damage to the esophagus, larynx and lungs and increases the chances of developing cancer of the esophagus and voice box.

Gastric Rupture - spontaneous stomach erosion, perforation or rupture.

High Blood Pressure, Hypertension - elevated blood pressure exceeding 140 over 90. Can cause: blood vessel changes in the back of the eye creating vision impairment; abnormal thickening of the heart muscle; kidney failure; and brain damage.

Hyperactivity - manic behavior; not being able to sit still.

Impaired Neuromuscular Function - due to vitamin and mineral deficiencies and malnutrition.

Infertility - the inability to have children; caused by loss of menstrual cycle, and hormonal imbalances. Malnutrition and vitamin deficiencies can also make it impossible to succeed with a full-term pregnancy, and can increase the chances significantly of a baby born with birth defects.

Insomnia - having problems falling and/or staying asleep.

Iron Deficiency, Anemia - this makes the oxygen transporting units within the blood useless and can lead to fatigue, shortness of breath, increased infections, and heart palpitations.

Kidney Infection and Failure - kidneys cleanse the poisons from your body, regulate acid concentration and maintain water balance. Vitamin Deficiencies, dehydration, infection and low blood pressure increase the risks of and associated with kidney infection thus making permanent kidney damage and kidney failure more likely.

Lanugo - (soft downy hair on face, back and arms). This is caused due to a protective mechanism built-in to the body to help keep a person warm during periods of starvation and malnutrition, and the hormonal imbalances that result.

Liver Failure - the liver aids in removing waste from cells, and aids in digestion. Fasting and taking acetaminophen (drug found in over-the-counter painkillers) increases your risks for Liver damage and failure. Loss of menstruation and dehydration (putting women at risk for too much iron in their system), and chronic heart failure can lead to liver damage or failure.

Low Blood Pressure, Hypotension - caused by lowered body temperature, malnutrition and dehydration. Can cause heart arrhythmias, shock or myocardial infarction.

Lowered body temperature - caused by loss of healthy insulating layer of fat and lowered blood pressure.

Malnutrition - caused by undereating or overeating. Malnutrition indicates deficiency for energy, protein and micronutrients (e.g. vitamin A, iodine and iron) either singularly or in combination. It can cause severe health risks including (but not limited to) respiratory infections, kidney failure, blindness, heart attack and death.

Mallory-Weiss tear - associated with vomiting, a tear of the gastroesophageal junction.

Muscle Atrophy - wasting away of muscle and decrease in muscle mass due to the body feeding off of itself.

Orthostatic Hypotension - sudden drop in blood pressure upon sitting up or standing. Symptoms include dizziness, blurred vision, passing out, heart pounding and headaches.

Osteoporosis - thinning of the bones with reduction in bone mass due to depletion of calcium and bone protein, predisposing to fractures.

Osteopenia - below normal bone mass indicating a calcium and/or vitamin D deficiency and leading to Osteoporosis. Hormone imbalance/deficiencies associated with the loss of the menstrual cycle can also increase your risks of Osteoporosis and Osteopenia.

Pancreatitis - when the digestive enzymes attack the pancreas; caused by repeated stomach trauma, alcohol consumption or the excessive use of laxatives or diet pills.

Peptic Ulcers - caused by increased stomach acids, cigarette smoking, high consumption of caffeine or alcohol.

Pregnancy problems - including potential for high-risk pregnancies, miscarriage, still born babies and death or chronic illnesses from minor to severe, in children born (all due to malnutrition, dehydration, vitamin and hormone deficiencies).

Swelling - in face and cheeks (following self-induced vomiting)

Seizures - increased risk of seizures in Anorexic and Bulimic individuals may be caused by dehydration. It is also possible that lesions on the brain caused by long-term malnutrition and lack of oxygen-carrying cells to the brain may play a role.

Tearing of Esophagus - caused by self-induced vomiting

TMJ "Syndrome" - degenerative arthritis within the tempero-mandibular joint in the jaw (where the lower jaw hinges to the skull) creating pain in the joint area, headaches, and problems chewing and opening/closing the mouth. Vitamin deficiencies and teeth grinding (often related to stress) can both be causes.

Weakness and Fatigue - caused generalized poor eating habits, electrolyte imbalances, vitamin and mineral deficiencies, depression, malnutrition, heart problems.

Sources:

American Psychiatric Association  (1998), Eating Disorders.

Dept. of Health and Human Services (1987, 1995). Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia.

Also adapted from EDAP, Eating Disorder Awareness and Prevention, 1998, www,edap.org

nationaleatingdisorders.org


My hope…my desire…my purpose now in life…why I believe God has lead me down this path, is to help educate people. To use my story…my struggle…to stop the suffering of others. Please. If you know someone who is struggling…or you yourself are victim of an Eating Disorder, feel free to contact me. Any day, any time. You are not alone. You are not a failure. You are loved. There is freedom and there is hope. I know this because I was RIGHT there. And now I am HERE. Use me J

Much love,

Winter Grace