So much has happened in the last few months of this semester. I
went from planning my life with someone, looking forward to not only the future,
but OUR future. Knowing every day I would be in the arms of the one I loved…to
having my heart shattered in a way I never thought possible. I didn’t know it
was possible to feel like that…Like every breathe I took in filled my lungs
with charring coals. My one true love…the love of writing, I couldn’t even
make words express the sheer raw emotion I was feeling. I still don’t know if I
can. Every time I saw the same model of car you drove, I became physically ill.
The pictures on my phone of us that popped up at the worst times, even when I
thought I had deleted them all. The little boy that looks identical to you when
you were small…the one I work with…EVERY day…the very one I had to lay beside,
rub his back till he fell asleep…the same way I did for you. No more arms to
hold me at night, no voice in the morning saying good morning. No more.
I thought I had lost myself. I didn’t want to live anymore
if everything in my life reminded me of what once and never would be any
longer. I tried. I tried to starve it away…run it away…drink it away. But my
damn mind, it kept following me. Because the problem was ME. Not you. Sure YOU
left…but I was still left with all the voices in my head making up all these
reasons as to why you did.
“I’m not enough of this…too much of that…” Until I realized
I would end up killing myself coming up with all these reasons to fill in the
unknowns, the vast crevice of God knows what. Obviously I am far from perfect.
A relationship is a two way deal. I own what I own. And for that I am sorry. I
did the best with what I knew. I don’t know how to let someone love something I
hate…myself. Well, it is time I find out.
I don’t know where the turning point was…I don’t think there
was one. Cause as people kept telling me…It just took time. I am one impatient
woman…so it was tortuous. But with every day that rose, I made a choice, to
believe that things happen for a reason. That no matter how hurt I was, I had
to move forward. So now I thank you. I thank you for the time we had together.
I don’t regret a thing I did. I don’t believe in living with regrets. I
acquired the strength I needed to overcome the memory of you, the distant
memory you have become. I felt the rain on my face and the sun on my skin all
at once, like an endless wave of emotion rushing over me. I know now I am
stronger than I realize because of this. So thank you.
And thank you to all those who literally pulled me through.
This semester has been horrible to say the least. Yet there have been some
amazing moments throughout.
For the first time in my life, as I traveled back to
Rosewood in Arizona to share my experience and hope in Recovery, I was exactly
where I needed to be. Being able to be there for someone else who is walking
through the same journey of anorexia and hold them as they fought was a gift I was
given and completely irreplaceable. This is my purpose, why I am alive.
I struggle every day. But having those memories of those
patients faces, of the alumni, the staff surrounding me as I shared my story,
reminded me of what I have been through. Hell. And how God pulled me through
that because through Him all things are possible. He most certainly will help
me get through this semester. Through school. Through endless heartbreak.
Tormenting nightmares. Moments I feel I can’t go on. The epic fear of the
future, the fear of being rejected and utter failure.
Until I remember. There is no such thing as failure. Only
learning experiences. No matter where you are at in life, it can be used for
good. You are never too far off the beaten path to find your way back onto the
trail leading you on your journey. Never end points, just maybe a detour here
or there.
I sure don’t know
what on earth is planned for my life. I think God is hilarious…because He knew
the biggest challenge for me is letting go of control…and daily He puts that
control in a blender, annihilates it, hands it back to with a smirk on His face,
Grace cloaking His voice, and love in His eyes and He asks me for the
thousandth time:
“Are you done now? Will you trust me?”
My earthly father
looked at me just this past weekend and said words I never thought I would hear
from his mouth, “I am so proud of you, of the woman you have become. I know God
has an amazing plan for you.”
I don’t know what that plan is…but day by day I get up and
with His strength only, onward I go.
Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is confidence in
what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
Romans 8:38: But in all these things
we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am
convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor
things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth,
nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God,
which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
