If you're goin through hell...

I want to scream. I want to cut. I want to eject it all from my body and erase everything from my hips, my stomach, my thighs…I hate it…I hate the pictures…my full face…my butt...my tree trunk legs…

I am not used to this body, this life…My Mom keeps saying that this is normal~ That this is living life~ Not just existing. I am not sure I like this though…It.Feels.So.Wrong. So uncomfortable. So uncertain. So vulnerable. And I feel full~ All the time. Never wanting. It is so strange. To eat. To NOT withhold. To go against the grain, the judgment, the comments about others bodies, and the ceaseless talk of the gym…the obsession I crave… to lose lose lose lose. To do the opposite of what ED wants me do. To refuse to be a slave. To give in. “Ah screw it!” Bring. It. on~ I will definitely have seconds! Two, please! More! Hungry~ Mhmm! Yup! Sure!

The whole time…”Ummmmmm…HELLO! What the H. E. double hockey sticks are you doing!!!!” runs through my head… ED is angry…furious. Smoke pouring out of his ears…quite a sight I must say.

Yes-to food. To a surprise lunch with my brother in Spokane. And then out to dinner. Then getting froyo cause I have to have a H.S. snack somewhere…Then the next day to breakfast out at my favorite coffee shop~ To less running. To a switch up in my daily routine. Saying YES. To all of the above. To life. To full. It feels so abnormal. I can’t look in the mirror. Denim makes me cringe. I am constantly berating myself. I am terrified all the late night ice cream and snack runs are going to catch up on me. Surely positive…that I look huge. Only seeing one thing… Heinous. Yes, I am able to do all I want. Run, walk, hike, bike, swim, kiss, love, hug, move, lift, withstand, fight, push back, comfort, lay, dance, rest, jump, twirl, skip, smile, cry, laugh, yell. Which also means saying yes to nourishment which equals energy. Which is realllllly freakin’ freaky. But this is the trade off. Can’t have one without the other. Tried it. Been there done that. Then why do I keep trying to duplicate the same experiment to see if I get a different result? Why, the definition of insanity of course! Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.  Hate that. Well I’m done pretending that if I put zero in ten will come out. It don’t work that way. Fuckin’ wish it did. But it doesn’t. Get it through your thick skull, Winter. Accept the things you cannot change, change the things you can, and be wise enough to know the difference. Oh yeah…and surrender. Quit bein’ stubborn. Thanks. Me. Cause if you hadn’t have gone with the flow, you wouldn’t have gotten to spend that time with those you care about. You would have ditched them all for ED~ And you would have been lonely and sad. And those around you would have been sad and disappointed. And pissed. And I’d rather have ED pissed at me then those I love. I have hurt them ENOUGH. And by saying YES to this way and not MY way, I was able to live in the present. Though it is uncomfortable and definitely scary, I have a feeling life in recovery is always going to be slightly terrifying…But that is the beauty of faith…God promises to give us everything we need…even though we will not be necessarily comfortable. At all. This was made clear to me when I went to church this Sunday morning, the last time before I head to school. Before I left, I prayed that God would speak directly to me. Needless to say, I bawled the whole time. Thanks God…I wanted to hear you…but not THIS loud. The message was on Acts chapter 16~ Paul and Silas are planning on heading to Asia to preach, droppin’ by the city of Bithynia on the way. But God had another plan. The Holy Spirit re-routes them, sending them to Macedonia after Paul is sent a vision of a man asking for their help. They meet a woman named Lydia from the city of Thyatira and she knew the Lord and her heart was opened and they baptized her and all was great! Then they met this other chick who was demon possessed. Yipes. She followed them around and ran her mouth and Paul got pissed and finally commanded the demon out of her. Well, when the masters who were allegedly makin money off this broad found out, they were not pleased. They brought Paul and Silas to the magistrates and the officials ordered for them to be severely beaten with rods and imprisoned. Not quite as fun as hangin’ with Lydia! Yet, while they were chained up in stocks sittin in prison, they were singing hymns and praying, havin’ their H.S. snack I am SURE and suddenly there was a GINORMOUS earthquake and everyone’s chains were unlocked! WOOT! The prison guard was pretty disturbed by this and was about to off himself cause he knew he would be in big doodoo with his bosses, but Paul yelled, “Hey! Don’t hurt yourself! We are all right here, just chillin! Put the sword down, eh?” And then they told this dude about Jesus and the guard took them home and cleaned their wounds and fed them and he too believed in the Lord and his household was saved!~

How cool is that!? Paul and Silas thought they were going to go to Asia to preach, but God was like…NOPE! I got better things in store for you! Even though Paul and Silas were beaten, thrown in prison, and prolly not too happy…they STILL, through it all, brought God glory and used the shit they were going through to reach others for Christ. KUDOS DUDES!  

The pastor began sharing again, in his low, consoling, understanding, ‘he’s going to make me weep really hard now’ voice about how he knows many of us are in a tough place in our lives as well~ Asking, wondering WHY? He then invited those of us who were going through a rough time in our own life- with family, health, LIFE etc. to stand as he prayed for us. By this time I was in the butt-ugly sob stage, snot shooting out every which way, and mascara leaving little happy trails down my cheeks (NOT pretty!)        I coulda sworn he was talking directly to me. Winter was way too embarrassed to stand up. But God made me stand up. Thanks again God. Others laid hands on and prayed for me. At first I was freakin’ out inside. But eventually, the peace of God suddenly came over me. Cause He’s got me. Always. It could be so much worse. Yep, life is scary right now. I am fearful and untrusting. But He hasn’t dropped me on my head yet…and He has spared me thus far for some crazy reason. My life didn’t take the direction I ‘planned’ it would, but God will and can use what I am going through for HIS glory~ So I wanted to take this time to encourage all those going through a hard time around me too that inspired this piece~ YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE~

If you’re going through hell, KEEP ON GOIN! I am here!

And I want to thank all of those who have continually checked in on me throughout this struggle. THANK YOU~ I love you!

~Let us be the Paul and Silas of this generation~ Bootypops and cat calls for Jesus! J

There will be dancing

I broke every single rule I have for myself today. I slept in. I got up. I went back to bed. I rolled out of bed just in time to drive my mom to work. I didn't work out. I didn't shower. I didn't touch the messy bun my hair was in, the same way i slept the night before in. I didn't go to my regular coffee shop. I didn't get my regular. I spent money...on myself...$8.67 to be exact. I got a latte. I couldn't  decide between the iced scone or the jumbo muffin. So I got both. And I ate both. And I didn't chastise myself afterwards. I didn't cut myself. Though I may have pinched. I forgave myself. Though I may have repressed what I just did. Then I walked. I didn't run. I stopped frequently and took on my surroundings. I said hello to everyone I passed. I talked to strangers. I laughed out loud. I cried in public, allowing the tears to fall. I used a public restroom and didn't hover over the toilet seat, probably contracting all sorts of diseases. Lol I dipped my toes in the water and walked barefoot around the lake. I stopped and thought and pondered and allowed all the thoughts and questions of life to lap against me like waves. What if I have destroyed all hopes of having a family? What if I can't do this? What if I can't do this? What if I have bent all relationships past the point of reconciliation? What if I never find love or am incapable of opening my heart to it? What if I eat myself to death? What if I gain 50 pounds? What if I can never trust myself again? What if I do nothing productive in this life? What if Iose mom? A family member, someone I love? Why do I hate myself? Why do I loathe and fight and desperately try to master my body, pouring every ounce of myself into working it down, running it dry? Why do I love the pain and live for the depth of satisfaction I gain from the loss? What is bliss and will I ever know it? Will I ever be able to allow myself to? Why do I second guess and question everything? Why would I rather eat muffins and chocolate than carrots and celery? Why can't I be a plant and produce energy by photosynthesis? Why are these feelings so intense? Why can't I fix this for them? Why must they suffer? Why can't I just take it on for them? Why must I feel I should do so when HE already has? Why can't I trust Him indefinitely, completely, totally? Why am I walking this earth? Why do I deserve life? What can I give back? What is my purpose? What will God use this broken, scarred, glob of questioning, uncertainty, and doubt for? Will I live to grow old and grey? Will I make a difference? Will I bring glory to God? Will it always feel this unstable? This breakable? This fragile? Will you give me the strength to stand up for what is right? The ability to say "I was wrong, I am sorry, will you forgive me?" and not punish myself afterwards? Will I ever be able to let a morsel of food pass my lips without calculation of ever gram? Will there be joy? Will there peace? There will be struggle,but will there be victory? I know there will be dark, and there will be dawn. And by God, there had better be dancing. 

CHEERS~

                                                                     CHEERS! Here is to:

To the Porta potty so conveniently placed right here on my running route…the moment my body decides…it’s GOTTA GO! THANK YOU!

To the cool, dripping beverage that doesn’t explode all over when I’m just freaking parched and need a drink now~ THANK YOU

To my bed…which never turns me away or yells, “GET YOUR LAZY ASS UP!” at me. Thank you…my head does that enough on its own.

To the makers of Greek Yogurt…thank you.

To the inventor of coffee…THANK youuuuu

To the shower…after a long, hot day… THANK YOU

To the mother who brings her screaming child into the store…thank you (not)

To the producers of anti-#whateverissueyouhaveinserthere meds…THANK YOU~

To the Starbucks that lets me come into their humble abode and sit with my laptop and use their free Wi-Fi and not purchase a drink cause I’m broke…THANK YOU!

To my mascara…for making my eyelashes visible…thank you!

Ibuprofen and Midol…Thanks a million.

To Enrique Iglesias…THANK you…just for being a fine specimen of a man…thanks God for creating such a lovely…package.

For the ability to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch…thank you. Cause to lack one of these would really blow.

To whomever helped Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan into rehab…thank you!

To the royal baby being born already...freakin’ thank you!

To the smell of books, freshly mowed grass, baby heads, and gasoline…mmmm thank you.

To password resets. Thank you.

Sincerely, forgetful

To all things in life that present themselves and then prove that they should not be attempted or experienced within two seconds and does not cause me to sit and dwell on them…agonizing what to do! What to Do! Thank you!

To the writers of The Office…thank you.

Thank you cozy old sweatshirt I have had for ages, for asking me for nothing but a cozy hug all day ‘ery day.

Thank you Subway for giving me a cheap, healthy, and scrumptious alternative to fast food when I am busy and need to eat…AKA too lazy to cook.

Thank you acronyms like AKA for making long drawn out phrases simpler…unless I don’t know what you stand for…then you suck.

Thank you gummy worms for being a delectable explosion in my mouth. That’s what she said.

Thank you ‘that’s what she said’ quote for being awkward and overly used.

Thank you dog that doesn’t chase me down the street and give me sever urges to punt you in the muzzle.

Thank you word ‘muzzle’ for being a fun word to say and not rhyming with anything, really…accept fuzzle. Oh…wait…puzzle…shiz.

Thank you bee for not stinging me…now I KILL YOU.

Thank you Target for being the best stores ever…and seducing me with your delightful balls of red and white and super great deals!

Thank you pickle…for supplying me with a month’s worth of sodium..yet for being so crunchy and satisfying!

Thank you mustard/hot sauce combo for making my mouth scorch with pleasure!

Thank you Facebook for letting me post my randomness….and thank you friends and readers for lovin’ me despite all my weirdness and reading my writingJ

'THAT girl'

This last week or so, ED has been pretty brutal on me.

“You are eating too much, you fat cow. You are gaining weight. You look so disgusting. Why are you eating that?”

I have had the 19 voices in my head screaming at me constantly…:/ You see, they get especially loud when my routine is disturbed and I am pushed out of my comfort zone. I feel like I am caught in a tornado, twisting, pulling me this way and that…my heart wanting to be normal…my head so loud.

Yesterday afternoon I met up with my boyfriend, Jeremy, and my mom and  walked around downtown Coeur d’ Alene, ogling all the booths set up for Art on The Green~ Strolling around in the sun after it had rained for 48 hours straight, donning iced coffee’s from Java, holding hands, smiling from ear to ear, I was carefully avoiding the place in my brain beating me down for how much I had eaten lately, trying to avoid adding up the calories, the feelings of guilt, and the plans on how to restrict later.

So I practiced just being~ Just walking, looking, finding. Love, peace, joy, happiness. Knowing that I have two of my favorite people beside me, my bestie B. Jane Fierce and Jeremy, who I can go grocery shopping with and manage to have fun! Not knowing where it is going to go, but willing to put my heart on the line. Trusting. Letting the breeze take me where it may. When a thought hit me like a wind gust.

I may not be the skinniest, the prettiest, the smartest, the richest. But by God, I will be understanding, outgoing, caring, considerate, intuitive, adventurous, trustworthy, honest, true. If nothing else, I will be ALIVE, dang it. I will not be ‘that girl’. The one who wears so much frosting to the beach that she looks like she should be heading to prom instead. The girls who spends two plus hours getting ready in the morning, doin’ her hair, finding the perfect outfit. The girl that subsists solely off of coffee and diet pills. No. I will NOT be that girl. But I will be the girl who always has a book that she is reading and a suggestion for a perfect coffee shop, quite but classy. A girl who cares more about her family and friends than how many pairs of shoes she owns. The girl who wears her tennis shoes everywhere instead of stilettos cause you never know what mountain you gonna have/want to climb. I’ll be that girl people-watching, making up stories about their lives in my head- and then I will drift far, far away, making up my own plans, desires, and theories about my own life. My hopes, my dreams. And I will stash them in the back of my mind, allowing them to skate across the surface of my heart. And I will lay my head on my pillow at night and fall asleep listening to the gentle hum of hope. Of promises of a FULL life~ And yes, I will be that girl who is tucked in bed by 10 pm…cause it’s the early bird that gets the worm. And it is the dreamer that finds the gift. Life~