Letter to Body~

Dear body:

I wish I could say I like you…even accept you. I wish I could recall all the things you do for me instantly, trust you without hesitation. But the truth is, we have major relational issues. In the past, you have been used, violated, and disrespected by myself and others. I am sorry I didn’t protect you, that I disregarded all your needs and wants and instead threw you around like a rag doll, placing shame, guilt, and regret onto you. Your outer being emitted that very essence of my soul: self-consciousness, fear, and vulnerability. Which was time and time again taken advantage of. I still believe this was my fault. I feel I deserved it. I allowed it to happen, somehow asked for it. The only way I knew how to alleviate the nauseating feelings of disgust, the memories of hands on me, the things I have done…was to RUN. To shrink away from myself and others…literally. To retreat back to skin and bone, because that is all I deserved. All I knew.

I ran you into the ground, I starved you. I sucked the life from your veins and robbed you of all pleasure, joy, and nurturing. Yo9u were my slave, and I your driving task master. I wanted you to be perfect, immaculate from all you did to how you looked. Never again would I ever hear the word ‘fat’ used in reference to you, though this one word I utter to myself every breathe I allow to fill my lungs.

You are my vehicle to explore life, my vessel in which to store all the beauties in life, the shells that inhabits my soul. Yet you are my worst enemy, my greatest fear, and my darkest battleground. However, if I continue to engage in this fight, I will fail. I am not stronger than this disease. If is cunning, baffling, and powerful. So now I must raise my white flag. I give up. I can’t destroy and degrade you any longer. I admit defeat. I surrender. I wanted to capture beauty, but failed to see the beauty within. I wanted to find safety, but I landed myself in Hell. I long to allow human touch and affection in without grimacing at the terror that you will hurt me…again. I expect it now and shutter at the reverberating question that ruminates in my soul. “What are they thinking of me? What have I done? What will be done to me?” But to be honest, I’m too tired of caring. What others think of me is none of my business. They know my name, they know my story. At the end of the day, it comes down solely to me and God. He doesn’t make mistakes, or so I have been told. So I now apologize- for the mistakes I have made. How I have treated you. What I have allowed to happen to you-the pain I have inflicted onto you. I thank you for putting up with my demands and for never giving out on me. I hope you will accept my demands so we can rebuild this relationship. I know you are unsure and frightened. I am scared too~ so we will begin with baby steps. “Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.”

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Your scars tell a story. Your arms embrace life; your hands allow others to reach out to you for help. Your smile can change your perception, and your feet can carry you on this journey, no matter how strenuous, how rocky, how tedious or painful. I won’t give up on you. I won’t give up on us. We are in this together. May God protect us as we trudge this road of happy destiny. One day at a time.

Sincerely~

W.G

Tissue Paper

Wondrously opaque~ Gifts inside
covering up the surprise.
Gorgeous, lovely presentation to the viewers eye.
Wrinkled and fake, torn with the fringes hidden,
wrenched out of the way to get to the treasure
All happened so sudden.
Overuse has made it withered
It's forgotten its value,its purpose
to bring joy, love, compassion.
But this life has lots its season
This desire has lost its reason.
Misuse has left this one abused
Self mutilated, perceptions skewed.
Standing tall, so strong and capable.
Face made of stone, stoic and able.
Till you draw near and examine up close
Exposing the optical illusion
discovering its footing is loose.
Putting up a good front,
shriveling from within.
Don't poke, don't prod
for my walls are but
tissue paper thin.

The Journey

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.

~ Mary Oliver ~

How to make poor choices~

1. Don't think before you speak.
2. Impulsivity is your best friend.
3. Don't ask ANYONE for their input. Assume that you know what is best.
4. Don't ask clarifying question.
5. If there is a dark, creepy alleyway...definitely walk down it.
6. If a creeper asks you for your phone number in line at CVS, give it to him.
7. If Simon says ------
8. Don't read the directions.
9. Don't touch! TOUCH IT
10. Go shopping alone and spend your entire paycheck.
11. Red means GO- Stop signs are just a suggestion.
12. If your nervous to tell someone about a choice you are making, its probably the wrong one.
13. Be by yourself...all the time.
14. Tell your life story and talk about all your past relationships on the 1st date.
15. Cut your hair.
16. Take in a stray cat.
17. Don't bring a sweater.
18. Get a tattoo or piercing when under the influence...or from a man in a windowless, white van.  (Ready for this! BRIDESMAIDS QUOTE!)

Brynn:Guess what happened to me today?

Annie:Mmm... what?

Brynn:I got a free tattoo. I could not believe it. The guy said, "do you want a tattoo?", opened up the side of his van...

Annie:Noooo...

Brynn:...and said "it's for free!" So I said, "sure."

 

19. Let your friend dye your hair.

20. Don't study for that pop quiz.

21. When your drunk, call your ex. Who is already on speedial.

22. But a pint of Ice cream and swear only to eat half.

23. Go spray tanning.

24. Call your father.

25. Mess around with another girl's boyfriend.

26. Go through your boyfriend's phone...texts (in order from previous to oldest)

27. Don't listen to Sirie.

28. Seek out all possible sugar daddy's on Match.com

29. Hair extensions...Grow a rat tail. Shave your eyebrows.

30. Brazilian bikini wax at home anyone?

31. Conveniently forget your sunscreen at home~ And peel off your burnt, peeling skin before beach visit number 2. You'll feel great in the morning.

32. Sit next to the homeless man on the bus. Proceed by licking the bus handle.

33. Sit next to the crying baby on your Southwest flight.

34. Eat the deli meat that's been in the hot car for hours.

35. Curdled cream. Tastes fine? Eh, I'm gonna drink it.

36. Text while driving. Preferably during rush hour...or in the presence of a cop.

37. Dawn in the dishwasher.

38. Toothpaste, deodorant, and Depends are not mandatory. To save money, make sure to leave your tampon in for as long as possible. Toxic shock isn't as bad as it sounds.

39. Rationalization, justification, and minimization are your three best friends.

40. Keep secrets...Don't ask for help. Cause lets be honest, nobody...I repeat, NOBODY is trustworthy.

 

 

 

 

The frenemy~

"The best thing a girl can be in the modern world is a tough warrior. A smart cookie. An empathizer. A pirate. A time-traveler. A sweet nurturer. A rebel. A hard worker. A unicorn. Not a freakin' fool who is totes pretty"~
- The Frenemy

Sunburn and co-dependency~

People should come with a warning label...CAUTION: Flammable when hot. May cause a burning sensation.*
I love people...period. Some would call me...co-dependent. I call it...deeply caring for mankind. Who am I kidding? I would take a bullet for another person. I'd give my last crust of bread to a fellow in need. "If your friends all jumped off of a bridge, would you?"
Yes...I would.
I went to the beach two days in a row and laid out with friends...and of course conveniently left my sunscreen at home. And as a consequence, got sun burnt. Surprise!
After a sleepless night, due in part to a conflict with my roommate and also to sun burnt armpits (yes, even my armpits were burnt) I came to the realization...co-dependency is synonymous to sunburn.

1.If you don't wear sunscreen, you gonna get fried!
 *If you remain in a poor relationship too long and do not use appropriate boundaries, you will get burned.*

2. Repeated burns from the sun will cause melanoma
 *Abusive relationships (whether it be physical, emotional, or sexual) create long-lasting consequences.*

3. Working rigorously in the sun too long WILL make you sick and tired.
 *Toxic people infiltrate your mind and cause you pain. Doing everything for them, all the time, disregarding your own needs and wants will slowly kill you.*

4. After realizing the extent of the sun damage, you must apply aloe vera continuously. Every hour on the hour. And in order to treat your sun burnt back, you are going to have to ask for help. Which is weird and awkward. Because who wants to ask someone to smother you in lotion? Not me...But in order to prevent peeling and momentarily feel relief from the flames your body is surely emitting...it must be done.
 *After taking care of others for so long and catering to their needs only, it is hard to break out of this cycle. One must practice taking care of their own needs continually. It will be hard and you will feel selfish.*

 5. Wishing you HAD worn sunscreen wont change the fact that you are sun burnt
 *Worrying profusely about others, trying to control them and give them unwarranted advice, losing sleep over their problems, and wishing you could fix everything for them and comparing what you should have said or did with what you did say or do will not create world peace.

6. As your sunburn begins to fade, your skin will shed away the dead flesh you burnt the shiz out of...Its gross and flaky...but hey, progress! Not perfection!!!!)
*As you start to heal and take care of yourself first, and then others (in a non codependent way) the layers of your true self will begin to become exposed.

So take it from me...Whether you are hitting the beach with a friend...or worrying constantly about them...use sunscreen...and your voice...Set up an umbrella...and boundaries. Bring water to quench your thirst, and take (YOU) time to satiate your needs as well.
And with that, my friends, I'm off to bathe myself in aloe...
Deuces~
Winter Grace

In the arms of the ocean~

Got up early this morning~ The house was quiet as I silently left for my morning A.A. meeting.
Sunday mornings are my favorite...
I am filled with gratitude today. Grateful to be here, amazed at how immense His love is for me, despite all I have done and the hardships I have trudged through this last week. When I trust Him, and let go, I feel free. And it is so relieving to know that He has a plan~ When I advocate for myself, for my life, all falls into place. How great is our God?
It's always darkest before the dawn. The A.A message was on impermanence. How feelings come and go. This too shall pass~ Like waves in the ocean. The tide ebbs and flows.
My friend and I went to the beach today. I love the ocean. Starbucks in hand, bearing books to read- I am content. Thoughts still convulse in my head~ Especially with body image and having to wear a swimsuit...in public. But surrounded by the sand, the sun, the sound of the ocean, the smell of sunscreen, the laughter of innocent children playing in the sand, and the company of a good friend, I feel at ease. I bare myself and feel free. Free with showing my scars, love handles, imperfections and all to the world. For this is me. And the ocean is the one place I can lose and find myself all at the same time. Like a two-sided boom-a-rang. I toss out my doubts and negativity, only to receive back compassion and hope, riding on the backs of the mystical, blue waves.
Because we all have a story. Each of our bodies, different in their own ways, are our own story books. Our shells disclose where we have been and what we have gone through. Not one is worth more than the other. We are more than our appearances, for our vessels encase our most genuine and beautiful attribute of all, our souls.
How will I be remembered when this life is passed? Not prematurely by my disease of Ana, but when God's perfectly planned out days come to a close. What will be said of me then? The legacy I have left. Will it be that I was a kind, compassionate, quiet woman? Or will it be said of me that I was a warrior. A soldier of that which is right. An honest, outspoken advocate for HEALTH, healing, and hope.
Nothing lasts forever. In the blink of an eye, all could be over. We never know. I say this not to be morbid, not to dwell on an end...But to remind myself of my primary purpose on this earth. To serve-the encourage. To live, breathe, and sleep love, kindness, gentleness, patience, and self control. To immerse myself in all things true, and to reach out to those no one else bothers to engage. To be salt to the world and light to the earth. To live my life to the fullest, as His fearless fighter.

THIRD STEP PRAYER:

 God, I offer myself to Thee- 
To build with me
and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self,
that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties,
that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help of Thy Power,
Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always~

  http://youtu.be/zMBTvuUlm98