I don’t even know. My mind is going a million hours a minute- I want to scream and cry like a two year old and beat on something with my fists until I bleed. This would result in me 1. Looking like a two year old 2. Looking insane and 3. Looking like an insane two year old. Yikes.
I just got out with my dietitian. Wonderfulness. NOT. Ugh. Food. Weight. Meal plans. I have a head ache and I’m grouchy. It is THEN that my father decides to open up the doors to the future and discuss my plans for heading back to school…sometime…within the next hundred years. My heart wants to go and be out on my own, to be FREE. Now, freedom is a funny thing. Because every time I gain it, I seem to sabotage myself and use it to ED’s advantage. Keen. My dad opened up with stating that I ultimately obviously decide when I will go back to school, but he FEELS that I am not ready to head back this spring. That I am still dealing with ED crap HARD and need to really think about if I am ready to go back or not. If I would be using it as an “out” or if I could really keep going on with recovery. And the truth is I DON’T FREAKIN KNOW! I can’t even fathom having to stay at home and live here cleaning my brother’s pee off the toilets and scrubbing dishes at work for another year. The thought makes me want to die. What a sad, sad life poor stupid girl who can’t pull your shiz together. I feel stagnant here. Suffocated. Under a microscope. Lonely. Depressed. The thought of being in a little apartment with my friend is so enticing. Like ooooh we would have so much fun. But it is so scary too. What if I fail AGAIN? What if I am not strong enough yet? I don’t want to land right where I was this time last year. But what if I can succeed? Will I ever know? AHHHH I am so confused. So sad. And probably not making any sense. Basically its 1. Go back to school or 2. Live here at home STILL. Black and white right? So life is grey. I KNOW this to be true. So what is the grey answer? There has to be some compromise somewhere? Something I can do that will help me with recovery AND make me happy and feel like I am moving forward with my life. Ugh. I don’t know what to do. Right now I feel like I am standing outside in the snow…everything is spinning and whirling around me. Its foggy and cold and I JUST WANT TO PUNCH THE SNOW IN ITS FACE. Lol. Ok. Sorry. I need words of wisdom from those who are brave enough to read this. My mind and body are screaming for HELP though Im too weak to say it. So I will whisper it and hope for some burning bush, some small glimmer of hope for my blea future~ help
