Thanksgiving~ Turkey Day~ They day the Pilgrims and Indians celebrated for the bounty the Lord had provided for them. The day people eat themselves into a food coma. The day I watch the Macy's day parade and see the Rockefeller Rockets performing and think...if only I looked like that...instead of the giant turkey float....and then hold an intense grudge on them and their mankind. The ONE day that I kinda wish I could erase from the Holiday Hall of Fame. For those of you who knows me, you know why.
Three years ago on Thanksgiving night, my dad had a heart episode that sent him to the ER on Thanksgiving night until 4 am. Then to open heart surgery he went two months later after the holidays. Two years ago, our neighbor had a heart issue that landed him in the ER and us watching their two boys. Last Thanksgiving, I was so deep into my eating disorder it is embarrassing. I came home from school ragged, ran in feet of snow at 6 am despite a dislocated knee injury I had exacerbated since September, pretended all was fine and then on Thanksgiving night got slightly way MORE than tipsy in front of my dad and brothers after our first thanksgiving without my mom there. I spent the night sitting on the coach regretting how sick I felt and barely remember somehow shoveling off our driveway before slipping into bed and sleeping off all the regret. Only to awake in the morning and begin the vicious cycle again. A long string of scarring Thanksgivings are haunting me to say the least. Holidays are hard for me. Not only because now I am dealing with a broken family and all that entails, but my Eating Disorder likes to rear its ugly head in a big and bad way. For many, the holidays are a time to indulge with no real mental capacity going into it. For me, the voices already in my head telling me what a cow I am scream even louder. Plus, the fiasco's and memories that are associated with this holiday and me are not pleasant.
That is why this year I VOW it will be different. After going to treatment not long after the holidays last year, I am so thankful to be here with my family (regardless of how screwed up we are). I am thankful for all the faithful people I have praying for me-family and friends. This year has been challenging to say the least. OK. It has been excruciating. But it is through the hard times that we grow, through the challenges that we realize, well at least I am not where I was last year at this time. Or better yet, dead. I can barely wrap my head around it. I think I am invincible. Nothing could stop me. Or could it? I shutter to think of the possibility that one thing could have ended it all if it had continued- and that was myself. A slow suicide…
Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Inside I feel the anxiety and torment spinning. However, I want this year to be different. I am different. I have tools. I have the power. ED does not. My ED voice is still loud. Right now I hear it screaming at how lazy I am, how I SHOULD be running at 6am and blah blah blah. But it takes greater strength to do recovery. I could choose the “easy” out. Or I could choose recovery. Choose to turn my back on those voices and use strength to NOT do what I think I should…which turns out is waaaaay harder for me than just following my addiction. Crap.
I am so thankful for a God who forgives me, though I still have not come to forgive myself. For parents who have stood by me, who have watched me falter, yet have given me the time, space, and capacity to get back up and start over. For friends who are always there despite how closed off I allow myself to be. Tomorrow night I will just be thankful if we make it through in one peace. I will try to take the focus off the food. I will be thankful for life.
