HOME: Valentine's Day

St. Valentine's Day began as a celebration of an early Christian saint named Valentinus. A popular hagiographical account of Saint Valentine of Rome states that he was imprisoned for performing weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry and for ministering to Christians, who were persecuted under the Roman Empire. According to legend, during his imprisonment, he healed the daughter of his jailer, Asterius. Before his execution he wrote her a letter signed "Your Valentine" as a farewell. SAD PANDA! I thought valentines day was sposed to be all about lil naked babies flying around with wings shooting cute arrows at stuff…not death…L

However…I wasn't really shocked…cause I never truly remember a valentine’s day that I enjoyed. Being homeschooled, we never had the pressure of getting OR receiving valentines from our classmates. Usually, my mom and dad would give us a little card and ask us to be their Valentines and we would be done with it. Boom.

As the years went on and boys, poor relationships, and experiencing my parents get divorced after 25 years of marriage jaded my love for Valentine’s day. Heck, it changed my whole view of love in general and I was now quite ambivalent toward the day of February 14. More or less, I was fine with drawing all over cupid’s face, maiming his very identity, popping every heart shape balloon that was in plain view, and running over all the chocolate box displays in the store with my shopping cart giggling manically. Ok…maybe not that far.

But this year, while chatting with a friend, he asked me what my plans were for Valentine’s day. I immediately went into my shpeel about how it is just a made up holiday that Hallmark created in order to make money. Not to mention, it is sexist because have you seen the card selection for males in Hallmark? Like maybe men want a card too? But I digress…

Basically he stopped me, looked me in the face and said…”So basically you have learned somewhere down the line or taught yourself to downplay Valentines day. So that if someone does something nice for you, swell! But if nothing really went down, then your hopes wouldn’t be crushed.”

“EXACTLY!” I screamed! And since then I have been mulling this whole conversation. This year I have already been extremely blessed. My family is doing relatively well- the family that we have Hodge-podged together. I am back in school and have an amazing church family/friend group. AND I have been blessed with an amazing man whom God has put in my life to get to know…spend some time with…cuddle with…OK you get the picture! DATE J Now, I am a woman who doesn’t just date for ‘fun’sies. Heck, I was a self-proclaimed cat lady…minus the cats…who was going to be independent and be a single counselor and help lots of people…but I didn’t need no man to do all that. I was perfectly happy…just me myself and I. Then BAM. Oh….oh hey there God…oh you…you have this guy here. Hmm…well….fancy that… NOW WHAT THE H DO I DO WITH THIS…I was back spinning. My heart told me one thing…(DAMNNNNNBOYYOUFINE) but my head told me another thing (MALEMALEMALE=HURT<BROKENHEART<BADDDDD) Well, I am a pretty logical thinker. So ya know…we hung out during the summer of ’13 and then when I went back to school I ended it. Mostly because I am really good at sabotaging myself and my chances of ever allowing myself to be truly happy.

Then...dumdumdum… I finished up my semester back, came home for Christmas break…and got the BEST Christmas present I have ever got. A second chance with this man. I realized for so long I have stopped my heart from feeling. I starved it away. Ran it away. Pushed it all away. And it was dark and lonely. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. Yes, I have been hurt. Show me someone who hasn’t. Yes, I am scared. Who isn’t? But it is better to love, to fully embrace and experience it and take the chance of being hurt than to never love at all.

I don’t know where this relationship will lead. But I trust God and I trust Jeremy. Check, check. I am excited/nervous/anxious/grateful/HAPPY to see what the future holds. Day by day J

Jesus was asked, “What is the greatest commandment.” He replied, “To love the Lord with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. The second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.” Matthew 22: 36-40

I pray that every day I would become more proficient with loving the Lord with all of me. This, I hope, will help me to understand what the second commandment even looks like. I am good at loving on other people…but when it comes to even knowing how to love...heck even ACCEPT myself…I am at a loss. And how can one truly love others if they are focused on how much they despise themselves? How can one experience the love someone wants to give them if they will not even entertain the idea that someone DOES care about them? My goal is to allow the healing freedom and grace of Jesus to wash over me…to accept that I am perfectly imperfect and can give and receive love fully.

How does one do this? This is one of my favorite verses in the Bible, one that I want to emulate not only to Christ and others but also to myself.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

The last thing I want to share is this song that I fell in love with recently: All of Me by John Legend. I pretty much cry every time…which is awkward when I am in public and it comes on ;)

~All of Me~

[Verse]
What would I do without your smart mouth
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
Got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down
What's going on in that beautiful mind
I'm on your magical mystery ride
And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright

[Bridge]
My head's underwater
But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

[Chorus]
Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh

[Verse]
How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you're crying you're beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I'm around through every mood
You're my downfall, you're my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can't stop singing, it's ringing in my head for you

[Bridge]
My head's underwater
But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts
Risking it all, though it's hard

I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, ohh

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Sunday, February 2, 2014

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